


Homecoming

by DickAnderton



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Cuddling, Demisexuality, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Roommates, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, teen drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-04-04 04:04:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 82,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14011785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DickAnderton/pseuds/DickAnderton
Summary: Even has a habit of making a mess out of things. Isak is just a little bit too idealistic. Neither of them has felt at home in a long time.Until they meet each other, jump into a fake relationship, and suddenly there's nowhere they'd rather be.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Showmeheaven](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Showmeheaven/gifts).



> This is going to be very character-centric, slow, and full of internal conflict. I wanted to write a cute one shot about roommates that kind of slip into a relationship without realizing it. It's become quite long now, but in the end it's still just that. I am so looking forward to get back in touch with you all after not posting for so long and I hope you enjoy this:)
> 
> Please come talk to me, I have been dying to share this and am beyond excited! 
> 
> Tumblr: wecanjustbreathe. 
> 
> A special thank you and a big hug goes to my amazing friend Bjørg who is the only one who has read this so far and has been so supportive and amazing, as always <3

November 2015

 

It was cold enough for Even to lose the feeling in his fingers. Granted, he could have worn gloves, but when he had headed out earlier tonight, his head had been filled with the warm and fuzzy thoughts that came with being tipsy. Now that he was half frozen to death it took his clumsy fingers a couple of tries to make a weak flame snap from his lighter and he quickly shielded it against the biting wind. Once he had lit himself a cigarette he shoved the sleeves of his coat as far over his pained knuckles as they would go and took a deep drag. 

He should have known better than to chug the better half of a six pack of beer and follow Mikael downtown but here he was. No longer drunk enough, freezing cold, and kind of pissed. His lips felt chapped and dry in the cold air, a result from having them press wetly against his best friend’s neck just a moment ago before he had been shoved off and left behind in a narrow alleyway. His skin had been pleasantly warm and tingly but now he felt raw, stupid, angry. 

He lifted the cigarette to his lips again but satisfied himself with breathing in the heavy smoke through his nose rather than taking another drag. Even didn’t usually smoke, he didn’t like the aftertaste, but he enjoyed having something to busy himself with in moments like this. It wasn’t an addiction in itself but a symptom of his restlessness. He was glad to be able to pretend he was out here in the cold for reasons other than having been fucked with yet again. 

It would be thirty minutes tops before Mikael would come find him, wasted enough to have forgotten their earlier encounter and making him pay for a taxi home since he wouldn’t be able to walk a straight line anymore. And Even would let him pretend, would take his call tomorrow afternoon and embrace the awkward stumbling over how messed up he had been, how he couldn’t remember shit. Even knew how it would go and he knew it was about time to take a step back and reassess what he was getting himself into. But tonight wasn’t the night. He doubted it would ever be.

“Hey, faggot!” 

It was muscle memory that made Even raise his head towards the heavily intoxicated voice. He mentally prepared himself to throw back a couple of insults and automatically dropped the cigarette into the snow to his feet to have his hands free if he needed them, but it turned out no one paid him any attention. A few guys were walking past him but they didn’t spare him a single glance. He was standing near the entrance of the club in order to catch Mikael once he was fucked up enough to leave, and the passerby were clearly too straight to even cast a glance at the rainbow flag streaming above his head. Still, the colorful blinking lights from the windows covered their dark clothing in Pride and Even smirked icily at the contrast. 

“You’re gonna freeze your ass off down there. Want me to warm it up for you?” The group laughed loud, obnoxious laughs, patting the speaker on the back in congratulations, and this time Even tensed up and made an effort to see who they were talking to. There were a couple of other people smoking nearby and the door near him chimed as it opened and two drunk couples spilled out of the club, but Even couldn’t see anyone in the line of sight of the guys who had now almost stopped walking. 

“I think he’s frozen off his balls too. Can’t speak up, can he?” It wasn’t the same guy as the one who had spoken before but the same type. Tall, bald, and beefy, and infuriating enough for Even to take a step towards them. His blood began pumping harder in his veins and he suddenly felt hot all over, the cold having been temporarily erased by his flaring temper. It took him a second to contemplate whether he should go for verbal insults or a good shove into their leader’s back, but while he approached them, indecisive but determined, the decision was made for him. 

It turned out the reason Even hadn’t seen anyone being talked to was because they had been sitting down on the curb. The boy who got up from the ground now was young, definitely too young to enter the club he was camping out in front of. He was also lean. Thin as a twig and apparently unstable on his legs. He couldn’t have gotten his booze at the bar but he wasn’t sober. There were shadows under his glossy eyes that darkened his otherwise rosy face. The cold had him shivering and a brief once-over told Even that his bright jeans were in fact wet where he had been sitting in the snow. 

The smart thing to do for someone like him was to keep his head down, to head back to wherever he had come from and take a hot shower that would maybe send some life back into his stiffened body. Apparently the guy wasn’t smart. He lifted his chin up in a defiant gesture and a sudden ferocity spread over his face, hard enough for Even to be taken aback by it. It had him raise his eyebrows at the guy, a slow smile spreading across his frozen cheeks.

It only took Even a second to realize that unlike him, the boy had made a decision on how to defend himself. It took him another one to step forward and put an arm out to stop him from throwing himself into the loudest guy who had now come to a full halt, looking amused. Even hadn’t expected him to have put that much force into what would have been a good shove forwards and he huffed out a breath of air when he caught the full blow with his forearm. 

Suddenly, all eyes were on him and Even let an easy smile light up his face. 

“Your concern about my boyfriend’s balls is appreciated but we don’t need your input. How about you hop along and get yours sucked, it might help with the attitude.” 

He didn’t care what he was doing. What he knew was that the boy who was now quick to pry Even’s curled fist from the downy material of his expensive winter coat didn’t stand a chance if he actually started a fight. He knew he wouldn’t fare much better himself but he knew how to get out of situations. If he had anything going for him it was the fact that there was nothing Even hadn’t dealt with yet. He could hold off a fight long enough to involve others to the point where it would be easy to slip away. It wasn’t nice but it was what he was good at. Making a scene and leaving others behind to clean up his mess. 

“You’re not my boyfriend and I don’t need you lying for me,” the smaller guy now stabbed him in the back. Even rolled his eyes and turned towards him accusingly, almost offended at how easily his help was being turned down. He had expected the words to be accompanied with a furious look but instead the boy looked at him with a hint of affliction in his eyes. 

While they stared each other down, there was more drunk laughter coming from the group of guys who were now whooping and shoving at each other’s shoulders again. It was better to be laughed at than to be beat into the ground though and so Even simply smiled again and waved them off with a dismissive gesture. 

It took a moment for them to clear out, and they didn’t do so without another crude remark, but at least they went easier than Even would have thought. 

“You’d rather take a punch than pretend to date me?” Even sighed, amusement in his voice. All of this was a welcome distraction from the shit Mikael had him dealing with yet again. 

“I’d rather not be lying my way through life like everyone else is.” With that, the other boy sank back down onto the curb, apparently not bothered by his soaked jeans or the dirty snow that covered the street. 

Even studied him for a second. If he himself was having a rough night, the other boy was ruined. Despite his thick coat he was still shivering, burying his hands deep inside his pockets while his hood was pulled all the way up. He didn’t look like he was waiting for anyone, there were no friends of his in sight, the club wasn’t an option for him, but still he showed no sign of having any other destination than the lone patch of pavement that hadn’t been puked on yet. 

“Are you gonna be alright?” Even asked even though his help had been unwanted a second ago. “I have a phone you can use. You want me to call someone?” 

“No.” The word was muffled into the sleeves of his coat that the guy had brought up to his face to shield it from the wind. 

Even shrugged, not knowing which of the two questions he had gotten a reply to. “You’re gonna get pneumonia.” 

There was no reaction. Even glanced over to the door of the club when he heard the bells of the door go off yet again but it was a group of girls that came out and not Mikael. Maybe he should go check on him instead of chatting up strangers who obviously didn’t want or need his concern. But then again, Mikael wouldn’t want to see him until he had downed another handful of shots and lingered around the bathroom long enough to find someone with a stash of weed they were willing to share. 

It was always like this. A couple of beers made his best friend loosen up, the shots they took at the bar made him horny enough to pull his bedroom eyes on Even, and shortly after that came the shame and the guilt paired with a good deal of fear they could have been seen. This was when Even was left to his own frustration at the cycle he had come to recognize but was unable to break, and when Mikael left him to later be able to blame it all on some weird stuff someone had given to him in the bathroom, if he even admitted to having had his tongue down Even’s throat in the first place. 

Even ran his fingers through his blond hair and decided he wasn’t in the mood to go inside to look. Instead he pulled another cigarette out of his pocket, lit it, and took a deep drag he didn’t enjoy much. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the time. 3:07. Hardly half an hour until Mikael would be kicked out along with the leftover crowd that stayed until last call. The minutes went by and Even was getting impatient. He was bored out of his mind and felt like a human icicle. His cigarette weakly burned down without him taking another drag. 

“You know,” he said, casting a glance down to where the strangely broken guy was still sat staring at his own feet, “you really are gonna freeze your balls off.” 

“Already have,” came a mumbled reply and it delighted Even to have gotten something out of him. 

“Wanna share a ride? It’ll only be another few minutes till closing.” After all, Even was only a student, taxis were expensive, and he currently lacked a job. Mikael usually got him back his share of the night once he sobered up but still, their nights out were quickly burning through the little money Even got from his parents to afford life. 

Yet again the other boy didn’t bother with a reply but he just caught the stubborn shake of his head when he looked down at him. 

“You’re living East? West?” Even tried again. He let his cigarette fall near the guy’s expensive sneakers that were probably still not weather resistant. That got a reaction out of him and he kicked the stub away with his foot a bit more aggressively than appropriate.

“Not anymore,” he said unhelpfully and his voice quivered when he spoke. It was enough to make Even screw up his forehead. There was still no sign of Mikael and so he crouched down in front of the other boy as if he was a stray dog. 

“So you moved?” 

“Out, yes.” 

“Out of where?”

“Frogner.” 

Even would have guessed it had he not told him. He didn’t look like he couldn’t afford a ride home. But he also didn’t look like some prestigious rich kid right now, down on the curb, his eyes watery and his nose running. 

“Seriously, let me get someone for you,” Even pressed. He was starting to feel like this was more than just one too many drinks and it wasn’t like he had anything else to do. Other than curse his best friend for being deep enough in the closet to ruin Even’s every night out. 

There was a long minute of silence in which the guy in front of him struggled to pull his hood back just enough to finally get a proper look at Even. His hands had vanished entirely inside the sleeves of his coat now and so he wriggled around quite a bit until he got the job done. He was definitely drunk. Not as wasted as Mikael would be once he found his way out on the street but the same kind of drunk that was a cocktail of denial, anger, and depressive thoughts. Not the fun kind of drunk that Even usually chased. The kind which made him consider it a good idea to grind up against his best friend’s thigh in a dark corner of a gay club. 

“There’s nobody.” 

The words hung between them for a second and Even kind of expected him to say more, anything to make this sound less pathetic. But instead he looked up at him with wide eyes, as if the realisation had only just sunk in. Even wanted to keep asking, to press him to open the chats on his phone and simply text the first person that would be awake at this hour, but somehow it felt cruel.

“I’m someone,” he said instead. “Even.” 

“Even,” the guy repeated, as if he either wanted to try out that name or he wasn’t sure he had heard him correctly as more and more people stumbled out of the club behind them and loudly discussed their further plans for the night. Most likely, it was just him being drunk and repeating single words that didn’t make their way through to him entirely. 

“Even,” he confirmed. “And I’ll take a taxi in a bit, you can come along and be dropped off wherever. What are you gonna do otherwise? Sit here all night?” 

“I don’t know. There’s a guy who works the upstairs bar. I’m kind of waiting for his shift to be over.”

He wasn’t slurring his words but he was speaking slowly, as if it took an effort to make sense. Even raised his eyebrow at him again in question. 

“There is no upstairs. Hasn’t been for a few months, they only open it up for private parties.” The guy’s mouth fell open in silent comprehension. “What’s his name? I can go in and ask whether he’s around.” 

“Eskild.” 

“Eskild who?”

“Don’t know. Just Eskild. He’s blond.” 

“Okay.” Even got up again, his frozen limbs protesting against the sudden movement. At the door he had to first let out a group of drunk drag queens who crashed into him mindlessly, but once he was inside he found the club less crowded than it had been earlier. The rainbow lights that illuminated the dance floor were clearly visible on the hardwood floor that was sticky with beer, and the bartenders were busy cleaning up and collecting glasses and bottles from all over the room. Even had only ever stayed until closing a few times before as it hadn’t been that long since he was even legally allowed in, and the half empty club made him feel weird. Like a liminal place, something that shouldn’t exist in the way it did right now. 

Not wasting any time, Even made his way over to the bar and leaned over one of the bar stools to get the nearest barista’s attention. He still had to yell, as there were 80s charts blasting out of the speakers. 

“Is Eskild around? Blond Eskild?” 

“Working here?” The girl yelled back and skilfully stacked a few glasses on top of one another. Even nodded. “There’s an Eskild but he works the Saturday shift. He’ll be here tomorrow.” 

Even gave another nod and a smile and grabbed the contents of an entire glass of pretzel sticks from the counter before he turned around. When he did, his eyes immediately fell on Mikael as if he had positioned himself in his line of sight on purpose. He was standing near the bathroom just like Even had guessed, but he wasn’t alone and he wasn’t smoking either. He was too occupied being pressed against the wall right next to the swinging door that led to the men’s room, his hands buried in some guy’s dark hair, their hips pressed close together, mouths eating each other up in an unattractive fashion. 

It wasn’t as if Even had anything to do with this but he still almost crushed the snack he had taken in his fist. Hot anger washed over him and he let himself feel it all without filtering it. He could deal with being dropped by Mikael once again, the second he realised Even wasn’t some hot girl with a thing for whiskey breath, but he had never once been replaced by someone else. He knew for a fact that he was Mikael’s only bad habit, that there was no one else. And weirdly, he took pride in it. In knowing his friend trusted him enough to fool around with him, knowing they always found their way to each other whenever Even had broken up with Sonja yet again. Or, admittedly, when he was planning to do so soon and it didn’t matter what he did. Mikael and him were complicated for sure, but they were exclusive. Unofficial, a dirty secret even, which annoyed the hell out of Even at times, but he had always been Mikael’s one and only first kiss. 

He had let himself be a drunk mishap for months and here Mikael was, ready to get fucked against a wall in a quickly emptying club for everyone to see. While he had been ushered into dark corners and bathroom stalls just to steal kisses that would never lead to anything more because after all they would always be drunk or high or both, his friend was clearly no longer concerned about his decency now. 

Even scoffed and turned around, heading for the exit without bothering to make a scene for once. Mikael would be drunk off his face by now and frankly, Even wanted to go home without him. While he usually made sure to get his friend home safely after a night like this and then walked the half hour over to his place, he would be damned to do so today. Let him go home with someone else, let his parents find out, Even didn’t care. He felt betrayed even though he knew he had no right for it. Still, the feeling was there and he slammed the door shut behind him, the tiny bells tingling harshly, and stomped over to the other side of the street without looking left or right. 

The guy he had left on the curb was gone. For a second Even didn’t even have it in him to care but then he remembered just how lost he had seemed and he cursed silently. He looked around just to be sure, his gaze wandering over the thinning crowd, and there he was. On his knees, puking into the bushes behind a bus stop that would only be in use again on Monday. He had stripped off his thick coat for whatever reason and dropped it a few feet away in the dirty snow. Even picked it up as he approached and cast a death glare at a guy who was blatantly checking out the boy’s ass as he bent over again and dry heaved into the shrubbery. 

“There is no Eskild tonight,” Even said instead of commenting on the pathetic state the other guy was in. He dropped the coat on his back and held out his hand full of pretzel sticks. “Are you coming with or staying? Frogner is an annoyingly long way by foot.” 

The guy spat a few times before he leaned back, the coat falling off of him yet again. Without his hood on, Even could see that he was just as blond as he was himself but his hair was slightly curly and sticky from the moist air. He was flushed a deep shade of red and Even almost wanted to reach out and wrap him inside his coat to at least make him only catch a cold and not certain death. 

“Not going back there.” There was defiance in his voice but also pain and exhaustion. It made Even crouch down next to him again. 

“What’s your name?” He asked. 

The guy looked at him so helplessly it was almost unbearable. “Isak.” 

“Isak. Where are you gonna sleep tonight? Give me an address and I’ll figure it out for you.” He didn’t know why he still bothered. But he didn’t have it in him to simply walk away. And if he did, he’d be alone in a taxi, overly aware that he was leaving Mikael behind with some strange guy he didn’t know and that he should be a better friend to him. If he left on his own he’d make the taxi turn around after two blocks, shuffle his friend into the backseat with him and pretend he wasn’t hurt. 

“I don’t know. Nissen.” 

“That’s a school?!” Even questioned, not entirely sure that was what Isak had meant. He went to Elvebakken himself, but he knew of the better schools. “You can’t sleep in a school, how drunk are you?” 

“Not that much anymore,” Isak gestured vaguely to the gross mess in front of him and then hoisted himself up. “I’ll be fine. Thanks.” He slowly reached for his coat and pulled it back on, struggling with the zipper and leaving it open in the end, regardless of how his lips had already turned a pale shade of blue. 

“Don’t be difficult. If you need a place to crash just say so.” 

It wouldn’t be the first time Even had strangers over at his place. Granted, they had never been drunk strangers he had picked up on the streets, but Even was naturally trusting, open minded, he didn’t get what the big deal was. If friends of friends needed a couch and he had one, why make their lives more difficult? Why not let that drunk plus one from the house party crash on his bathroom floor? One of the many things Even loved about having moved out of his parent’s place was that he got to do whatever the hell he wanted. If he wanted to have people around and not live with a stick up his ass like Mikael’s family did, he could make that choice. 

“I need a place to crash. There you have it. What are you gonna do about it?” Isak almost snapped and he reached for his zipper yet again in frustration. “I don’t know where I’ll sleep tonight because I can’t go back home. I’d rather freeze to death than do that.” 

There were honest to God tears in his eyes now and on his last attempt he pulled at his zipper hard enough to get fabric stuck in it and he cursed. Even watched him struggle for another moment, then he saw a taxi roll by slowly and he stuck his hand out. 

“I’m offering you my couch, is what I’m gonna do about it. Hell, you’re a mess. Get a good nights sleep and a shower.” 

Isak’s eyes were wide again. “You can’t. You don’t know me.” He studied Even for a second and Even had to remind himself not to smile too brightly. He couldn’t make him think he was flirting with him if he wanted to make sure he went home with him rather than staying out all night wandering the streets. “I don’t know you,” Isak corrected himself and Even nodded. 

“Yeah but you can defend yourself, right? You were gonna beat up five guys at once earlier and now you’re scared to go home with me?” He teased and stepped up to the driver’s window to give him his address. “Come on. No hidden agenda, promise. Do what you want but I do have a couch and running hot water. Most of the time, that is.” 

He knew that in the end it was up to Isak. He wouldn’t make him go with him but he really hoped he would. Even simply hated being on his own, and after Sonja had packed her bags yet again three nights ago, he hadn’t felt at home in his flat. Also, he really didn’t want to come back for Mikael. He cast a last look at the club but he was nowhere in sight. Either he was still inside or he had left without him noticing it. But Mikael had money on him, a phone, and a line of taxis that now began to pile up behind the one Even currently crawled into. He would be alright without him. 

By the time Even had made his way onto the backseat Isak was still lingering on the pavement, looking completely and utterly lost, his coat hanging off of him unevenly, his jeans wet and dirty at the knees now too, fresh snow getting caught in his thick hair. He looked up at the sky when he noticed the change in weather and sighed. 

“Fuck it.” He climbed into the backseat with Even and sneezed as soon as he had closed the door behind him. 

“I got aspirin too,” Even mused.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the warm welcome back. I loved reading your comments <3
> 
> The amazing PicadoraDK is now my beta!

Even didn’t immediately remember that he wasn’t home alone when he woke up around noon. Last night, he hadn’t gotten much more out of Isak, who had basically fallen asleep on him in the taxi, while Even had had a conversation with himself. By the time they got to his flat Isak had become so quiet that Even had already prepared himself for carrying him up the stairs. Once inside though, he had realized that Isak had been more than just tired. The way he had tracked Even’s every movement, how he had been self conscious all of a sudden, reluctant to even take off his coat that he had fixed on the ride home. He had been nervous.

Even had only understood how much so, when he had reached around him to stack the pillows on the couch so that it looked slightly more inviting. Isak had retreated from him so fast that he had tripped over his own feet and fallen backwards onto the cushions. Even had tried to reassure him that he wasn’t trying to make a move on him but he still didn’t think Isak had actually believed him. But whatever mistrust he had shown, Even had retreated into his own room after supplying Isak with a blanket and gesturing towards the fridge and the bathroom, guessing that Isak wouldn’t be up for a late night rom-com.

It had taken him a while to fall asleep and only after about an hour had he heard Isak close the bathroom door behind him to take a shower. He must’ve passed out while listening to the water running in the room next door, because he didn’t remember anything else.

The first thing on his mind when he woke up however, wasn’t Isak but Mikael. He reached for his phone and didn’t know how to feel when there were no new messages from him. The anger he had felt last night didn’t stir, although he felt strange thinking back to how closely Mikael had been wrapped around that other guy. It wasn’t exactly jealousy but some kind of feeling of betrayal that dominated him and he didn’t know how to deal with it. Still, he sent him a quick message asking whether he had gotten home alright. He wanted to know, even if he might decide that right now he wasn’t up to listening to Mikael’s desperate attempts to create a version of last night that he could live with.

Even yawned and knew he could easily have another few hours of sleep but decided against it. It was a bad idea to sleep the day away and subsequently be up all night if he wanted to stand a chance at making it out of bed on monday, and he had already missed too many morning classes. He hated being reasonable like this, it made him feel old. But it had been one of the conditions his parents had put on him to let him move out. He had to maintain his grades, his health, and his regular contact with them. Even was doing a good job walking a fine line on all three.

He only remembered Isak after having pulled on a long sleeved shirt to go with yesterday’s boxers and left his room with every intention of going to lie right back down on the couch. Had he gotten up a minute later, Isak would have been gone. He looked over his shoulder at Even, who was startled when he took him in. Isak was ready to leave with his hand already on the door handle. Unavoidably, he wore yesterday’s clothes and he looked every bit as worn out. The circles underneath his eyes seemed even more prominent, as if he hadn’t slept at all. His hair was untidy and his nose was red as if he had indeed caught a cold. The look in his eyes was glassy but at least he didn’t seem to be on the verge of tears anymore.

“Leaving already?” Even asked, trying to cover up how he had completely forgotten about Isak and the fact that his heart had jumped at the sight of someone standing in his living room.

Isak shrugged. “It’s past noon. I can’t hang out here all weekend.” He looked down to where his hand rested on the door knob, clearly uncomfortable. His voice was a bit raw and sounded as if he couldn’t breathe through his nose very well.

Even gave him a shrug back. “I don’t mind. Better than hanging out on the streets.”

The only reply he got came in the form of a long, considering look, as if Isak was waiting for him to take it back, or to say something else he could make more sense of. To Even, this made all the sense in the world. Isak clearly wasn’t dangerous or, judging by the giant stack of kroner Even spotted on the couch, in need of money that he would take in form of Even’s belongings. He was maybe 16 years old and unhappy enough to not want to be at home. There would be something terribly wrong with Even if he didn’t let him stay for a night or two.

When Isak didn’t say anything else but also didn’t move, Even went to grab the money he had left behind. He counted 600 kroner and gave a silent, disbelieving laugh at the exaggeration. “I’m not a hotel.”

“For the ride,” Isak mumbled.

Even knew for a fact that Isak was well aware that he had paid way less than that for their short ride home. He clearly remembered Isak fumbling with his wallet in an attempt to pay, his fingers frozen stiff. He shook his head and crossed the distance to Isak with a few long strides to press the money against his chest. Now that he was closer, he could see Isak’s cheeks turning rosy again. Or maybe they had been like that all along, matching his running nose. Isak lifted his hand to take the money and wiped at his face in the process. He nodded a bit half heartedly and carelessly stuffed the bills into the dirty back pocket of his jeans.

“Thanks,” he said and opened the door to the hallway.

“Anytime.” Even meant it. He didn’t know why Isak wouldn’t stay for breakfast, why he seemed so embarrassed by this. What he knew was that he felt bored the second the door closed behind him and he was alone again.

His place wasn’t huge, it wasn’t a flat one could easily feel lonely in. But still Even managed.

Basically, his apartment consisted of the room he called his living room, with a kitchenette and a table to eat that he hardly used, a decent couch and a TV. The front door led straight into it with no hallway to prepare anyone for the mess that was his place. It was worse in his bedroom because the room was tiny, but at least it led out to an even smaller balcony that Even used for smoking his entirely useless cigarettes on. There wasn’t much space and while Even had inhabited every inch of it he still hated spending much time home alone. It made him feel restless just like doing nothing did.

Now that Isak was gone Even got himself some cereal and crawled underneath the left behind blanket on the couch. It was Sonja’s blanket really, or the one she had always used, Even realized, when he was reminded of her the second he opened the chats on his phone. She had sent him a little heart, confusingly enough, since the last time they had talked had been four days ago and had involved her leaving his place carrying a suitcase of full of stuff that she had accumulated there over the last few weeks.

Sonja had never officially moved in with him as they had both decided that the place would be too small to accommodate two people permanently. That hadn’t stopped her from basically living with him though, and it felt as if she had not only broken up with him yet again but also moved out. There was empty space in his bathroom and in his bedroom drawers where her things had been and it made Even dislike being home even more.

He didn’t reply to her message right away but got distracted by Mikael’s face suddenly lighting up his screen with an incoming call. Even toyed with his phone for only a second before taking it.

“Even?” Mikael asked, sounding sleepy and hungover the way Even had expected him to be.

“Yeah. Have you made it home?” Even didn’t have to ask. He could hear soft classical music playing from somewhere but it was otherwise silent. The sound of his best friend’s house where he had spent too many hours of his childhood.

Apparently Mikael had a similar line of thought. “That’s Edvard Grieg playing,” he simply stated, followed by a little laugh that had Even already feeling better about both of them. Still he waited, wanting to hear what kind of explanation he would get for last night.

“You left without me,” Mikael said, sounding a little offended but mostly cautious. Testing the waters.

Even hated this, not knowing exactly where they stood. It had always been easy enough to not press his friend for an explanation as to why they had yet again fooled around with each other, but this time it felt like they were outright lying to each other. Something had clearly happened and Even should be allowed to ask about it, but somehow he doubted it would go down well.

“You didn’t seem to want to go,” he tried. It gave Mikael a way out while also putting him on the spot. There was no way he would admit to not having come outside to meet Even, because he had been messing around with someone. Not before he knew for sure that Even had seen him and that there was no denying it. But Even was interested in how close to the truth he would get.

There were only the accelerating sounds of some fancy instrument Even didn’t know the name for on the line before Mikael cleared his throat.

“Sorry I never came to find you. This girl kept buying me drinks.”

Even understood Mikael well enough to not mind the twist of the truth from “that guy” to “that girl”. What he was offended by was that he wouldn’t give him more than that.

“Just drinks?” Even pushed, making sure not to sound too annoyed. He could tell little Mikael wanted to talk about this, probably feeling guilty about the lies.

“Nah,” he eventually said. “But I didn’t go home with her.” There was another moment of silence before he added: “Want me to come hang out tomorrow? I’ll tell you more then.”

He wouldn’t. Even knew that this was all he would get out of Mikael and he did feel annoyed with it, but not enough to not want to see him.

“How about today?” He asked, looking around his empty flat while pulling his bare knees up to his chest underneath the blanket.

“Can’t, I told you. Family afternoon. It’s bad enough I’m hungover as fuck.”

“Get another hour of sleep,” Even suggested.

“Mhh,” Mikael made. “What about you?”

“My head’s fine. I’m craving junk food,” he said even though he didn’t really. But he did now that he had said it. It was a good enough a reason to get out of the house at least.

They didn’t talk much longer, they only laughed a bit about their pathetically lonely two person pre game and the people they had talked to at the club. Even didn’t mention Isak, Mikael didn’t mention whoever he had gotten off with last night, and they hung up after Even had swallowed all the lies he had been fed and Mikael sounded more satisfied than he had a minute ago.

Some days Even didn’t know why he had let himself be pulled in so deeply by Mikael and why he felt so much affection for him that he was willing to make all kinds of excuses, but then there were the days when he knew exactly why. Mikael had been his best friend for way too long to simply throw away now that things had changed between them, and whenever they weren’t out drinking, they worked out better than Even did with anyone else. Which admittedly wasn’t hard. There were a lot of people in Even’s life, but they were also constantly coming and going, none of them particularly close to him and if they were it was for a short while and then they moved on, which Even was fine with. It wasn’t like he was any different. Always distracted, doing a million things at once, talking to too many people to really remember the good ones.

Even turned up the sound of the TV while he got dressed and managed to not feel trapped by his own four walls for another hour in which he did some half assed cleaning and texted back people he didn’t like much. Then he headed out, spent two hours hanging out at a coffee shop with friends he managed to hit up with, and did some shopping. In the parking lot he yet again found himself with his phone in his hand, dialing Sonja’s number.

 

 

Sonja was beautiful but Even hadn’t ever really cared about that. He liked how she spoke her mind and how she was smarter than him and didn’t care when he was busy, if sometimes only in his head, because most of the time she was too. He liked that when she came over that night her first words weren’t accusatory, that she didn’t seem to think that their fight was something he had done but something they both were to be held accountable for. Sonja was honest about her own faults and she called him out on his and Even loved her for it.

Unfortunately, they were both far from flawless and spent more time calling each other out on their bullshit than they actually enjoyed being with each other. Even hadn’t spent much time thinking about their last break up. He knew it was a shitty thing to say, but he somehow knew that they would be back together soon enough. They had always been like this, for the last four years. Going back and forth, spending time with each other all day every day for a while before they reached their breaking point and both needed space. They couldn’t figure out the right distance to each other, were either all over each other or not at all and Even had gotten used to it.

He had come to terms with the inconsistency they brought into each other’s lives and he worked with what he had. Sometimes things were good between them and sometimes they weren’t, it wasn’t anyone’s fault and it wouldn’t ever change.

When he had called her late this afternoon she hadn’t sounded mad at him on the phone and when she had come over, she hadn’t looked like it either. They hadn’t spent much time talking things out but had jumped right into what they were best at.

Even lay contently on his back with her naked body pulled closely to his, wrapped in the thick blanket that was still on the couch, when she smiled against his chest and looked up at him.

“Here we are again,” she laughed quietly. “Are we gonna do better this time?”

Even couldn’t help but tease her. “What, you wanna go for a third?” It got him a half hearted punch into his shoulder but it also made her upper body shift even closer to his and her left hand slipping below the blanket, stroking his side.

“You know what I mean.” She kissed his collarbone and Even let out a sigh. He loved it when they were like this instead of yelling at each other over something stupid like how she had yet again skipped tennis to meet him and he hadn’t even shown, or how she had forgotten his shirt for work at her place and now he had nothing to wear.

“I know,” he said. But he couldn’t really promise her they’d actually improve and she didn’t expect him to. All they could do at this point was see how much longer they could keep this up before one of them started longing for something more consistent with an actual chance of lifelong happiness. Even didn’t think it would be him.

“You should move in for good,” he finally added. “We’re never alone together, maybe that’s it.”

“Says the guy who brought along friends to our anniversary dinner.” She didn’t say it angrily and Even rolled his eyes but smiled. They’d been over this. They’d broken up over this. They had moved on like they always did.

“Just saying. If you lived here, we wouldn’t fight over when and where and how to see each other.”

“We’d fight over other things. We’d break up over you not buying tampons.”

Even let his mouth fall open in a playfully offended gesture. “Really? You know I would.”

He could feel her laughing against his skin, her warm breath tickling his neck. “Yeah. But seriously. We both know it’s a bad idea. Especially in a place like this.”

She was right. Of course she was. His place was hardly big enough for him alone and it was a selfish thought. He knew full well he’d get sick of Sonja after two days. What he wanted was the company. To know he’d never be alone even when he was home. But he also knew that in practice he wasn’t made for living with his girlfriend. At least not in a flat that featured a sliding door to the bathroom that wasn’t lockable and hot water that ran out after each brisk shower. He wanted something he knew he would despise once he got it, but still he couldn’t help wishing for it.

“Hey,” Sonja whispered, picking up on his mood. “I can stay here for now. It’s not that I don’t want to be here, I can stay for a full week if you want me to, but I won’t give up my place.” She lifted herself up onto her elbows and trailed her index finger over his cheek while she spoke.

Even sighed. “You shouldn’t. Just stay the night?”

He didn’t know what it was. Why he was unable to be on his own. Unable to feel calm and relaxed, or simply feel like he didn’t need to be anywhere else. Why he already felt like they should be getting up and do something other than laying around like this. It was a saturday night and they could be anywhere but home. He wondered whether she’d be up for going out again. It wasn’t that late and he knew that she loved to go out and find the places that had ‘Lady’s Night’ and thus let her and her friends drink for half the price.

But when he opened his mouth to ask, she covered his lips with hers and he closed his eyes to kiss her back. He loved her. He just sometimes didn’t know how exactly to be with her. But this he knew. He knew how to touch her until she was moaning into his mouth and moving on top of him to straddle his thighs, rubbing against him in slow movements.

They were whispering against each other’s lips about how they had missed each other, how in the end there was nothing else but them, when the doorbell rang.

They pulled apart, their faces close enough for Sonja’s short blonde hair to fall onto his forehead.

“Did you invite anyone?”

Frowning, Even shook his head. “Not that I remember.”

“Do we open the door?” She asked, sitting up in his lap and arching her back in a way that made it hard for him to look away.

He should have said no. Should have leaned forward and kissed her lips raw, but he was too curious. Gently he pushed at her hips to make her climb off of him and when she did with a sigh that didn’t sound seriously annoyed he got up, grabbed his boxers, and pushed the button that would make the downstairs door open.

While he waited, he watched Sonja wrap herself in the blanket and cross her legs underneath her, clearly not expecting it to be anyone who would stay for long. Not after Even had just claimed he wanted to spend more time alone with her and wished she would move in. Even half expected Mikael to come running up the stairs the way he always did and already contemplated whether Sonja would stay if Mikael did, but it wasn’t him.

Even though Even had just seen Isak this morning it took him a second to place his face. He recognized him, but only after a short moment did he remember from where. Isak was carrying himself up the stairs a lot more slowly than necessary, as if he was a step away from turning around again. But he managed to make it to the door where Even stood waiting for him. He clearly tried to rid his face of all emotion, taking a deep, unsteady breath, but failing miserably. He looked apologetic, ashamed, and nervous, his eyes flickering to the ground numerous times before he managed to snap out of it. Not for a second did Even believe the cool demeanor Isak tried to convey by lifting his chin the way he had done to intimidate the strangers in front of the club yesterday.

“Isak!” Even smiled. “It’s good to see you.” He said it as if they were friends, trying hard to take some of that uncomfortable weight off of Isak’s shoulders. Apparently it didn’t work, as Isak dropped his gaze again and promptly began to blush harder than he even had yesterday when Even had watched him being sick.

Even gave a small laugh when he realized why. “Sorry, I have my girlfriend over.” There was no point in trying to cover up his hard dick tenting his boxers, it was what it was. He watched Isak’s eyes widen for just a second before he caught himself and already turned around again. It was then that Even noticed he had a backpack with him.

“Sorry. I won’t bother you then. See you around,” Isak said, even though if he left now, Even knew there was no way he would ever come back again. It would be too awkward.

“You’re not bothering me. Just give me a second.”

Even pulled the door wide open in an inviting gesture and Isak froze, obviously contemplating his options. His eyes darted from what he could see from the flat behind Even to his face and then to the wall beside the door. Anywhere but down and it made Even smirk. He was brave enough to come back and ask him to stay another night but got flustered by an already flagging erection.

“Come in, Isak. I swear it’s not a problem.”

To Even’s surprise, Isak turned back around. He took another deep breath and then came in. Even slammed the door shut before he could change his mind again which he inevitably would the second he spotted Sonja wrapped in only a blanket.


	3. Chapter 3

It didn’t take long for Sonja to realize that Isak was there to stay. She collected her clothes a bit awkwardly and then vanished to the bedroom to get dressed while Isak let his bursting backpack fall to the floor and pretended he wasn’t uncomfortable interrupting them. Twice, he opened his mouth to say something but closed it again and instead looked around the room as if he hadn’t been there before. Even busied himself with dumping dinner plates into the sink and letting them soak in warm water. 

He knew Isak was here to stay another night without having to ask. Sonja probably knew just by how late it was and by his luggage. 

“I can go. If you’re busy it’s not a problem.” Isak finally spoke.

Even dried his hands and walked over to where he was awkwardly standing in the middle of the small room. “And go back to the club and wait for that barista whose last name you don’t even know?”

“I do know it! I just didn’t remember last night. Too much tequila.” 

Even bit back a smile at his blatant lie. “What is it?” 

“Huh?” 

“Eskild…” Even gestured vaguely for Isak to give up the last name of his apparently dear friend. 

It took Isak a second too long to answer and he realized it and muttered a quiet “fuck you.” 

Even stepped around him and sank down onto the couch, pushing away a couple of pillows so there would be space for Isak too. “Who bought you tequila?”

“I did.” Isak shrugged off his coat and looked around for a coat rack he wouldn’t find. Even generally just used a chair near the door to throw his outerwear on. He pointed at it while he teased Isak some more. 

“You do quite a lot of lying for someone who doesn’t want to lie their way through life.” It had meant to be a joke but the way Isak’s face fell made Even regret his words. He was almost glad when for a second he could only see Isak’s back when he turned away from him to drape his coat over the chair Even had pointed out to him. 

“Someone I know. Unfortunately. He gets weed for my best friend,” Isak admitted.

“Where’s your best friend now?” Even couldn’t help but ask, accusation clear in his voice. If Mikael were afraid to go home and roaming the streets at night there’d be no way in hell Even wouldn’t be there for him. He only realized it was a bit tactless when Isak turned around again and that defensive look was back on his face, warning Even. So they both had best friends who could do no wrong in their books. 

“Cabin trip.” 

Even studied Isak’s face for a moment, unsure of whether he had been told another lie, but Isak met his gaze this time. He didn’t come over to sit with him but stayed standing, looking to where Sonja now emerged from the bedroom. She immediately moved to grab her jacket from where Isak had just buried it underneath his.

“You can stay,” Even frowned, a bit taken aback. “You said you would.” 

Both Sonja and Isak looked at him as if he had done something wrong. Even raised an eyebrow at them in question. 

“I came here to be with you, Even. If you’re having friends over I might as well go be somewhere else. It’s a Saturday night.” Sonja didn’t sound angry, she hardly ever did, but Even immediately knew that she wouldn’t stay, no matter what he said. Admittedly, he wasn’t too upset about it. He was curious about Isak, wanted to pester him with more questions, and with Sonja there he would have to divide his attention between them.

Still, he felt obligated to offer. “My friends are your friends, I’m willing to share.” 

Isak’s eyes narrowed at his words. “I’m not a thing to be had.” 

It took Even a second to realize he had offended him. He looked at Sonja and saw her smile more brightly at Isak than she had at him all night. 

“I see you’re in good company.” Sonja grabbed her bag and walked over to where Even was still sitting on the couch, feeling a bit stupid, and placed a lingering kiss on his lips. When she turned and headed for the door Even just caught Isak dropping his eyes to the floor but he couldn’t tell whether he had watched them or looked somewhere else to give them privacy. 

As soon as she was out of the door he yet again said “I’m sorry. This is intrusive and rude. I don’t usually…”

Even groaned. “Stop apologizing. You’re not intruding if someone invites you in, are you? And most people confuse rudeness with honesty.” When Isak still looked at him uncertainly he added “Really, I’d be more offended if you were out sleeping on some park bench right now.”

Isak didn’t argue. “Just one more night,” he promised. “Jonas will be back tomorrow.”

“It’s alright. Are you gonna hang out over there until you fall asleep standing up?”

“Honestly, I think I could.” He sighed. Still, Isak finally came over and sat down on the couch where Even had cleared a space for him. “I almost passed out on the tram earlier.”

“Didn’t sleep well on here?” Even patted the cushions underneath them. He had fallen asleep on them plenty of times and he knew it wasn’t half bad. He preferred his bed, but when he was on his own he usually slept with the TV on and stayed in the living room all night. 

“Not because of the couch. It’s all good.” 

Even hummed. He didn’t know what was going on with Isak but if it was bad enough for him to be that insistent on not going home, Even didn’t think he was likely to sleep well anywhere else either. He wanted to ask. Wanted to know what exactly it was that had made Isak run away or whatever it was he was doing. But it was the first time since they had met that Even felt like they were having a real conversation and he didn’t want to ruin it by jumping straight into an interrogation of that sort. Instead, he thought of easier questions. 

“How old are you?” 

Isak looked young. If he went to Nissen he should be at least 16 but maybe he had skipped a grade. He definitely seemed smart enough. There was something about him that was incredibly soft and that made Even want to wrap him in a blanket and cuddle him, but he also struck Even as bright. He couldn’t really explain why, but he didn’t think Isak would bore him any time soon. 

“Sixteen.” Isak spoke quickly enough for it to be the truth, stumbling over the word as if to get it out of the way. He could have easily passed for younger than that but Even didn’t say so. He had the feeling Isak was annoyed enough by having to admit he wasn’t of age.

“First year then,” he observed and Isak nodded. 

“Just started Nissen. Are you in uni?” 

Even huffed out a laugh. He was older than Isak but not that much. “Bakka. Sadly. Can’t wait to graduate and go somewhere else.” 

“Yeah,” Isak nodded. “Agreed.” He pulled up his nose and wrapped his arms around himself. Even watched him shiver for only a second before he got up and walked over to the bedroom to get the blanket Sonja had dropped off there. 

“I’d draw you a bath but it’s not worth it. There’s hardly ever enough hot water for it to be good,” he called from the other room while he pulled on some sweatpants and a shirt. “Want some tea?”

When he came back, Isak looked at him pensively, resting his chin on the backrest of the couch, his hair tousled from leaning against it before. He didn’t answer his question. 

“Do you take strangers home often? Your girlfriend didn’t bat an eye. You don’t seem to care either. I could be some psychopath. Strangle you while you’re asleep.” 

Even laughed, stepping up behind Isak and throwing the blanket over his head. “No way. You look like a lost puppy.” It wasn’t entirely true, he had noted his spine, but it made Isak let out a sound of wild protest from underneath the blanket while he struggled to pull it into his lap and sit up on his knees at the same time. 

“I don’t,” he insisted once he had managed to free himself, but the hint of a playful smile decorated his lips. “I’m not lost.” His smile lasted for only a second and was already replaced by him sulking yet again. “Just avoiding home. I wasn’t kicked out or anything, I could go back whenever.” 

“And you did,” Even noted. He gestured down to Isak’s new outfit, his jeans now black, paired with a blue Adidas jacket. There was also his bag. Maybe last night had been a rash decision, judged by how unprepared he had been, waiting for Eskild outside that club, but this wasn’t. Isak wasn’t planning on going back anytime soon, holding out until his best friend was back in town to take him in. 

“Yeah. Just to grab some stuff.” He hooked his thumb into the sheet that covered the blanket, pulling out a feather from underneath it. “I… My dad took off and my mum is having a mental breakdown so my aunt showed up out of nowhere to fix her. I’m useless there right now.” 

The pained look that showed on Isak’s face despite his best efforts to sound casual while he stared down at his fidgeting hands, made Even want to tell him that there was no need for justifications, that he got it. That sometimes things became too much and all you could do was leave and be somewhere else. Instead he stayed quiet, hoping for Isak to elaborate, being selfish again. 

He didn’t though. He bit his lip and let out a quiet “yep,” letting Even know he was done. 

“Sucks,” Even stated the obvious, sounding like a dick. “At least you’re out of there. The only one who should be able to mess up your life is yourself. Don’t let them do it for you,” he added. He had never been good at giving advice, always too caught up in how he viewed things himself to really understand what others might need. But if he were Isak, that’s what he would do. Distance himself, let them figure it out, try to not be a part of someone else’s mess and create his own somewhere else. 

“Yeah,” Isak said yet again, clearly as much out of his element as Even was. After another moment in which Even forced himself to keep quiet in hopes of Isak offering some more information, Isak cleared his throat. “Yes to the tea. Please.” 

As soon as he got up Isak pulled his phone out of the back pocket of his jeans and started tapping away at it. Even watched him while he reached for two cups and got to work. A small frown played on his forehead, crinkeling up his otherwise soft face. 

“Is that Eskild?” 

“Huh? No,” Isak shook his head. “I’m not actually that close to him.” Even had guessed that much but he appreciated Isak slowly letting his guard down anyway. Until he added “You can stop bringing him up.”

Even ignored that request. “Did you hook up?” 

From what he had gathered about Isak so far he would have guessed the suggestion would make him blush, but it didn’t. Isak simply shook his head no again, pensively and more slowly this time. 

“If he’s not that kind of special friend but also not that close to you otherwise, then why him? Isn’t Nissen filled with people whose second and third bedrooms you could crash in?” Even pressed. He didn’t miss the way Isak scoffed quietly at the insinuation. Still, he didn’t correct him.

“Nissen is filled with people I couldn’t care less about. The majority of them are useless.” 

“Jonas doesn’t go there?” 

Isak rolled his eyes at him. “He’s clearly not the majority.” 

The way he said it made it sound like it should have been obvious. As if it was impossible for his best friend to be a part of something Isak seemed to despise. It made Even think of Mikael and how he thought of him these days. He used to draw a line between people he liked and people he couldn’t stand, would get his mind blown by how easily everyone jumped from one side to the other. Until he had accepted that there were no lines and his friends were fuck ups and he could get drunk with morons just as easily. He didn’t say anything though, shrugged his shoulders, and took Isak’s word for it. Maybe Jonas was indeed some immaculate saint. 

He focused on filling the two cups in front of him with hot water and carried them safely over to the small coffee table. Isak was back on his phone, texting somebody with a grim look on his face. When he looked up he caught Even studying him, picking up on the silent question, and sighed. 

“My sister. She wants me to come home.” He buried the phone underneath the couch cushion while he spoke, as if to make it clear that to him the conversation was over. “You’re so damn lucky to be living alone.” It was obvious he was trying to change the topic and Even was happy to let him. He wasn’t any good at comforting people and usually opted for hugs and inappropriate kisses that smashed comfort zones. He didn’t want to scare Isak away just yet. 

“I don’t know,” Even mused. “It gets too quiet.”

“I’d love quiet.” Isak’s voice was weak, exhausted somehow, but the statement came without hesitation. It was only when he continued to speak that a hint of uncertainty made him stumble over his words as he tried to get them out too quickly. “So you don’t bring people home all that often?” 

Even smirked at him, knowing exactly what he was getting at. His ears were pink now, so different from when he had denied his involvement with Eskild. At least he knew he could believe him then. 

“I don’t usually pick up guys at bars and bring them home, no.” 

He said it with a smile on his face, amused by Isak’s inability to simply make sure they were on the same page, but still Isak’s face fell and he opened his mouth twice to reply before he found the right words. 

“I didn’t mean that.” His weak attempt at back paddling failed gloriously in Even’s eyes. “You can do whatever you want, it wasn’t an accusation! And I’ve just met your girlfriend anyway, right? I’m just… I don’t know, it’s weird to me that you don’t care. That you let me drink your tea and have your couch and…”

Even knew what he was getting at, and he understood that them meeting at a bar and going home together might have made Isak wonder about his intentions. The only reason he didn’t say just that and be done with it was the way Isak squirmed in front of him, drinking his tea too quickly now and no doubt burning his tongue. 

“Maybe Sonja and I aren’t exclusive. You’re jumping to conclusions here,” he pointed out, teasing him, delighted by how Isak didn’t pick up on the wide smile on his face but nodded as if he had been dead serious. 

“Yeah,” he mumbled, taking another large sip of tea and wincing promptly. He looked up at Even from under his lashes, the embarrassment clear on his face, and Even gave a laugh, needing him to catch on and lose the frown that still darkened his soft features. 

“I’m not trying to get into your pants, Isak,” he finally gave up when it didn’t happen. “And Sonja and I are serious. More or less. Either way, you could always say no.” 

“I wasn’t worried,” Isak lied and Even let him get away with it. “Sorry. I’m tired and sick and my brain is on autopilot.” 

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Even smiled and he definitely liked the way Isak’s face lit up a bit as if the reassurance actually got to him. He liked it enough to not want to ruin it by continuing to say the wrong things and so he turned on the TV and threw the remote in Isak’s lap to let him choose a channel.

It was a mistake as they ended up watching post football match interviews Even didn’t want to concentrate on. He personally preferred fiction to any kind of reality TV but if the sight of sweaty athletes made Isak’s night a bit more bearable then he was going to sit through it. After all, he wasn’t the one whose family had just fallen apart. Who was tired enough to nod off after fifteen minutes of panting, spitting, and repetitional vague phrases. 

Isak did though, sinking into the pillows on the far end of the couch. His eyes fell shut and he started breathing through his slightly open mouth due to his cold, his legs pulled up to his chest. Usually, Even hated being the only one awake and he had become rather good at accidentally waking up his friends if they nodded off and left him on his own, but he didn’t dare disturb Isak. Not when he looked fifty shades of exhausted and his face finally relaxed as he fell asleep. 

Instead, Even savored the warm and comfortable feeling that washed over him and made him close his eyes with the TV still throwing sports vocabulary at him. He knew that if he got up and crawled underneath his own blanket he would be wide awake within seconds and waste the night scrolling on his phone. But this was nice. He concentrated on Isak’s steady, rather loud breathing, the sound of the TV fading away when he stopped listening. 

He fell asleep marveling at how easy it was to let himself be pulled down into unconsciousness.


	4. Chapter 4

December 2015. 

Even wondered how much longer they would be able to go on like this without taking it a step too far. Maybe tonight was the night in which Mikael would tell their taxi driver he’d changed his mind when they got to his place, the night in which he’d follow Even up to his flat instead. 

His hands were insistent, pulling Even in by his lower back, fingertips pushing underneath his too thin winter coat, seeking out his body heat and making Even shiver at the ice cold touch on hot skin. He pushed his tongue into Mikael’s mouth, bracing one arm on the brick wall he had him pressed against and lifting the other to cup his jaw. He could feel rather than hear Mikael gasp, hot breath ghosting over his lips followed by the sharp movement of his hips against Even’s. The muffled music of the club drowned out the sounds of their lips, their panting breaths. 

This much they had done before. Even was no stranger to the feeling of Mikael’s desperate hardness against his thigh, to the way he had always been a messy kisser, overly eager to take what he wanted and intent on not wasting a single second of what he couldn’t have sober. Even didn’t mind. He liked being surprised by how forward his friend could be, how shameless a few shots of tequila made him. Selfishness was a virtue in his book. 

Still, their chaste kisses from a couple of months ago had turned into the messy biting of lips and chasing friction through their jeans quicker than he would have thought. He had anticipated the first time Mikael had pulled him away from the crowd for weeks, but once it had happened things had accelerated quickly. And now here they were, once again hiding in that same alleyway they usually found themselves in after enough time had been spent at the bar inducing Mikael with liquid confidence. Even knew something would happen soon. Something other than Mikael balling up his hands into fists at his back to keep himself from pushing his thumbs underneath the band of Even’s boxers that his fingertips had found. 

He had broken up with Sonja yet again. At least he thought he had. After three weeks of honeymooning, huddling up in either Even’s flat or at her place, ordering obscene amounts of take out, binge watching Downtown Abbey, and heading out into town way too late, they had finally snapped again a few nights ago. It had been Even’s turn to pack his bags and return to his too cold and empty flat. 

He wanted Mikael to go home with him. If only to share a bed like friends, to have him there and not wake up alone to another endless Sunday he couldn’t make count no matter how many cups of coffee with friends he squeezed in there. 

To make his point, Even pushed his hips forward and moved to bite down hard on Mikael’s neck for emphasis. This time he could hear the helpless groan that left his mouth, could feel the shudder wrecking Mikael’s frame. There was no way they weren’t gonna take this further soon. 

Of course the second Even licked a bold stripe up Mikael’s neck to whisper something to him that would make them go home already, always imitating his own sloppy techniques, was the second Mikael choked on a broken moan and pushed him off of him. Even found himself stumbling backwards, the world around him tilting for a second. The tequila in his system made him struggle to stay on his feet after a shove like that but it didn’t keep him from understanding that they were done now. 

Mikael’s eyes were hot and heavy on him, his coat askew, his throat bared and probably decorated with red blotches Even’s mouth had left there but that weren’t visible in the dark. But the spark in his eyes that made Even follow him out of the club time and time again was gone, replaced by something more fierce that reminded Even of anger. He knew it was directed at Mikael himself, that this was an internal struggle Even was only a symptom of, but it still hurt. If only the touch of his lips didn’t cause Mikael as much pain as it did pleasure. If only he could stop falling for this, break the cycle, find someone less complicated to busy his restless mind with. 

It wasn’t the back and forth that messed with Even’s head, not the way they wouldn’t talk about this tomorrow, or ever, and not the lack of commitment or holding hands. It was the denial and how he knew Mikael beat himself up over this. 

“Let’s go back inside.” Mikael’s words were the same ones every time they did this, sometimes paired with “I need another drink” or “I’m not fucked up enough for this”. His smile was back on his face after he had run his fingers through his dark hair that he was growing out and fixed his collar to cover his neck. But it wasn’t the easy one Even loved to see on him. Still he nodded and then found himself following his best friend back onto the main street, fixing the bulge in his jeans on the way. 

It had been a freezing night like this, even at the same club, when Even had taken home Isak that one weekend almost a month ago. So maybe it was due to the feeling of deja vu that Even wasn’t surprised to see him leaning against the brick wall of the alley he and Mikael had just come out of. Isak had drawn up the hood of his winter coat again, his breath painting clouds in the cold air and his almost hidden eyes fixed on Even. 

Even turned his head to where he and Mikael had stood only a moment ago, making out in the dark, to judge whether Isak might have seen. He wasn’t sure just from looking down the alleyway, but when he turned back to face Isak again, he knew. A hint of a smile played on his lips, bordering more on pity than amusement. Even didn’t know whether it had to do with Isak witnessing the way Mikael had thrown him aside or with how he was yet again half hard in his pants in front of him. He slowed down, signaling Mikael to go ahead and shaking his head at the slightly panicked look his best friend was giving him after eyeing Isak carefully for a second. 

“How’s your cold?” he asked in way of greeting. He hadn’t seen Isak ever since he had disappeared early in the morning after spending his second night at Even’s, not without leaving behind a considerable amount of cash yet again. Even had spent it on seeing the new Julia Roberts film four times in five days. 

Isak shrugged his shoulders and lifted up his chin, a gesture Even was already recognizing as his way of giving himself a confidence boost. It was meant to be intimidating, impressive, but all it did was show Even exactly when Isak needed himself to be just that. 

“I’m probably still contagious, so I’ll have to refuse.” 

“I didn’t offer anything,” Even laughed. “You still think this is what I’m about?” 

Isak’s eyes wandered back to the darkest corner of the alleyway meaningfully and Even pursed his mouth. “Mmh,” he hummed, pretending to think. He wasn’t offended. “It’s been three weeks though, you should be good to go.” 

“Too bad you’re already busy. Where’s your girlfriend tonight?” 

Isak’s chin was still up high. It didn’t make him taller than Even though so it didn’t do much even if Even hadn’t seen through his little act to cover up his nerves. He was also apparently sober tonight, unlike last time they had run into each other here. Sober and in a slightly better mood, or he wouldn’t be up for this kind of playful conversation Even loved to have with people. 

“I don’t know. Not with me, we’re taking a break.” 

Isak only hummed in response, a non committal sound that could either mean he wasn’t surprised or he was sorry to hear. Probably the former. 

“Are you waiting on Eskild again? The one you’re not that close to but whose bar you keep coming back to for something that definitely isn’t hooking up?” 

Isak rolled his eyes at him. “I was hoping to see him, yes. Would you check?” 

Even nodded, remembering how Eskild supposedly worked the Saturday shift, but he didn’t move. Instead he let his eyes wander over Isak, immediately taking back whatever conclusion he had come to only a few seconds before. He definitely wasn’t in a good place. Whatever it was that made him less whiny and emotional than he had been the last time, he was still tired, with bags under his blue eyes and his thin lips were worried raw. Then Even spotted the backpack on the ground next to him. He raised an eyebrow in question. When Isak crossed his arms in front of his chest instead of answering, he asked: “You and Jonas taking a break too?” 

The words made Isak flinch. If Mikael was a touchy subject for Even, how messed up were Jonas and Isak? 

“It’s complicated,” was all he got from Isak, but at least he lowered his arms again, shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his coat. It was good enough for Even. 

“Wait here. Don’t throw up,” he ordered and heard Isak scoff behind him when he had already turned around and began making his way towards the bar. 

He didn’t spot Mikael when he stepped inside but it was also incredibly crowded tonight. It was just after midnight and the dance floor was filled with people braver than Mikael, dressed in drag or making out with no care in the world about what kind of body they were pressed against. 

Even made his way over to the bar without making an effort to look for him, knowing that at this point Mikael would be on the hunt for something to knock him out. He had spent enough nights at the club to recognize most of the faces of the people who worked there, all dressed in short shorts, fishnets, and glittery Christmas themed shirts. He hadn’t paid enough attention to figure out which one might be Eskild though. Once he had pushed his way through the crowd and grabbed the sticky counter to steady himself while two girls were pushing into him from behind while grinding to some Beyonce song, he was pleased to find that there was only one blond, male bartender. 

It wasn’t the one who had served him and Mikael tequila all night though, so he didn’t know what to expect. He looked older than Even by at least a few years, and Even wondered yet again what kind of connection he could possibly have to Isak. What was it that made Isak look for him on nights when he apparently didn’t have anywhere else to go? Eager to find out, he waited impatiently until Eskild was done serving drinks to a group of bachelorettes in bunny ears and then waved at him from across the bar. 

Eskild came over, swaying his hips every step of the way and leaning too far over the bar towards Even so that their faces were not only close enough to place an order. 

“Let me guess, you want the James Dean?” he mused, messing up Even’s 80s quiff with a dashing smile. Even let him, but he had to lean to the side and read the menu behind the bar to check whether “James Dean” was actually a drink they served. When he found his answer he still shook his head no. 

“I want the ‘Isak is outside and needs parenting’,” he shouted over the music. Eskild frowned and made him repeat himself, ruining the effect of his joke. 

“Do you have any idea how many Isaks I know? I even know Isak from Growth of the Soil, he came in here once wearing stockings and a thong!” 

Even lost track of his task for only a second in order to pretend to be impressed but when he opened his mouth to clarify he remembered he didn’t know Isak’s last name. So instead he went for “angel curls, runny nose, could take down at least five hitmen with his bare hands.” 

“Valtersen? Isak Valtersen?” The smile on Eskild’s face turned from flirtatious into fond. When Even had to shrug his shoulders, he asked: “Eva’s Isak?” 

“Eva?” Even asked, feeling a bit ridiculous. “For all I know he’s in love with Jonas.” By the looks of how Eskild’s face lit up at that he knew they were on the same page now.

“Valtersen then,” he beamed. “Jonas oh Jonas, wherefore art thou Jonas?” Eskild dramatically recited, making heads turn while he made his way around the bar. “Where is he? Legally outside I hope?” 

“Waiting for you by the alleyway.” 

Even looked after Eskild when he left the bar without a comment to his coworkers, dancing his way over to the door. How the hell did he know Isak? If Isak had been lying to him and they really were hooking up, he would have to admit to being impressed. He wasn’t Even’s type, he generally liked smaller people he could rest his head on and stand behind at concerts, his arms wrapped around their waist. But Eskild was definitely better than what Even would have expected, what with Isak’s friends all going to Nissen and living in fucking Frogner, having oysters for dinner. 

Maybe he was exaggerating, and he did remember Isak saying he hated Nissen, but ever since he went to Elvebakken he had adapted their mindset, whether he had wanted to or not. He was being hypocritical though, as he had grown up around Mikael’s family. Or maybe that was exactly what explained his exasperation with people who had money and didn’t need to be human because they were all set. 

Thinking of Mikael made Even cast another look around the club. He circled the dance floor once and then twice, turned down three guys who attempted to pull him in, and finally found him near the bathroom where he should have checked first. Only instead of chatting up people in the same irresistible manner that had Even’s knees go weak whenever he was intoxicated, he was deep in conversation with a guy Even couldn’t place. They weren’t smiling at each other like they were discussing whose place to go to, but they weren’t subtly exchanging substances either, so Even was hesitant to approach. 

The guy Mikael was talking to was as dark haired as Mikael himself, his eyes sober, kind even, and he definitely wasn’t the creepy sort that would have made Even stump over there and cast a protective arm around his friend. It was the way he reached for Mikael’s hand then, that made Even remember. Mikael pulled away as if the guy had given him an electric shock and buried his hand deep in the pocket of his jeans, but Even was suddenly sure that it was the same guy that had been wrapped around his best friend just a few weeks ago. The guy who had gotten to kiss Mikael in a way that was reserved for Even. 

The realization still wasn’t enough to make Even interrupt them though. On the contrary; a weak version of the same jealousy or annoyance, whatever it was, that had overwhelmed him the last time he had seen them together came over him and all Even could do was watch them talk and feel the anger rise up in him. He took in the way they were leaning in close but still decent, as if it would have mattered in a place like this. 

Last month he had mostly been surprised by his own reaction to them as much as by what he had seen. Now that he realized Mikael had kept in contact with his version of a one night stand or whatever and not told him a thing, he felt something deeper inside him stir. With a muttered curse he turned around. This wasn’t even him baring the consequences of making out with his best friend on the regular which he knew to expect by now. This was him feeling genuinely betrayed by Mikael, and them occasionally getting it on after midnight had nothing to do with it. 

The night began to feel more and more like a deja vu when Even yet again stormed out of the club and threw the door shut behind him, the little bells on the door ringing in reminiscence. This time though, his eyes immediately fell on Isak who was talking to Eskild exactly where Even had left him. Not giving a damn about whether he might be intruding he rejoined them, pulling out a cigarette on his way. 

“I love you Isak, baby, but I can’t tonight,” he heard Eskild say once he was close enough. “I could call Noora for you and ask if she’ll let you in?” 

Isak shook his head at that, a dull look on his face. “Whatever, I’ll find a hotel or something.” 

Even spoke around the cigarette he was holding between his lips to light it. “Hotel Bech Næsheim, entirely free but not a single star. Maybe one for hospitality, I’ll make you a midnight snack and choose the best film for you to see.” 

Both Eskild and Isak turned towards him, Eskild with a beaming smile on his face while Isak only met his eyes for a second before he glanced at his shoes instead and began kicking at a piece of ice on the ground. 

“There you have it,” Eskild smiled. “If you come back inside you’ll get a free James Dean. I gotta run though, happy hour starts in five.” He really did run after he gave Isak a hug goodbye that was too brief for Even to still think they were hooking up. Then again, ‘I love you’ and ‘baby’ didn’t sound casual.

Once they were alone Even took a slow drag of his cigarette to get it to light up properly and then watched it burn down. Isak was still kicking at the ice in front of him, visibly miserable yet again. He only spoke when Even grew bored of watching the little spot of red light glimmer in front of him while thinking back to Mikael and threw his cigarette to their feet. 

“Stop doing that,” Isak snapped. 

“Stop smoking? I don’t, really.” 

“Just stop.” He sounded upset enough for Even to file that piece of information away for later. “Where’s your hookup?” 

His hookup. Maybe that’s what Mikael was. Not his best friend like he had thought, but his bad habit, as much as he knew he was Mikael’s. He shrugged. 

“Inside. Hanging out with his boyfriend or whatever. It’s not like he tells me things.” 

He didn’t care that Isak would not be able to make sense of this. All he needed was to blow off some steam. 

“Should he? I mean, are you dating or…?” There was awkwardness in Isak’s voice and it somehow calmed Even down. He appreciated the effort. 

“He’s my best friend,” he sighed. “I can tell you on the ride home.” 

Isak’s head snapped up at that and when their eyes met Even had to ball his hands to fists in his pockets, crushing his almost empty pack of cigarettes in the right one, to keep from reaching out to Isak and pulling him in. He looked so utterly sad for a moment that it wasn’t hard to remember what he had said about his home life the last time they had seen each other. Even didn’t believe in regrets but he still wished he could take back his words. 

“The flat I mean. My place. You coming?” He had to turn around in order to avoid looking at Isak any longer. If he did, he’d wrap his arms around him and probably make him question his intentions yet again. As if he’d ever take advantage of him like that. 

There were no taxis in sight this early and so he started walking the way he usually did, hoping that they’d find a ride somewhere on the way. He knew Isak would follow him this time without having to ask him again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't post this earlier because I was traveling and didn't have wifi, but here we finally go:) And I got to read all your amazing comments, thank you thank you thank you!! I'll get around to replying to them soon <3

It began to snow lightly as soon as they started walking. The streets weren’t that busy at night and they walked almost in silence once they had left the city centre. Even marveled at the way the snowfall looked in the lights of the streetlamps, but when he turned around to Isak he saw that he still looked grumpy. 

Most people held on to their emotions for longer than a few seconds, Even knew. He was aware that it was healthy to take the time and assess ones feelings, but most of the time his didn’t stay with him long enough for Even to do anything with them. He was still mad at Mikael, still hurt, still felt betrayed, but now that the club was out of sight and he had a new task at hand, that was to interrogate Isak, he couldn’t hold on to the feeling any longer. Instead of working through it now, he already knew he would feel a new wave of it all the next time he saw Mikael, still raw and seemingly out of nowhere. 

But Isak apparently wasn’t like him and his eyes were glued to the ground while he held on to the straps of his large backpack to make it feel less heavy. 

“Want me to carry it?” Even offered, already knowing that Isak would decline. He wasn’t surprised when Isak shook his head, but at least he looked up at him now. 

“Thanks though. You really don’t need to...” 

“If you tell me one more time that you don’t want to intrude or be rude or whatever, I’ll make you sleep on the floor. It’s okay, Isak, I promise. I like having people over. Not a fan of the quiet.” 

“Alright,” Isak mumbled. “Sorry.” 

“So who’s Eva?” 

“Eva? Why?” There was a hint of something like fear in Isak’s voice, panic maybe, and Even actually turned around to walk backwards and be able to look at him. 

“According to Eskild, you’re Eva’s Isak,” he tried.

“Ugh,” Isak groaned. “No. She’s Jonas’ girlfriend. It’s just that Eskild knows her rather than him. He lives with Noora who is Eva’s best friend. So Eskild knows Noora who knows Eva who knows Jonas who knows me. It’s awful.” 

“Why? Sounds like fun.” Even hadn’t had a friendship group like this in a while. He grew tired of them too quickly and had been bouncing around between groups of people like a pinball lately. The only steady relationship in his life had been Mikael for the longest time and apparently even that one wasn’t what he had thought it was. 

Isak shrugged. “Jonas is fun. I do like Eskild.” 

“Jonas...” Even began but then decided to drop it. He honestly thought Isak would stomp his foot and turn around like a child if he brought up what Eskild had implied about them. Well, what Even had implied and Eskild had confirmed. So instead of going there he asked: “Have you been staying with him all month?” 

Isak nodded. “Yeah.” 

“And now? Don’t tell me it’s complicated.” He turned back around, walking next to Isak instead. The snow was falling heavier now, but neither of them was in a mood to rush their way home. Instead, Even pulled up his hood the way Isak had done and drew up his collar, but his coat was aesthetically pleasing rather than practical and he still shivered underneath it.

“It is though. Well, not that complicated, but it’s a stupid story you wouldn’t want to hear.” 

“Try me,” Even practically begged, but Isak just shook his head. 

“You wanted to tell me about the guy. Your best friend? Whom you were definitely kissing, so what’s up with that?” 

Isak might have his reservations and principles about how he didn’t trust strangers with his secrets, but Even had always liked to overshare. And if Isak was asking like that, he couldn’t complain. What else was a walk in the dark at midnight for if not confessions. 

“We hook up,” Even said. “We’ve known each other basically our whole lives. Nothing ever happened before like a few months ago. But now it became a thing. A drunk thing. He’s not out, partly because his family is gonna be an issue, and we don’t talk about it. It’s all good, I don’t mind the secrecy, but now he apparently started seeing someone. I don’t know, I saw them make out a while ago and today they were talking again. But he never told me a thing. I’m his best friend, he should tell me, right?” 

Isak only hummed again, saying neither yes nor no. “How does your girlfriend fit into all of this?” he then asked, as if he hadn’t fully registered Even’s dilemma. So he wasn’t the kind of person who would tell him what he wanted to hear. Even had liked him before but he liked him even better now. 

“On and off. Off at the moment. We fight and then we make up only to be together long enough to find something to fight over again.”

Isak scrunched up his nose next to him. “You seem like a mess. I thought you had it together because you have your own place but it sounds like I had it all wrong.” 

“No one has it together. Also, you live out of a backpack.” Even laughed at him. It seemed like ages before Isak decided whether to be insulted or laugh it off and luckily he went with the latter, giving him a weak smile. 

“Not my fault. Home is hell right now. Trust me, you wouldn’t wanna be there either.” 

“I trust you,” Even said too easily. “So nothing has changed since last month?” 

Another vague look and a shrug. “Still don’t want to go back if that’s what you mean.” 

It wasn’t what Even meant. He was honestly interested by now, not just about the facts but about what Isak thought of them. He wanted Isak to tell him things, wanted him to trust him and to call him a friend, at least for the night. Even hated small talk with a passion.

But instead, Isak began asking about Elvebakken, choosing the most boring subject they could possibly talk about. Why had he gone for Bakka, did they teach the same subjects, did he like it, why not, would he like Nissen better, why not. Even played along for a bit but in the end they got hung up on the subject of Mikael again, as all of Even’s answers seemed to revolve around him. 

He had chosen Elvebakken because of him. He didn’t like it but it was still the best place to be because at least he had Mikael there who would help him cheat on tests and make sure he showed up for class fairly regularly. 

“If you’re that attracted to him, why aren’t you dating him?” Isak eventually asked after listening to Even’s monologue about the advantages of having Mikael around for a while. “Can’t be harder to hide than what you have going on right now.” It made Even turn around to face him again. 

“What? I never said anything about attractive. I mean, he is, but that’s not why I like him. He’s the best person I know.”

Isak studied him for a while, then opened his mouth but closed it again. 

“We’re not dating because he can hardly stand making out with me without feeling like he failed the Overlie family name,” Even added. “Do you honestly think he’d start dating a guy for real? It’s nothing I’ve even thought about.”

Again Isak shrugged, then he lowered his head to study the icy ground yet again. “You don’t have to be making out in order to date.”

Even frowned. He wasn’t exactly following Isak’s train of thought, but at least they were done discussing biology departments. He watched Isak jerk his head up again after a few seconds of silence, too abruptly to not be something he just forced himself to do. 

“No,” Even agreed. “But I’m still not romantically interested in him. He’s my best friend.”

“Whom you consider the best person you know and whom you are attracted to. What’s romantic interest for you then?” 

There it was, the kind of conversation Even had been chasing. And now that he had it, now that Isak was finally done being all shy and apologetic, he was surprised by what it was that had sparked his interest. 

“I don’t know,” Even hummed. “It just sometimes fits and sometimes it doesn’t. Can’t define it. But it’s not Mikael, for sure.” 

“Mh,” Isak replied, sounding almost disappointed in him. It bugged Even. But he also didn’t know what else to add. He turned back around again, checking the street for passing taxis but they weren’t lucky tonight. Then again, it wouldn’t be that much longer until they would reach Even’s flat by foot. 

He already longed for a hot shower and yet again cursed his landlord for not having the hot water boilers checked so that two people could have consecutive showers. There was no way he was gonna cheat Isak into a cold bath though and so he mentally began to prepare himself for a quick, lukewarm wash and a big hoodie. 

He turned his head to the side only to find Isak seemingly lost in thought. If he wasn’t gonna go further into this, Even would have to throw in all he had. 

“Are you and Jonas dating?” 

Isak slowly raised his eyebrow at him but he didn’t look as startled as Even would have expected him to be. In fact, he straightened his back a bit, fidgeting, and the anxious look from earlier was back on his face. Even was sure he had gotten this question before and he didn’t like it because the easy answer wouldn’t tell the whole story. 

“Jonas is dating Eva. Like I said.” 

“Yeah, like Mikael is straight.” Even was working with assumptions here and he knew it. But he enjoyed pushing Isak’s buttons, learning him, judging his reactions. He was so incredibly easy to read, and it ambiguously made Even curious.

“No. Like Jonas is talking about whether it’s too early to get engaged. Like they spend every fucking weekend together, going up to the damn cabin all the time.” 

“Huh.”

“Yeah. They’re those people. Not like Mikael, not like you. They’re serious.” 

“I’m serious!” Even protested, but he could tell Isak’s agreeing nod was a means to stop him from arguing. “I mean it. I’m just not serious about kissing Mikael because he isn’t serious either. It’s never going to be a real thing so why stress about it?”

“I’m not judging you,” Isak said. “Just saying they’re into doing the whole steady relationship thing and you don’t seem the type.”

Even wasn’t the type. But it wasn’t like he had made a choice one day to not be able to stand still for long enough to actually fall for someone for real. If his head told him a million things at once and concentrating on one single person was the hardest thing he could imagine doing then that wasn’t his fault. It didn’t make him not serious. It didn’t mean he didn’t seriously care. 

“Didn’t mean to offend you.”

It was only then that Even realized he had been quiet for too long. He quickly shook his head, not wanting Isak’s cascade of apologies to make a reoccurrence. 

“You didn’t. Stop worrying.” 

“Feels like it. I hardly know you so I’m not gonna assume. I’m sorry.” 

“Feel free to keep pretending you know me,” Even said, smiling at Isak. “I like it better than being strangers.” 

He could easily read the skeptical look on Isak’s face. “We’re still strangers, even if I pretend.” 

“We’re only strangers if you keep saying we are. You could tell me things instead. Like why you fell out with Jonas and are stuck looking for a place to stay yet again.” Even began digging for his keys in the back pocket of his jeans. 

“It’s nothing I wanna tell anyone.” As if it was ever that easy. 

Even smiled, then proceeded to go through the endless amount of gum wrappers and loose kroner in the pockets of his coat. Isak watched him suspiciously as he finally pulled out his keys and began disentangling them from his headphones. They were almost home now, Even could already see that he had left on the light in his bedroom yet again and pushed the thought of his upcoming electric bill from his mind. 

Finally, Isak ran a hand over his nose that was running again from the cold and asked: “Why are you so hung up on hearing someone else’s dirty details?”

“They’re dirty?” Even laughed, still trying to lighten Isak’s mood. It didn’t work. 

Instead, Isak’s eyes narrowed. “Do you happen to know Eva?” 

They were crossing the street to Even’s flat now, walking faster to finally be inside. 

“Don’t think so?” Even half asked. “Why?” 

“Nothing.” 

When Even shot him a playfully dirty side look at his secrecy, Isak sighed. He shuffled closer to him though when they stopped and Even unlocked the door, urging him to get inside already. But Even didn’t move. Instead, he braced his forearm on the door once he had pulled the key, but didn’t move to open it. 

“One secret. You’ve stayed at my place before, you now know all that stuff about Mikael. We’re friends. Just tell me.” 

It was Isak’s turn to laugh. “I’m not the only one who knows about Mikael though, am I? You don’t seem big on having secrets.” 

He wasn’t. But the only people that knew about Mikael and him were people who wouldn’t ever care. 

“I’ve told strangers. People I hardly know and whom I got wasted with after he was done with me for the night. But no one really knows. No one at Bakka or anything, they can’t ever know. So you’re a first.”

Isak’s teasing laugh turned into a smile. A shy one that reminded Even of the Isak that had first entered his flat a month ago. He studied Even’s face for quite a bit, then looked up into the vague direction of Even’s windows.

“It has to stay in there,” he said and pointed up the dirty white house front. “You can’t tell anyone.” 

“Promise,” Even said. How could he not, when Isak’s face was suddenly all serious, his eyes staring into his with an almost scary intensity. It made it impossible for Even to look away. Isak’s cheeks were damp with snow, his lips all puffy and dry. 

“I caught Eva cheating on Jonas at a Christmas party. I can’t tell him so I moved out. Can’t stand being around him without saying anything.” 

Even had already prepared himself to keep a neutral face in case Isak would say something he didn’t agree with. No way in hell would he scare him away now by saying or doing the wrong thing just because he lacked a filter. But this was easy. This was something Even didn’t need to hide his reaction to, because he understood. 

“You can’t tell him or you don’t want to tell him?” he asked. 

“Can’t,” Isak almost blurted out. “It’s…” He finally looked away from Even and at the hand he had on the doorknob instead. “She knows I like Jonas. Heard me say something about it to Eskild once.” 

Even bit his lip, anything to keep himself from saying something about how he had been right. “You think she’ll tell him if you say something,” he concluded and then watched Isak nod and push back his hood just to run his hand through his blond hair. It almost looked a bit like Even’s when he pushed it back like that. 

“So I told her I’m seeing someone. When she tried using the Jonas thing on me. I made up a girlfriend to make her think I’m over Jonas, or that I wasn’t into him to begin with. Don’t think she believed me, but of course I had to tell Jonas the same thing. So I lied to him, and if she tells him now, it’ll be even worse because the whole made up girlfriend thing will blow up too. I can’t stay with Jonas because he keeps asking about who she is and whether he’ll meet her after Christmas when we’re going to the fucking cabin yet again.” 

Even held on tightly to the doorknob to keep from grabbing Isak’s hand when he ran it through his damp hair yet again. Instead, he pushed open the door, finally letting them in. He wasn’t gonna mess this up. Not when Isak looked desperate and actually scared. He wasn’t gonna blurt out something stupid and mess things up further. Not this time. He was gonna be rational about this, helpful and insightful.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much, I love you all <3

“And you call me a mess?” Even teased and pulled the door to his flat shut behind him more quietly than usual due to the time. His neighbors had already complained about his noisy habit of coming and going, sometimes in company, late at night one too many times. It wasn’t that Even was inconsiderate, it was just that the house was old and the walls thin. “You’re in love with your best friend.”

Isak gave him a pissed off look while he shrugged off his coat and threw it over the chair. “You get off with yours,” he dryly stated, as if to say “you’re worse”. 

Even wasn’t sure that he was. “At least Mikael isn’t straight. Or dating the love of his life. Also we never actually get off, that would make it too gay for him to handle.” 

“Eva is not the love of his life. She cheated on him.” The way Isak threw himself face down onto the couch as if he owned the place made Even feel accomplished. He took off his own coat more slowly, buying himself time to cherish the sight of Isak finally starting to feel more comfortable around him. 

“Maybe not,” he shrugged. Apparently the way Even had articulated ‘love of his life’ artfully to indicate how much of a foreign concept this was to him had flown right over Isak’s head. Or he didn’t feel the need to comment. Even was almost certain this was something they would disagree on, judging by the weirdly intense way Isak spoke about Jonas. “Maybe you are,” he added to find out, biting his lip in anticipation of the reaction this would get him. 

Isak turned onto his back, the fabric of his sweater riding up his flat stomach. He smoothed it down immediately and kept his hand there, playing with the hem. “Pretty sure you don’t know that kind of stuff until your life is over. And Jonas isn’t into guys. Like, at all.” 

“Why doesn’t he know that you are?” Even asked, finally dropping his wet coat on the floor to avoid covering Isak’s with it and preventing it from drying over night. “He’s your best friend.” 

“Complicated,” Isak groaned from the couch yet again and threw his arm up over his face to cover his eyes as if that would make Even shut up. His shirt was riding up again, exposing his pale hips. Even marveled at the way his boxers peeked out from underneath his jeans for only a second before Isak’s other hand was there, pulling down his sweater yet again. Even sucked in his lower lip in a pout and went into the kitchen to find them some food. 

“Even,” Isak asked from behind his back, his voice soft and almost sleepy. Usually, when people addressed him directly it wasn’t like this, it was either a frustrated groan or something angry. The sound of it startled Even. “What would you do? Would you tell Jonas?” 

“About Eva and her hook up?” Even asked back, staring into the fridge without remembering what he had wanted to take out. Isak hummed a confirmation. 

The thing was, Even would have never found himself in the situation Isak was in. He would have already made a move on Jonas, regardless of Eva. He would have made it clear what he wanted. He wouldn’t be as caught up on the whole thing because relationships were messy and who was he to judge. 

“I’d make sure not to get in the middle of it,” he said tentatively. He wasn’t the one to ask for advice unless Isak wanted to get into more of a mess than he was already in. While it was true that Even avoided conflict, he still seemed to create it wherever he went. 

“I already failed at that.” Isak sounded resigned. Like he was already tired of the whole situation. 

Even grabbed two beers, some yogurt, and two spoons. “You said you didn’t wanna lie your way through life, so there’s your answer.” 

He didn’t get a reply until he had walked back over to where Isak lay on the couch and only moved when Even squeezed himself onto the cushions at his feet. 

“I think I’m willing to lie if that means Jonas won’t know.” Isak still had his arm over his eyes and he was mumbling into his skin now. Even liked this version of Isak, the one that didn’t overthink every word he said and considered its consequences. 

“Then that’s your answer,” he said, unhelpfully. He didn’t know what to say to make Isak feel better; this wasn’t what he was good at. He wanted Isak to talk about himself, wanted to hear about this life that was lived by someone who was better at it than Even was himself. Only to marvel at how people whose mind didn’t play tricks on them all the time saw the world. He didn’t want to taint Isak’s world with his messy advise and make it into his, into something uncontrollable and scary. Isak was better off without his input. 

The thought struck Even out of nowhere and unlike his other thoughts that came and went so unusually fast, this one decided to stick to his mind and set the mood. He stared down at Isak’s socked feet that almost touched his thighs and took in the tension in Isak’s body, the way he had drawn his feet up to his chest now, so close it looked uncomfortable. But he endured it just so they wouldn’t touch. Another thought that stayed. 

Just when Isak cleared his throat, Even could feel his phone vibrate in the back pocket of his jeans. He pulled it out out of instinct, unable to resist the curiosity whenever someone called him, especially late at night. He almost felt obliged to check it. 

It was Mikael’s face that lit up his screen yet again and he didn’t waste a second to accept the call. 

“Hey!” There was no music, no loud chatter or laughter, just the faint sound of what might have been a car passing by. So Mikael had left the party. Even prayed to God that he was alone. If he wasn’t, if he was actually calling him from his boyfriend’s place or was in his company without admitting to it, Even didn’t think he could stand it without snapping. 

“Even!” Mikael replied, sounding slightly drunk but not wasted the way he had steadily headed towards earlier. His voice was soothing regardless of everything. It was how Even had always known that keeping Mikael around was something he wanted, something he cared about more than anything else. He grounded him. 

“Where are you?”

“Walking home. Why do you keep leaving without me?” He sounded genuinely upset.

Even knew he might be lying, like he had apparently lied about everything else lately, but he desperately clung to the other option. That Mikael was sobering up and missed Even’s voice on the way home. 

Still he couldn’t keep himself from letting his bitterness show when he replied: “You’re the one who keeps ditching me.” 

“I didn’t...” Mikael’s words were slurred and he needed a second to find his next ones. “Since when do you care, Even? You’re always chill, everything’s always chill, don’t act like you don’t know what to do without me.” 

The last time Even had left Mikael behind at the club without saying a word, they hadn’t talked about it afterwards. Just like Even had predicted then, neither of them had spoken another word about how Mikael had clearly not been getting it on with some girl like he had claimed, and how Even had disappeared into a taxi with someone else. Apparently tonight was different. Even sat up on the couch, straightening his back. This was new. 

Usually, he calmed down over night and when they talked the next morning it wasn’t like he concealed the fact that he was upset, he really was over it. But tonight the frustration over what he had learned about Mikael was still on his mind, even if Isak had distracted him from it well enough. 

“Like that’s a bad thing,” Even snapped into the phone, the unfamiliar situation making him more fierce than he would have otherwise been. It was almost like he had to prove to himself that he would be the master of this, that he was in control. 

“Yeah, Even, it is. You don’t care about shit!” 

Even could tell by the way Isak shifted next to him that he had heard Mikael drunk talking through the speaker. He wanted to believe that it was the alcohol speaking, that this wasn’t what his friend actually thought of him. 

“Call me tomorrow,” he said, ready to hang up, spend the night distracting himself from this with anything he could find, and waking up tomorrow with a newfound sense of distance to the whole thing. Maybe his distraction could even be Isak’s lips on his, if he was into it, or maybe his own lips sucking hickeys into that pale white skin of his narrow waist. It was how he dealt with things because this, this tsunami of whatever it was that was building up inside of him and began to shake the ground beneath his feet, he couldn’t deal with. It was easier to hang up, take a deep breath, and wait for it to be gone. 

“Wait,” Mikael asked, his voice slightly out of breath from walking. “I don’t mean you don’t care. Shit, I mean, you care differently, okay? Whatever. We should avoid the club from now on, yes? Just hang out when it’s daytime and there’s no booze and you can keep your goddamn hands to yourself.” 

Even closed his mouth, the thought that had been on the tip of his tongue gone. It was the first time Mikael had mentioned whatever was going on with them more directly than in the form of a snide remark or joke to underline how ridiculous the whole thing was and how wasted he must’ve been in order to go there. Touching Even, the ultimate form of drunk decisions to regret. 

“Whatever,” Even said, his voice dry and not at all the way he tried to make it sound. Cheerful and unimpressed. “I don’t mind.” 

He wanted to add so much, wanted to put it all out there, how much he hated the fact that Mikael lived a fucking lie. But somehow he was too baffled by what was going on. Maybe, if Mikael had caught him in another moment, one where he wasn’t hung up on whether Isak actually despised him enough to not even want to touch him with his pinky toe, he would have reacted to this. Would have yelled at him to take a step back and think about who it was that kept reaching out to the other, who pulled them into their late night alleyways and bathroom stalls. 

A short laugh came from the other side of the line, a disbelieving one. “That’s exactly why. Exactly why, you know? You don’t mind. You never fucking mind anything!” 

It was then, while he was listening to Mikael drunkenly ramble about how much he sucked as a person, that Even realized he had reached out for Isak’s foot. That he was absentmindedly pushing his thumb in between his clothed toes, once into every one of the tiny spaces between them and then going backwards. Isak’s gaze was fixed on their touch, his chin propped up on his knees. He didn’t pull away but let Even control his temper through his fiddling. 

“Just don’t leave without me next time,” Mikael eventually said, drunk and sad in a way he didn’t usually get. So there was going to be a next time after all? Even was lost as to what was going on and he pulled his face into a smile, trying it on for size. This was just booze-inflicted rambling, nothing Mikael would acknowledge tomorrow morning, nothing he himself should take seriously. 

“Call me tomorrow,” Even repeated, neatly avoiding to make promises, the way he liked to do. If he wanted to leave without Mikael then he would, and Mikael knew this about him. 

“Yeah, whatever. Whatever, Even,” Mikael echoed his own words from earlier back at him. He was drawing them out as if he hated the taste of them in his mouth and had to somehow water them down. 

The line went quiet and Even took a second too long to lower his phone from his ear. For a moment he just listened to the silence and felt Isak’s wondering, maybe even concerned eyes on him. He tried to concentrate on the other body next to his, proof of how he wasn’t alone. Then he closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, he saw his own hand on Isak’s foot, his fingers now wrapped around it as if he needed to hold on to something. 

Isak still hadn’t moved, still let him do his thing without questioning it. 

“Drunk people,” Even eventually murmured and threw his phone onto the crammed table in front of the couch. He still tried to grasp what it was he was feeling, tried to make sense of it all. But it was hard to get a hold of and so he focused on the smile that was still on his face, tried to make it feel more like it belonged. 

This would all be gone in the morning. This was just a bad moment; they happened. It wasn’t the first time that Even felt like he had been floating around in a balloon of joy that had suddenly got popped and he was crashing fast. It happened, and he was used to it. What he needed was a distraction to keep himself from obsessing. 

He dug his fingers into the ball of Isak’s foot and watched his face screw up in something that might have been pain, might have been pleasure. Either way, Even lightened his touch and instead began playing with the hem of Isak’s skinny jeans. They both watched his hand for a while, saying nothing. Isak was probably waiting for Even to talk first. To express some kind of emotion over what had just happened. 

His chin still rested on his knees, supported by both of his hands, while he studied Even pensively. When finally their eyes met, he moved and grabbed the yogurt Even had placed on the couch table, but ignored the beer right next to it. 

“He sounds like an ass,” he stated and began eating. 

As much as Even wanted to agree, he shrugged instead. “His ass is drunk. You get whiny and insecure when you drink, he gets honest. It’s whatever.” He leaned forward, finally letting go of Isak, and grabbed for his own spoon after he realized that Isak seemed to be starving and his last food was going to disappear quickly. 

“I’m not whiny!” Isak complained. “You met me at my absolute worst, okay? Also I was unsure because I thought you were gonna expect things. Take me home and, I don’t know, start stuff.” 

“Start stuff,” Even repeated, his smile feeling less forced by the second. “I know you still think that. It’s why you’re so wary of me.” 

“I’m not wary,” Isak spoke around the spoon in his mouth just like Even would have bet real money that he would. “This is what people are like when they first meet someone. They don’t let you in on their darkest secrets, I don’t know what you’re used to.” 

Even grabbed the yogurt from him. “And still you kind of did.” 

They looked at each other, Even with his best teasing smile, Isak studying him as if there was something important he had to figure out. 

“I kind of did,” Isak agreed and then lowered his eyes, staring at the food. Even was glad he had admitted to it. It soothed a bit of the ache, the anxious racing of his heart that he was fighting now after hearing Mikael talk like he had. Isak had trusted him, so Isak had to think that he cared. At least there was that. What did it matter what Mikael thought of him. 

They finished their snack too quickly and Even reached for his beer without really wanting a drink. He fidgeted with the bottle in his hands and then turned on the TV, annoyed by the silence. 

Some thriller Even knew he’d hate was on but he didn’t bother changing the channel and instead turned the volume down until he could hardly understand the characters’ panicked conversation. They were in the woods, most likely being followed or worse. 

“So you’re going to the cabin next week?” he remembered, turning his head to Isak in hopes of more distraction. 

“Yeah. Right after Christmas. Jonas, Eva, and me. It’s gonna be the worst three days ever.” 

“Why do you go then?” 

Isak shrugged, his eyes remaining fixed on the TV. “Jonas? I don’t know. There’s nothing else to do either. Especially this year, I don’t wanna hang around at my mum’s place right now.” 

Even kept forgetting. How could he forget something like that? “You’re gonna go home for Christmas though? See your mum?” 

“Have to,” Isak mumbled into his hands that he had brought up to his face yet again, this time to rest his head on them, his elbows on his knees. “Where’s your family?”

There was such a pitiful look on Isak’s face that Even couldn’t keep himself from reaching out to him again, this time to grab his feet for real and pull them into his lap. He could easily make it look like it was a move to comfort Isak when really he needed the touch himself. Needed his warmth and the secure feeling of someone else’s body wrapped around his. Hugging him would only scare Isak into his awkward, unsure self though, so he settled for holding his feet down on his lap, trapping himself underneath them for comfort, and rubbing his thumbs over the rough fabric of Isak’s socks. 

“My parents live nearby, I just needed my space. I’ll be at their place for Christmas. It’s...” he cut himself off, not wanting to complain about how boring his holidays were going to be when it would be Isak’s first Christmas without his dad. All that was bothering Even was that too many of the people he hung out with left Oslo for the holidays, that the stores and coffeeshops had weird hours, and no one was generally up for anything. It would be a struggle for him to stay sane after two whole days at home, playing boardgames with his parents. 

On TV, the couple had made their way back to their cabin in the woods, locking themselves inside like idiots. It was then, that he thought of it. 

“Let me go with you. I’ll be your cover story of a boyfriend for the week, you can save me from dying of boredom before we make it to 2016. It’s a win win.” 

Even held his breath. He knew it would be a no, remembering how he had offered this once before, the very first time they had met and how offended Isak had been at the idea of lying to someone’s face. But he was curious as to what reason Isak would come up with to refuse. Maybe his mother. Or his sister that he had mentioned once. Maybe Even being a mess and probably untrustworthy. Even finally lifted his beer to his lips.

Isak only reacted when the couple on screen was done taking off their clothes and snuggling up in front of the fireplace for warmth, the music turning into something Even definitely wouldn’t have chosen as a make out mix but what seemed to work for them. To his credit, he didn’t look as bewildered as Even would have expected when he turned to look straight at him, some inner conflict making his eyes go smaller as he took Even in once from head to toe. 

“You’d do that?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you!!! I love hearing from you so much!

Even hadn’t realized how badly Isak wanted his thing for Jonas to stay on the down low. Badly enough to find himself in the passenger seat of the car Even had borrowed from his mum, staring out the window at the snowy white forest they were inching their way through.

They had been driving for about two hours and Even had given up trying to start a real conversation with his now pretend boyfriend. Isak was sulking again, watching the road now that he was done changing the radio station every few minutes as they had lost reception a few miles back, and doing everything he could not to meet Even’s eyes. 

It was annoying. Even was here for him, the least he could do was not ignore him like he currently did. He had been just fine over Christmas, talkative even, replying to Even’s texts he had sent to find out more about him, stating his top tens of anything Even could think of. Together they had come up with a story of how they had met at the coffee shop Even had worked at until he had gotten himself fired a few weeks ago over a stash of hidden weed. 

But now that they were all set and their relationship had an official anniversary date apparently Isak’s desire to talk to him was gone. It was quiet in the car now that the radio was dead and Even wasn’t going to kill them by fumbling with his aux cord on an icy road. Frustrated by the silence between them, the lack of entertainment, and the annoyingly slow pace they had to go at due to the masses of snow in their way Even groaned and drummed his fingers on the wheel in a fast rhythm.

“How much longer?” he asked, forcing Isak to have a look around and actually open his mouth.

“Not long. We should be there in a bit.” 

When Even realized that that was it, that he wasn’t gonna get more out of him, he couldn’t help it. 

“You regret it, is that it?” he asked, turning his head from the road to where Isak was now looking at him at least. “I can drop you off, say we broke up on the way up here. Wouldn’t even be a lie.” 

After another long moment of silence, Isak reminded him: “There’s nothing to actually break up.” It didn’t help, all it did was make Even more mad at him. 

“I’m aware,” he said. The truth of it made his stomach sink. “Is that what you want? For us to call it off?” 

“No,” Isak was quick to reply this time. Of course he was. Having Even around was apparently still better than Jonas finding out about the hard on Isak had for him. “I just hate this. We’re gonna be up here for almost a week, lying to his face. I’m sorry I’m not enthusiastic about it.” 

He didn’t even need to say a name. It was all about Jonas, Even had figured that much out about Isak by now. His top ten films were the ones he had recently seen with Jonas, his top ten bands were the ones Jonas had made him listen to, his top ten books didn’t exist because Jonas didn’t read. It was a mystery to Even how he hadn’t caught on yet. Jonas had to be either too naive to be good for him or actually blind. 

What wasn’t surprising was that Eva had figured it out. It was easy to tell when people were into your boyfriend, and Isak should have known better than to be this obvious about it.

“Just don’t ignore me,” Even muttered, neatly avoiding an icy patch on the road ahead of them that was hardly enough of a clearing in the forest to call it a road. 

“I don’t.” 

Even raised his eyebrows at him. 

“Mean to,” Isak added. “I hate this. I really, really hate this, that’s all. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m glad you’re doing it.” 

His words didn’t make Even feel much better, but at least they had been said. So he made himself smile and nodded. But Isak wasn’t done. 

“You get how much it sucks. You know how it feels to have Mikael lying to you, so you should get this. I hate being Mikael, okay?”

And Even did get it. “I’m not saying I don’t understand that it sucks. Just saying we decided to come up here so let’s do this together. You’re doing your thing again, pretending I’m a stranger.” 

He kept his eyes on the road but knew what Isak was thinking anyways. That they were nothing but that. At least he didn’t say it out loud this time. Instead, he mumbled: “I’ll try. I’ve never done this before.” 

Even couldn’t help but laugh at that. “You think I have?”

Isak didn’t bother giving him an answer. He simply indicated a left turn that Even would have missed had he been on his own, and they made their way up an even tinier road and came to a halt in front of the cabin a short while after. 

Another car was already parked in front of it and covered in soft snow the wind had blown over the windshield and roof. Some of the lights inside were turned on and there was smoke coming out of a large chimney. Even was glad they had decided to arrive separately. They didn’t have to squeeze into one car together with their luggage and food rations this way, and also he got to yank at Isak’s hood when he was about to step outside, pulling him back. 

He stifled a laugh when Isak fell backwards after his obviously too hard pull and bumped his elbow against the gear shift. 

“The fuck?” Isak complained, but his face softened when Even found his eyes. 

“Trust me,” he ordered, fixing his eyes on Isak so that he had no choice but to stare back at him. “Stop being all jumpy and distant. I’m here with you, we’re friends now. It’ll all be good, just talk to me if it gets weird.”

“It’s already weird,” Isak whispered, his voice evidently failing him, eyes still boring into Even’s. “Everything is.”

Even tried again, this time with an attempt at a wink. “You have a boyfriend now, things are looking up.” He counted the small twitch in Isak’s lips as a victory. His following nod and the small “okay” he let out helped even more. 

Even did understand Isak’s dislike for the situation he was in, but what he couldn’t deal with was the way he was so back and forth about whether he wanted Even to be on his side or not. One minute he was letting him in on his secret and accepting his couch, his offer to play house for the week, the next he complained about not knowing Even enough to trust him. 

Still, he reached for Isak’s gloved hand on the way to the cabin door, holding on to his heavy backpack that he had slung over his shoulder with the other. Isak looked up at him but didn’t say a word. He was quick to let go of him though, in order to knock on the door.

When it swung open, it was Jonas who greeted them. Even watched his face light up in a wide smile at the sight of Isak, the way they both reached for the other at the same time and pulled each other close for a long moment, exchanging late Merry Christmases and pats on their backs. 

He just stood there, studying the way Isak looked almost relieved after they let go of each other, like something in his world was alright now. He hadn’t realized how tense Isak had been all this time, not just on the way up here but also when they had been together in Oslo. Then, Isak’s cheeks had been constantly rosy with either the cold or embarrassment, now it was definitely excitement. It was the first time Even felt like he looked happy, as if he had forgotten for a moment that he had brought his lies up to the cabin with him and had to now introduce them to the one he loved most. 

Isak stared at Jonas like he was the best thing to ever happen to him and all Even could do was force a smile on his face when Jonas finally took him in, immediately leaning to the side to see whether he was the only one Isak had brought. His bushy eyebrows rose up when he realized they were alone and he nodded to himself, as if realizing something. 

“Your girlfriend?” he asked, jerking his chin at Even while biting his lip to keep a knowing smile from spreading there. Good. At least this lie would be easy to clear up then and they wouldn’t have to deal with a mental breakdown about Isak liking dick. 

It pained Even to see Isak’s face fall yet again when he turned towards him, all the joy that had been there for just a second already vanishing. “Yeah. Sorry.” His chin went up again. So damn predictable. 

“Even,” Even introduced himself, if only to get Jonas’ attention and give Isak a second to breathe. There was so much to learn about him, but knowing when he was feeling uncomfortable wasn’t one of those things. It was written all over him the same way his feelings for Jonas were hard to miss. 

And the way it was impossible not to catch that same look of affection on Jonas’ face when Eva appeared behind him, her gaze merely swiping over him and Isak before settling on Even with a mixture of a smile and a frown. 

“You’re with Isak?” she asked, judging the distance between them, smart eyes wandering all over him. 

“Lucky me, yes,” Even announced, ready to pull Isak into his side or reach for his hand yet again. But Isak was busy staring at Eva, his lips pressed together in the attempt to bite his own tongue. She ignored him entirely and instead came up to Even for a welcoming hug and a warm smile that he was glad for, as it eased some of the discomfort he had felt watching Jonas and Isak reunite. He beamed at her when she pulled back. 

The sudden feeling of Isak’s hand in his surprised him, but not as much as the way in which he moved over to Even’s side did, pressing his chest against his upper arm and making him move forwards and into the main room of the cabin. He wasn’t gentle like Even would have been with him, almost a bit too decisive. It was what gave away his nerves yet again, the way he so often made his body perform movements against his will, pushing it into a more confident pose, making it reach out for Even too suddenly to be natural. 

But Even went with it, still smiling, and let Isak shove him into the other room whilst intertwining their fingers. Isak’s hand was sweaty, his upper body a bit too warm against his shoulder. He let go of Even as soon as they had closed the door to the hallway and stood in a circle rather stiffly. Eva and Jonas studied Even with evermore curious eyes while Isak’s gaze darted desperately around the room to find a distraction for them. 

Even was already growing tired of this. He hadn’t planned on Isak being this damn awkward with him. All they were supposed to be was two guys in love. It was easy. What Isak was doing, wasn’t. It felt like a calculated dance around Even, every movement of his a decision rather than a feeling. God, he was bad at this. Unable to stand naturally but leaning from one foot to the other now, eyes fluttering back to Even yet again, scooting a bit closer and back again, trying to find the right distance. 

Even smiled at him, pinning him down with his gaze to make him stop fidgeting. 

“Your room is right over there. Isak knows,” Jonas pointed out a door that let away from the sitting room. “We’re in the one right next to it.” There was only one other door so Even could have known that, but he nodded enthusiastically anyway. 

“Cool. Where’s the bathroom?” 

“Off of the hallway,” Eva said. It was a tiny cabin then if that was it. But Even liked it. Dark furniture, a huge fireplace framed by two sofas and an armchair, a kitchenette just like in his own flat. It would be nice if they could figure out all the unspoken issues that hung in the air between them now. 

Three whole days, until right before New Years, was how long they had to keep this up. How long Isak would have to pretend not to be in love with his best friend, not to hate his girlfriend for cheating, for Eva to pretend not to be blackmailing Isak behind Jonas’ back, for Jonas to keep up his oblivious act, and for Even to smile lovingly at Isak and make everyone believe they were in love. At least he had gotten the easiest part. If Isak stopped tiptoeing around him and let him do his thing that was.

 

 

It took Even quite a bit of walking around his shared room with Isak before his phone finally showed him there was a good enough to signal to make a call. He couldn’t remember the last time Mikael wasn’t among his recent calls and he had to actually open his contacts to find him. He still picked up on only the second ring though. 

“Even!” No hello, just a statement that only turned into clear relief when he added: “Finally.” 

It wasn’t like Mikael had called him either over Christmas. They hadn’t talked ever since their last messed up conversation. 

“You could have called,” Even stated, “given that you were the one drunk dialing me just to be a dick.” There was no edge in his voice though. He was long over it and hearing Mikael’s voice felt like a glass of cold water after a run.

“Oh I’m the dick?” Mikael laughed. Enough time had passed for them to not get into it yet again. Just like it always happened. They never fought, all they did was silently brood until they missed each other enough to simply forget about whatever had upset them. Like their hot lips on each other, like the bruises on Even’s hips from where Mikael first pulled him in and then fought him off, like Mikael pressing his fingertips into the hickeys Sonja had left on Even’s neck just a bit too hard to be pleasant. It all felt less heavy after time passed.

“How much does Oslo suck without me?” Mikael asked, clearly getting the memo that they were good now. They both knew how to play this game. 

“I don’t know, I’m up at a cabin,” Even sighed. It had been his idea, but he was already growing frustrated with the whole thing. Dinner had been filled with awkward silences that even the couple of beers they had had afterwards couldn’t fill. There was nothing to do so they had nursed the booze Even had been ordered to bring. Which was why Even currently felt like the narrow walls were closing in on him, like he couldn’t be here much longer. 

“What cabin?”

“Friends’. They’re a mess. It’s...” he had called Mikael with the intent to rant about how he couldn’t stand Jonas, Eva, and Isak navigating around landmines all evening, how they were so incredibly unsure with each other. How Isak was keeping acres of space between himself and everyone else, clearly beating himself up about everything on the inside, and how he kept shooting Eva dirty glances while she clung to Jonas like there was no tomorrow. How Jonas, who had no clue, was growing increasingly annoyed by how out of sync they all were.

Instead, what came out was something else. “They make me think of you.” 

Mikael gave a little disbelieving laugh, feigning ignorance. “How am I a mess?”

“No. I mean us. They make me think of us. The way I love you but we’re messing everything up.” 

Maybe it was the beers talking, maybe it was the loneliness Even had felt the second Isak and Jonas had fallen into each others arms. All he knew was that he couldn’t let him and Mikael become all awkward stuttering and silences the way Isak and Eva had managed it. 

“I just want us to talk again, okay? Tell me about skiing or whatever you’re up to,” Even added. He didn’t need a heartfelt conversation about what the fuck was going on between them. He needed Mikael, he needed his friend back in his life that had felt empty without him during the last few days.

Mikael cleared his throat on the other side of the line. “Yeah. Okay.” He sounded a bit breathless. But he didn’t tell him about his yearly skiing trip with his parents. Instead he asked: “Whose cabin are you at?” 

“You don’t know them.” He dropped his voice. “I’m pretending to date one of them. Isak. His best friend thinks it’s me he’s in love with when really it’s him.”

There was silence. It had been a while since Even had talked to Mikael about seeing other guys. Mostly because it really had been a while since Even had hooked up with anyone that wasn’t him or Sonja. But also because he knew that Mikael never knew what to say. That it probably made him mad or jealous or both to know that Even was out there doing whatever he wanted while he couldn’t bring himself to admit to whatever was going on with that guy at the bar.

“Sounds like a shitty strategy to me,” Mikael finally said, sounding somewhat deflated. 

“It’s only shitty when you think about it too hard. I just wish they’d figure out their stuff amongst each other. It’s weird being here.” 

“Why’d you go?”

Even didn’t know. There were a lot of things he had done without really knowing why. Most of the time it came down to not having enough reasons to say no. So he said just that and added: “Isak’s cute. Interesting. I want him to spend time with me. And there’s a hot tub on the porch.” 

So many opportunities for Mikael to chime in and tell him about who he was seeing. To say something about how he would definitely make use of that tub, about how there was someone else who was interesting. But he didn’t take Even’s invitation to talk. Instead he went the other way entirely, falling into some story about his day on the slopes. 

Even listened until Mikael sounded like his usual self again, all upbeat and teasing. It was easy to fall for, to pretend there was not as much unspoken between them as there was between Isak and Jonas. All Even wanted was to hear him talk like this all day, every day.


	8. Chapter 8

By the time Isak joined him in their bedroom, Even had hung up on Mikael to let him spend the evening with his parents and was sitting crosslegged on the floor behind the bed, trying to read a not half bad romance novel he had found in the sitting room earlier, but he kept getting distracted. He had turned over half his backpack and emptied it on the floor, trying to find something to busy himself with but he wasn’t in the mood for anything really.

“They’re going to bed now,” Isak said, lingering near the doorway as if to say Even could come out now. So he knew that their evening had been less than perfect. At least he didn’t expect Even to pretend that this was normal. 

“Good.” Even let his book slide to the floor. “Sorry I left you alone out there.” 

“Sorry everything is so uncomfortable.” Isak pushed his hair back from his face. “This is exactly why I moved out of Jonas’ place. I can’t be around him, much less Eva. I don’t know what to say.”

“You feel guilty,” Even corrected and watched Isak give a short nod.

“That too. But rightfully so.” 

“Jonas doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to throw a fit if he finds out about you. You’re into him, so what?” He stretched out his arms, yawning. Sitting around like this without anything productive to do made him tired but not exhausted enough to go to sleep.

Isak watched him until he was done and had let his arms slump down into his lap before he came over and sat down beside him. 

“He’d want nothing to do with it, that’s what. Nothing to do with me.” 

“You don’t know that,” Even pointed out while Isak picked up the book that was lying in front of him and gave it a disapproving scrunch of his nose. 

“I do though. Just because you can make out with your best friends without them batting an eye doesn’t mean other people are into it.” He pulled his legs up to his chest, resting his chin on top of his knees yet again. He looked tiny this way, vulnerable. The exact opposite of the impression he usually tried to make. Even still liked him best when he let his guard down. It immediately made him want to touch him, comfort him.

Remembering the way Isak had shied every from his touch all day though, he tried something else and moved into the same position, pulling his knees up to his chest and resting his cheek on them, eyeing Isak from the side. “Friend. No plural,” he corrected. 

Isak shrugged. “Same thing.” Then he turned his head the way Even had done, to the side so that they were looking at each other like they were lying in bed, next to each other after a long day of work. Just facing the other, both of them tired of the same things. 

“Even.” Isak’s voice was soft again, like it had been the last time he had directly said his name, and it didn’t hit Even any less this time. “Thank you for being here. I’ll try and make it more fun tomorrow.” 

It was so simple. No anger at how Even had left him behind in the living room, at how he was clearly annoyed with the situation. 

“It’s okay,” was all Even could say. Somehow, Isak being all soft with him floored him to the point where his brain did a full stop and for a heartbeat he managed to feel nothing but appreciation for him. 

“I’ve never done this before,” Isak repeated his words from earlier in the car, as if he was hoping they would mean something else this time, something Even had missed earlier. Apparently he had, because this time he added: “I’ve never been anyone’s boyfriend. I don’t know what to do with this.”

It wasn’t like Even couldn’t tell. For a second he was about to say just that but he bit his tongue. Isak probably knew how much he sucked at this just as much as Even did. He struggled to find anything else to say though, dead set on not insulting Isak without meaning to. It took him a while. 

“Kiss me,” was what he eventually came up with. “Might as well get comfortable with each other.”

It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it. More than that, he anticipated it. If they were supposed to be boyfriends, it was going to happen sooner or later. Might as well dive all in and find out right now what kissing Isak was like. He had those thin lips, something grave set in his jaw that had Even suddenly itching to find out. He wanted more than the glimpses he had gotten of Isak being comfortable and relaxed around him. With a sudden ferocity he wanted to know whether he could make him lose his mind. 

To Isak’s credit, he didn’t flinch or move away from him. He stayed where he was; didn’t even lower his eyes to hide whatever it was that was going on inside of him at Even’s request. As easy as Isak was to read, he was just as good at keeping Even wondering when he was the most curious. There was something contemplative in his eyes that had Even hoping, as unlikely as it was, that he would nod his head yes. But there was also something sad right there, something that killed the desperate need rushing through Even and made him want to apologize for being too damn forward yet again. 

Then he shook his head. Just once, the movement barely there, but it was still a no and it still left Even feeling deflated, all the possibilities that had him feeling jittery for a moment gone in a heartbeat.

“Has no one kissed you before?” It almost felt unreal to imagine it. Even couldn’t remember the names of half the people whose lips had touched his and the thought of Isak not having a single name to remember felt wrong. An impossibility. But then again, Isak wasn’t him. Drunken kisses and fumbling hands wouldn’t satisfy him, he was more than that. Probably able to say ‘no’ without feeling the anxiety of not making the most of his life creep up on him.

He shook his head no yet again, still not avoiding Even’s eyes. It was intriguing, the way he didn’t blush with shameful embarrassment. 

“Never wanted anyone to,” Isak said, his voice still quiet, like it was meant for Even alone and no one else. It probably was, but it wasn’t a concept Even was used to, he hadn’t been trusted with a lot of secrets in his life. He dropped his eyes to Isak’s lips, to his barely pronounced cupids bow.

“It’s just kissing,” Isak shrugged at that. “We could, I wouldn’t mind.” 

It wasn’t enough of a yes to make Even move. The indifference in his voice stung, but Even wasn’t about to admit that. So he smiled yet again, studying the way Isak was playing with the sleeves of his sweater. Okay, not that indifferent then.

Even watched him twist and pull at the grey fabric with his fingertips for long enough that Isak realized his gaze had wandered and he pulled his sweater over his hands as far as it would go. After another second of silence between them that had Even wondering whether it was too late to go outside and get some fresh air in order to be able to fall asleep, he lifted his hand to Even’s face. 

His fingers were cold against Even’s skin, cupping his cheek in a simple but somehow intimate gesture. He didn’t move otherwise, it wasn’t an invitation and Even knew better than to push him. Instead, he stayed entirely still, almost scared for Isak to pull away again, and it wasn’t an effort for once. There was a hint of a smile on Isak’s face that made Even feel better about how today had gone. 

At least Isak wasn’t disappointed in him or anything. He was here with him, reaching out for him, unlike this morning where he had been more icy than the shitty road that had promised them complete and utter solitude for the next few days. He was here, meeting Even’s eyes that probably showed every bit of his excitement over this change of action, giving away how thrilled he was to feel Isak’s tentative touch. 

Isak’s smile gave way to a small laugh and he dropped his hand, not without letting his fingers run over Even’s lips for the briefest of seconds. It was almost nothing but it pleased Even regardless, easing some of the tension in him, and he let out a small whine of protest at the loss of touch.

“You’re so easy,” Isak softly laughed. 

Even scoffed. “I’m your boyfriend, I’m naturally melting at your touch.”

Isak actually lifted his sweater paws to his face to hide his smile. Why was this apparently so much easier for him when no one else was around? 

“Seriously, Isak. You’re telling me you’ve never wanted to kiss anyone?” The question was out before he could think about it too much. But apparently Isak had had enough of the awkward lack of conversation that had bored all of them tonight as well. His smile vanished, but he still gave him an answer.

“No one.” 

“What about Jonas? Isn’t that why I’m here right now?”

“You’re here because you would have been bored in Oslo, you said that yourself.” 

Even groaned. Isak wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t the only reason. “I’m here because being your boyfriend is obviously the most worthwhile thing I could be doing with my time.” It was an exaggeration but not a lie. Isak didn’t get it. He scoffed, laughing his truth off like it wasn’t something Even was capable of sharing. 

“I don’t know,” Isak then said, growing quiet again. “He’s definitely the most kissable. But I’m not crazy about it.”

Even wasn’t sure what to do with that. He had been pretty sure that what Isak felt for Jonas, what made him fake a boyfriend, lie about Eva’s cheating, and move out of the only place he currently had to live in, was more than a bit of a crush. Hell, he had said that much to Isak and it hadn’t been denied. He clearly remembered Isak not disagreeing with him when he had talked about him being in love with Jonas. It didn’t make sense to him and he could tell that Isak was growing uncomfortable with the way he must’ve looked puzzled. 

“As your boyfriend I’m not the most kissable?” he joked half heartedly, merely to distract Isak from whatever thoughts were catching up with him that threatened to make him shut down again. He wanted this, wanted Isak to keep talking. So he stored away Isak’s thoughts on kissing for later and instead nudged his shoulder playfully. 

Isak made a little humming sound. “I don’t know, your lips have probably been places. Done some things I don’t even wanna think about.” 

“Come on, I’m in a relationship. Somewhat. My lips have been pretty monogamous lately.”

Isak raised his eyebrows at his admittedly weak argument. He was back to grinning widely though so Even was happy. 

“You said you broke up with her. And I’ve already seen you kiss two people, monogamous means one pair of lips, Ev.”

Some sinking sensation made Even’s stomach drop at the nickname. And the accompanying smile, the teasing in his voice. This was so much better than the stiff stumbling around him, all sweaty palms and fearful gazes. He was lost for words for a second too long, so Isak continued: “Hell, you’ve just offered to make out with me. What do you think monogamy means?”

“I said we’re taking a break,” Even corrected even though it was useless. He didn’t know what to think about his back and forth with Sonja anymore either. It was what it was. “And Mikael is different, you know that.” 

“Three pairs of lips,” Isak reminded him, leaning his head back against the foot of the bed. 

Even shrugged. “Three more than you’ve had.” 

“Oh, I’m not jealous.”

When Even looked over at him, Isak had his eyes closed, his mouth still stretched into a wide smile. He didn’t think it was a lie, Isak really didn’t seem to be upset about his lack of experience. 

“Are you alright sharing the bed with me or are you gonna be scared of my whoring mouth?” 

It had been a joke. A self deprecating one for sure, a politically incorrect one, but still a joke. Isak’s upper body snapped forwards abruptly, his eyes wide open. “Shit. You know I didn’t mean that, right? You can kiss whoever you wanna kiss.” 

Even, startled by his reaction, couldn’t help but sit up as well, leaning towards Isak. “You didn’t say anything,” he rushed to say. “It was a joke, I’m not offended.” 

Isak regarded him with a long look. “I don’t get how people are obsessed with sex but I’m not judging, okay? I don’t understand; doesn’t mean it’s wrong or anything.” 

There it was again, this categorical objection of anything physical that Even couldn’t quite comprehend. But also his clear eyes, the way he apparently didn’t see anything wrong with Even. His easy acceptance. 

“I just said that because you kept thinking I was gonna make a move on you. Back in Oslo. I want you to be comfortable, is all,” Even mumbled, the way he knew he did when he wanted to get something out of the way. Pretending not to be flustered by how perfect Isak was being right now. Definitely the most kissable. 

Isak pushed himself up onto his knees, eyeing the bed they had disregarded entirely up until now. It was made for two people, but it was still on the small side. 

“It’ll be fine,” he said, and that was it. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. What would you do, anyway? Sleep on the couch? That’s not suspicious at all.” Isak pulled his backpack towards him but stayed on his knees, apparently too lazy to get up. He pulled out a pair of sweatpants and some sweater that looked way too warm to sleep in.

Even hadn’t even brought pyjamas. He hadn’t thought of it, being too used to sleeping in his underwear. It was a bit cold, but there was a heating system after all, in addition to the small fireplace in the living room.

“If you really wanted me to, I’d sleep on the floor.” Even stated, and he meant it. He’d definitely be hurt by how little Isak trusted him but he’d be alright with it. 

Isak finally got up, his bundle of sleeping clothes and some toiletries in his arms. “You don’t have to. I’m sorry I was all weird today, okay? It’s a lot. And I still hate doing this to Jonas.”

They had had this conversation before so Even simply nodded. Then he watched Isak leave their room to change. By the time time he got back, his hair wet and even more curly than usual from the shower, Even was almost too sleepy to get up again but he managed to go brush his teeth. When he came back, Isak was already underneath the covers, the blanket drawn all the way up to his chin, having left the far side of the bed to him. 

Even stripped off his layers of sweaters and his jeans, turned off the light and climbed into bed. There were two blankets so sharing really wouldn’t be a problem. It was tempting though, to reach out to Isak, see if he wanted to cuddle up against him. There weren’t many things that Even loved more than sleeping wrapped up in someone else. But Isak’s words from earlier came back to him, all the talk about not wanting to kiss anyone, about not getting everyone’s obsession with sex. There were definitely lines there that Even would have to figure out, and so he hugged his own blanket instead, whispering good night from way too far away.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everything!!! 
> 
> I have almost finished writing this story (most likely there will be about 25 chapters) so updates will pick up soon:) 
> 
> I am incredibly anxious about representing their sexualities in a good way since I have never written about demisexuality before, so I appreciate all feedback and validation. Really, your comments make my day and I am so thankful xxx

It didn’t surprise Even that Isak was still asleep next to him when he woke up. He had always been bad at sleeping in, regardless of how tired he might be. What was unusual was that he had actually slept through the night again, just like he had the last time Isak had been with him on the couch. 

He could hear that someone was already up, opening and closing the door from the hallway to the living room, and so he disentangled himself from his blanket. Isak gave a heavy sigh in his sleep when he got up, but otherwise didn’t stir. 

His own bag was still emptied out on the floor behind the bed, clothes spilling out of it, but Even reached for the grey sweater Isak had worn yesterday and thrown carelessly on top of his own luggage. If they were going to pretend they were dating they might as well do it properly. So he pulled the hoodie over his head, immediately breathing in deep when Isak’s scent hit him, something boyish and soft. It was what he imagined hugging Isak would feel like, and he made a mental note to find out later. 

But for now he let him sleep, put on some sweatpants, and made his way into the common room. It was Jonas whom he must have heard, since he was standing in front of the fridge, taking out some fruit and eggs. 

“Morning,” Even said, not bothering to tone down his cheerfulness. He was supposed to be crazy in love, so after a night shared with Isak, he was allowed to be happy. Only he wasn’t acting. He really was feeling chipper, Isak’s quiet laugh from last night and the way his light snoring had soothed Even to sleep still fresh on his mind. 

Jonas gave him a sleepy grin. “Morning.”

His dark hair was already wet from a shower he must’ve taken, and Even could hear the water running in the bathroom. So Eva was up too. They must’ve slept longer than Even was used to after all. 

“I can make breakfast,” Even offered, glad for something to do. He eyed the food Jonas had taken out and grabbed a large pan from underneath the oven. 

“Thanks,” Jonas yawned and sank onto one of the couches that faced the kitchenette Even now occupied. “Sleep well?” 

“Very,” Even smiled, making it slightly suggestive. With the way Isak sucked at acting he would have to try twice as hard.

“Gotten used to his snoring yet?” 

It was such a small remark but it managed to wipe the smile off of Even’s face. He had spent two nights next to Isak while Jonas had gotten the last three weeks and countless times before that with him. It shouldn’t matter, but Even could feel the jealousy creep up on him even though it wasn’t the least bit justified. It wasn’t like he was dating Isak for real. It wasn’t like he hadn’t known that Jonas and Isak were close. But it still bothered him the same way their reunion yesterday had bothered him. 

It was too soon for him to already get obsessed and too deep into this, but the feeling was there no matter what. 

Jonas laughed at the way his face fell, probably taking it as a sign that Even was seriously annoyed by the quiet noises Isak made when he slept. It wasn’t even real snoring, more like deep breathing. So, to clear things up, Even shook his head. 

“He’s perfect. Never slept better in my life.” And it wasn’t even that much of a lie. Sleeping next to Sonja had usually entailed him waking up several times at night and failing to go back to sleep, pulling her in close and waking her up too in the process. It hadn’t been awful, but it also hadn’t been great. 

Jonas hummed at his reply, clearly happy with his response. As if he had passed some sort of test. “How long have you two known each other again?” 

“Three weeks,” Even prompted, the exact way Isak had told him to do. “What about you?”

“Elementary school,” Jonas replied just when Even remembered that he knew this. Isak had told him about meeting Jonas when they were kids. “Isak’s a brother to me.” 

Even shouldn’t have felt satisfied with it, should have been bothered by how tragically unrequited Isak’s weirdly platonic crush on Jonas was, but he did. Again he told himself to keep his possessive streak in check, but the word ‘brother’ still felt good hanging in the air so Even left it there, busying himself with breakfast. 

Until Jonas kept talking that was. “Is Isak alright though? Yesterday was a bit… slow?”

This was better. Him asking Even for advice on Isak. Like Even knew him, like they had something that Jonas wasn’t a part of. 

“He’s overwhelmed,” Even contemplated, trying to find an answer that wasn’t a lie. “It’s all new to him.” 

“Okay,” Jonas said languidly. “It’s new to me too though. Isak’s never even talked of being into anyone and now he’s bringing his boyfriend. Tell him to chill.” 

“He’s chill,” Even smiled, “just nervous.” Which was contradictory but whatever. 

“He should come smoke with us in a bit. Eva and I were gonna go out after breakfast. You wanna come?” 

It was tempting. Having a smoke, making this day more relaxed than yesterday had been. But he also knew what being high did to him, remembered how the first time he and Mikael had made out they had been smoking and Even had almost come in his pants. He didn’t need to be a horny mess around Isak unless they had talked about it before. 

“Maybe. I don’t know, you think Isak is gonna be up for it?” He didn’t like having to ask Jonas this, admitting that he and Isak were still getting to know each other. But he needed to know before he made a decision. 

“Nah,” Jonas shook his head. “He tried once and hated it, still talks about how it messed him up. It really did, too, he completely disappeared on me for like a week afterwards to figure stuff out in his head.” 

“What happened? Were you with him?” Even had to force himself to continue concentrating on the eggs that were getting rather dark. 

“I was but I can’t remember. We were also drinking which was not a good choice to make. Some russ party last year, Eva got us in through a friend. Eskild? You know him?” 

Even nodded as if it was no big deal. Of course he knew all of Isak’s friends by now. Even the ones he was still wondering about, the ones Isak definitely shared something with that he hadn’t told Even yet. And now there was more he had to wonder about. Did Isak remember that night? 

The door from the hallway opened with a thud and Eva smiled brightly at them, her long hair a wet and tangled mess down to her waist, a towel wrapped around her body. She sure was pretty. And the way she smiled at Even had him appreciate her easy way of welcoming him yet again. 

“Morning,” Even waved at her with the cutlery he was holding. 

He received another smile before she vanished into her shared room with Jonas, presumably to get dressed. 

“She’s nice,” Even remarked, making Jonas look at him. “You’ve been together for what, two years?” 

“Almost, yes.” There was a proud smile on Jonas’ face that suddenly made Even feel some of the confusion Isak had talked about. It was difficult, knowing what they knew about Eva and keeping quiet about it. And Even wasn’t even involved, wasn’t even friends with either of them. 

He turned back around to focus on the food, taking it out of the pan and onto a large plate. Just when he was done, he could hear another door open. He expected Eva to reemerge from her room but instead there was Isak, looking a bit grumpy and hugging himself for warmth. 

“Have you seen my...” he broke off when he spotted Even, wearing his sweater, a conflicted look on his face. “Of course,” he said, more to himself than to anyone else. 

Even gave him an overly lovesick smile. “What, you want another sweater with that? Aren’t you already boiling?” He pointed at the fleece hoodie Isak had worn to bed and that was still hanging off of him, just a bit too big. “Want me to take this off?” he offered when Isak gave him a pout. 

“Keep it,” Isak shrugged with a sideway glance towards Jonas. Then he walked up behind Even and wrapped his arms around him a bit too tightly to not be something he was consciously thinking about. But at least he was trying today. And it still felt good, having his body press closely against his back, his hands resting on his chest. 

“Is breakfast done?” he mumbled into Even’s shoulder and Even nodded. 

“Yeah. We should wait for Eva though.” 

Anything to keep Isak where he was. 

So they waited until Eva joined them and then settled down on the couches with plates on their laps, too lazy to set the table. Isak sat down closer to Even this time, their knees almost touching. It made Even feel at ease, knowing today wasn’t gonna be some deja vu of yesterday. This way, he could almost live with how Jonas kept trying to make conversation that Eva and Isak both joined but never directed at each other. 

Reluctantly, Even had to admit after breakfast that Jonas was alright. It turned out they both listened to rap, had even been to some of the same events before, and Even really should have already known from all the lists Isak had made for him, but hearing Jonas talk about it enthusiastically did make a difference. It made Even like him against his will. 

“So, you coming?” Jonas eventually asked, looking visibly happier now that they had finally had a decent conversation. 

“Coming where?” The question was directed at Jonas but Isak looked at Even while he asked it. Like he was wondering why Even knew what was going on when he didn’t. 

“Do you wanna go smoke?” Even asked, trying to keep his voice neutral. He’d go with whatever Isak decided he wanted to do. 

Apparently it wasn’t even a debate that had to be settled. Isak simply shook his head no and busied himself with taking Even’s plate from him and stacking it on top of his own on the table in front of them. 

“You can go if you want to, I’ll do the dishes,” he offered, but Even made a sound of protest at that. 

He reached out to rest his hand on Isak’s shoulder, rubbing at his too tight muscles there, as he said: “I’ll stay with you. It’s no fun if you’re not in.” 

“Sorry, but I gotta disagree,” Jonas joked, pulling out a small bag from the pocket of his hoodie.

“I’m in,” Eva agreed. “If you let me share with you that is, I don’t want that much.” 

Jonas shrugged his shoulders and leaned over to place a quick kiss on her lips. “Alright,” he smiled at her, and they were quick to put on their thick winter coats and leave for the front porch that circled once around the cabin. Even waved at them from the couch when they settled against the barricade, Eva sitting on top of it while Jonas stood in front of her, his back to Even and Isak who were now surrounded by silence. 

“You don’t smoke?” Even asked, trying to make it sound casual when really he knew there was a longer story there. 

Isak shook his head no again. “Tried it once and never again.” He leaned back against the couch, eyeing Jonas and Eva who were fumbling with the bag Jonas had brought. “She doesn’t buy it.” 

For a moment, Even thought that Isak was referring to the weed. Then it made sense when he followed Isak’s worried gaze. “You mean Eva doesn’t believe us?” 

Isak nodded. “She knows we’re faking it,” he repeated, giving a frustrated sigh. 

“How do you know? I didn’t notice anything. And she seems to be just fine?” Even pointed at Eva laughing on the front porch at the way Jonas failed to make his lighter snap with his gloves on. 

“That’s ‘cause you were busy fangirling about NAS. She kept staring at us.”

“You’re being paranoid, baby,” Even sighed, using the nickname deliberately to make Isak feel how convincing they were. 

“Am not,” Isak shook his head, ignoring the endearment completely. 

“Did you smoke before everyone else got up?” Even joked, trying to make him laugh like he had last night, but Isak cringed at that. 

“Trust me, you’d know.” 

“How so?”

Isak turned towards him a bit more, making their knees actually touch now. “Last time I smoked it made me way too confident. Like nothing could ever go wrong.” 

Behind Isak’s head, Even could see Eva watch them. So he lifted his hand to Isak’s hair, pushing it out of his face again and again, caressing his forehead and scalp.

“She’s watching,” he murmured as Isak frowned in confusion, “but tell me more.” His hair was soft, just the slightest bit tussled from sleep, and curled around Even’s fingers easily. 

Isak stared at him for a long moment, then he let out a breath and said: “I kind of kissed Jonas when I was high.” 

Even dropped his hand at that. It took him a second to catch on. “You said you never kissed anyone,” he reminded him, fighting that annoyingly fierce sense of something being wrong. Like Isak had just told him the sky wasn’t blue anymore. He stupidly waited for him to take it back, but Isak only made a face. 

“It doesn’t count. He doesn’t remember it, I hardly do, and it wasn’t a real kiss.” Isak took Even’s hand in his and placed it back onto his face, lower this time, so that his fingers cradled his cheekbone. A minute ago Even would have basked in the knowledge of Isak wanting his touch, that he was actively seeking it out, but now he was too distracted to really notice it. 

“How did it happen?” 

“Stop looking so upset,” Isak ordered instead of giving him an answer. “Is Eva still watching?” 

Even checked, then nodded, still hung up on what Isak had just admitted. “How?” he repeated his question. 

“I don’t know,” Isak obviously lied. He had to realize that Even wasn’t buying it, because after a moment he added, talking too fast: “We were at some party, smoking in the bathroom, and I told him I loved him. That he was the only one that had ever made me feel these things, got all sappy about it, and then kissed him. He kind of brushed it off, I don’t think he even realized what I was trying to do. That’s the great ‘first and only kiss’ story, okay?” 

Even opened his mouth to blurt out something incredibly stupid but Isak placed his fingers on his lips. He was only being this affectionate because he knew Eva’s eyes were on him, but Even still loved the feeling of his warm skin on his lips. 

“Just don’t say anything, okay? I don’t wanna talk about it, it sucks enough to be reminded of it every time Jonas gets high with her.” He kind of indicated that he meant Eva by shifting his head a bit. “Apparently making out with her is no problem, weed or no weed,” Isak stated, letting his pain about it show so openly that Even could only nod at his request. 

When Isak dropped his hand from his face hesitantly, Even made himself swallow the words that lay on the tip of his tongue. Questions about how Isak knew for sure that Jonas didn’t remember, whether he had liked it after all, why he had never tried again. As much as he wanted to know, he was kind of glad to not be allowed to ask about it. 

He considered telling Isak about his own first kiss, the whole story of how he had played Romeo and she had played Juliet at their school play, but Isak spoke first. 

“Even,” he asked, his voice suddenly unsure again, as if sharing this huge bit of his past had used up all his confidence. “Can I kiss you now?”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU! Here's the next chapter early because I love you all!

Even could feel himself nod before Isak’s words really got through to him. He dropped his hand to Isak’s waist, pulling him in a bit, as if his body had been ready long before this. Isak shuffled on the couch, scooting closer to him, a blush coloring his cheeks. When he lifted his hips off the cushions just slightly to get closer, Even automatically pulled at them with a bit more force, needing him to already close the space between them. 

Isak paused for a second, then he surprised them both by climbing into Even’s lap, straddling his thighs. Even had a hard time remembering that this was for Eva alone, for her to believe in their act. He was too distracted by the heavy feeling of Isak’s weight on top of him, pinning him down to the couch. He looked so thin, almost breakable sometimes, but his body was all solid and reassuring now that it covered his own. 

The nervous look on his face didn’t match the confident nature of his position and Even reached up to touch him, wishing he could just wipe the nerves right off of it. 

“I’m sure she’ll believe us just fine,” he breathed, not really trusting his voice. But he had to make sure Isak knew he didn’t have to do this, that Jonas not finding out wasn’t more important than his own personal comfort zone. 

“You don’t want to?” Isak jerked his chin up, so stupidly attractive in his search for confidence that it made Even swallow hard. 

“Not if you don’t.” 

Isak shrugged at that. “It’s just a kiss.” He had said something like that last night as well, sounding so indifferent when really Even could see how his thoughts were racing. This was something Isak had to tell himself, like a pep talk.

Then he leaned in, too determined, making their mouths crash together too hard. Even let out a sharp breath at the feel of Isak’s teeth clanking against his that had him both laugh and shiver with excitement, and his hands immediately went up to his hair, pulling him back at it. 

“Slow down,” he smiled against Isak’s lips when there was space for it. Isak hummed in response and leaned in again, apparently determined to get it right. And he did. This time, Even’s lower lip slipped between his and he sucked on it lightly, making Even’s head spin.

He got with the program then, burying his hands in Isak’s hair and kissing him back, deep and wet, and Isak let out a surprised sound against his lips. He didn’t pull away though, and simply let Even take control, trying to keep up when he made the tip of his tongue meet Isak’s, touching it only briefly before pulling away again, teasing him, his heart jumping at how Isak was playing along. 

Even’s fingers were itching to move down Isak’s back, to explore his strong body that he kept underestimating so easily. But he kept them buried in Isak’s hair and only let his fingers move over the sensitive skin of his neck. Isak shuddered against him at the touch and the movement made Even buck up his hips, unashamed of how he needed Isak closer. 

Isak’s weight on his legs felt so good, almost as good as his lips exploring his, a bit more confident now. But Isak’s hips didn’t move with him, as if he didn’t even take the hint. He simply steadied himself with one hand on Even’s shoulder as if he was scared Even was going to throw him off his thighs. 

Isak had complained about being cold earlier, but his body felt warm to the touch now, covering Even’s completely, making him want to touch and lick and rub up against him. He knew he was tenting his sweatpants, that Isak would be able to feel him hardening against him if he moved up just a little bit, from his thighs to where Even wanted him to press down on him hard. 

But Isak stayed still, his lips the only part of him that showed any kind of interest. It made Even groan with frustration and he bit Isak’s lower lip, trying to get a reaction out of him. Instead, Isak pulled back, his eyes wide but otherwise looking a lot more collected than Even felt. 

Fuck. Even had noticed that Isak was nice to look at the second he had first seen him, and thought about it some more when he had started to loosen up around him, but he had never looked as attractive to him before. Now, at the sight of him sitting on Even’s thighs like he didn’t even know what that was doing to him, looking down at him, licking his lips with a curious expression on his face, Even’s dick jumped in his pants. 

“Huh,” Isak made, taking in Even’s face before pushing his hand into his hair, pulling it back and into the quiff Even usually wore when he took the time to style it. Not now, during breakfast, when he hadn’t even had a shower yet. How dare Isak look this hot while also being so entirely composed? While Even was having a hard time not to push up against him again and pull Isak in closer by his ass.

“Eva better have seen,” Isak stated, his voice only shaking slightly. Just a kiss. Apparently he had meant that. Well, it wasn’t that for Even. He was still staring up at Isak like he had just rocked his world so hard he had lost a few brain cells. Which was kind of true. 

He still managed to feel the full impact of Isak’s words though. The reminder of what this had been. Not Isak showing an actual interest in him, but him putting on a show. A decidedly better one than yesterday’s.

“Are you okay?” Isak asked, frowning at him, and Even would have considered it teasing about how affected he was, had Isak not been entirely serious. Like he didn’t feel this at all.

“You’re really in love with Jonas, huh?” Even cleared his throat. It was the only way he could explain Isak’s indifference. Either that or he was actually ace. Which kind of made sense after everything he had said so far. 

Isak dug his fingers into his shoulder just a bit, feeling the muscles there, and it didn’t help Even to calm down. “It didn’t feel like that when I kissed him either.” Isak gave Even a once over, making it clear what he meant. “I told you, it’s not like that for me.” 

It almost sounded like pity, like Isak had to somehow comfort him, and Even hated that thought. So he changed the subject instead, making it clear to Isak that this was nothing but a game to him either. 

“Has she seen or do we need to take our clothes off?” he asked, making his tone light and cheerful. Everything he did not feel. 

Isak glanced to the side again. “I don’t know, they’re gone. Probably fucking in the wood shed.”

It was weird hearing Isak talk like that, but is also made his dick grow harder and Even groaned. He was glad now that Isak had never moved up to properly feel his erection against him. 

Isak let out a little laugh and looked down at Even’s lap. 

“So easy,” he mumbled, smirking at him. 

“Fuck you,” Even complained without heat, not making an effort to hide his hardness straining against his thigh. It wasn’t anything Isak hadn’t seen before anyway. 

Their eyes met and there was uncertainty there, but also something familiar, like they had closed some distance between them, and Even suddenly felt closer to him than he should, considering how new this all was. Isak gave him a look that said the same though as he stroked his hair out of his face again. 

This was so much better than yesterday. He wanted Isak’s hands on him, wanted Isak to crave his touch too. Even if it wasn’t their hips rubbing together in a dirty grind. Even would be happy to just feel Isak’s fingers run through his hair like this, to be able to hold his hand again. He liked having his attention.

It was when Even considered leaning in again, kissing him, daring him to do this when they weren’t being watched, when he could hear the front door open and Isak immediately climbed off of him, stumbling a bit with how his legs were a bit weak. That at least gave Even some kind of satisfaction. He smiled to himself as Jonas and Eva came back inside, bringing a wave of cold air and a telltale smell in with them. 

Even was suddenly glad he hadn’t gone with them. It would be hard enough to calm down from this without the weed in his system fucking with his senses and putting everything in overdrive. 

“Don’t let us bother you,” Jonas laughed, clearly referring to what he and Eva had seen through the window. Even could tell Isak was blushing beside him and so he put on a smile that held enough confidence for the two of them. 

“So, what do you usually do around here?” he asked, leaning back against the cushions of the sofa as Eva and Jonas shed their various layers of outdoor clothing. To his surprise, Isak moved to curl up against his side, pushing his hands only just underneath his sweater that Even was still wearing to keep them warm. It was weirdly endearing after how close they had just been. 

“We eat,” Eva shrugged. “Play games, go outside, watch films...”

“We’re not watching a film,” Isak decided. “Even’s into all this artsy stuff it’s too early for. That or Julia Roberts.” 

Even opened his mouth to complain at the same time as Eva continued with “we use the hot tub.” He bit his own tongue. That hot tub sounded a lot better than watching films with stoned people that didn’t appreciate art. 

“Alright. Last one in is in charge of dinner.” 

It was slightly unfair, as Jonas was still sat on the sofa, grinning like an idiot when the rest of them had already made their way towards their respective bedrooms to change. His eyes were wide and filled with glee, and as it had been expected, he was the only one not there yet when Even sank into the hot water. 

It was freezing outside, the cold air bit at his face, but the hot water engulfing his body felt good enough for Even to let out a sigh of happiness. It had taken a while for the pool to fill with the steaming hot water, in which he had put on his bathing shorts in their room. Isak had taken his to the bathroom, being weirdly uptight yet again, and now stood at the side of the pool, still wearing two sweaters along with his shorts. 

Eva had been the first one in and smiled at Even when he took a spot in the corner next to hers, facing the cabin and Isak, where he stood on the porch, his arms wrapped around himself. 

“It’s freezing,” Isak whined, but reluctantly took off one of his sweaters. 

“Then come in,” Even ordered. “It’s hot in here.” He could see Jonas approaching through the living room window, walking slowly and kind of swaying back and forth. “If you wait any longer you’ll have to fix dinner.” Even jerked his head to the front door that was now opening and revealed Jonas who was already down to his shorts. 

Isak groaned but he pulled his second sweater over his head and draped it on top of Even’s towel next to the pool. He didn’t waste much time getting in after that but climbed over the edge with shivering limbs. Even still noticed his defined abs, his freckled shoulders and flat stomach and the way his belly button was the cutest thing he had ever seen. He almost pouted at the fact that he had missed his chance to check out his thighs on which his bathing shorts were riding up high. 

It wasn’t an act for Eva when he reached out and pulled Isak towards him, making him lean against his front as Even rested his back against the backside of the pool. He could feel Isak stiffening in his arms though, and so he let go of him and let him choose. This was his plan, his friends, his call. Isak shifted so that he ended up next to Even instead of right in front of him, but he stayed close enough for their arms to touch. 

Eva had just given them an appreciative smile that had Even wondering yet again what exactly Isak was panicking over, when Jonas finally arrived at the edge of the pool. He dipped his fingers into the hot water and stared at it, completely mesmerized. 

“Come in, you’ll catch a cold,” Eva urged him, laughing. Even wanted to like her. He didn’t care about the cheating, about the blackmail, about whatever the hell was going on between Isak, Jonas, and Eva. It had nothing to do with him and he probably didn’t even know half of it. So he smiled first at Eva and then at Jonas who took his time to carefully climb into the pool. 

When he was in, he just stood there, the water splashing around his thighs, painting the lower half of his bathing shorts in darker green than the upper part. He stared at Eva, blissfully, until she finally got up and walked over to him, trying to persuade him to sink into the hot water with them instead of freezing to death. 

While she did, Even grew increasingly aware of how naked Jonas was, basically standing right in front of Isak, and it made him put his arm around his now-boyfriend, not minding the cold that immediately gave him goosebumps as he lifted his arm out of the water. 

But Isak merely smiled at Jonas, something between pity and amusement. No wandering eyes, no longing glances or blushing cheeks. Either Isak had seen Jonas like this too many times to be affected by his nakedness, or he simply didn’t care much. Option one was hard to think about, but option two only added to Even’s confusion over Isak’s weird affection for his best friend. Whatever it was, it wasn’t lust. Maybe love, if Isak really did separate the two. But not what Even had originally thought. 

Damn, he himself was getting excited over the feeling of Isak’s bare upper body brushing against his, was starting to tent his bathing shorts again just at the thought of pulling Isak in closer and kissing him again, right here in the pool, with the hot water surrounding them. 

“The water feels like lava,” Jonas exclaimed, making Eva laugh again. Apparently she had had just enough of the weed to find him hilarious.

Even could feel Isak scoff beside him and he pulled him in closer. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, low enough for only Isak to hear. He could see how goosebumps spread rapidly on Isak’s neck and shoulders as his breath ghosted over his wet skin and Even smiled to himself, satisfied. 

“They’re annoying when they’re high,” Isak shrugged.

“Mhh,” Even hummed, watching Jonas and Eva as they messed with the hot foam rising up over the bathwater. “I think you say that because you wish you could get stoned with him.” He jerked his chin at Jonas. “But you can’t, because you can’t be honest with him.”

Isak didn’t say anything, he simply stared at Jonas for a bit longer and then sank down underneath the water completely for a few seconds, escaping the conversation. It was the only answer Even needed though. 

He kind of got it. Isak’s conflicted thoughts about honesty and trust and everything to do with it. He was starting to understand him, his hypocrisy over his ideals, and his inevitable disappointment that seemed to weigh him down constantly. What Even didn’t get was why it would be such a big deal if Jonas knew. So Isak had a thing for his best friend. So what. They’d get over it.

When Isak resurfaced, his hair plastered to his forehead and his eyes a bit irritated from all the chlorine, it made Jonas jump. Even watched from a distance as Isak pulled himself together and went over to his friends, laughing at Jonas’ confusion and his rambling about the water and the heat. He could somehow see how they used to all be friends. With Jonas being the one who held the three of them together. He was doing it now, being the centre of both Eva’s and Isak’s attention, pulling them in like a magnet. 

It didn’t exactly surprise Even when he felt something inside of him pull sharply at the thought, but it still wasn’t pleasant. His moods had always been unstable, he was easily irritated and just as easily distracted from it yet again. But he still felt the sudden jealousy of Jonas and his easy way to make people stick with him as strongly as if it had been there the entire time. 

He still smiled when he caught Eva looking at him after some time. Jonas and Isak were joking around like people who had known each other their entire life tend to do, and Eva somehow got the same look on her face. It was only a second before Jonas pulled her back in again, splashing her with water and then talking about how he was craving lunch, but it was there. That same pained look at Isak and Jonas being together like this. 

Even had almost forgotten that she knew about Isak being into her boyfriend. And that he was here to convince her she was wrong. If he started to feel sorry for her and bonded with her over how annoyingly close Jonas and Isak were, he’d mess things up for Isak even more. And what he wanted most right now was to have Isak smile at him again. Have him trust him and talk to him and touch him when they were alone. 

So he knee-walked over to Isak, taking good care not to lift too much of his body out of the water and exposing it to the freezing air, and wrapped his arms around him from behind, pulling him against his front like a boyfriend would.


	11. Chapter 11

It was a while until Even found himself alone with Eva. She startled him the next day when he was sprawled out on a deck chair, enjoying the few rays of sun that had made their way through the ever snowy sky. He had his sunglasses on and was busy smoking a cigarette but not really. His eyes were on Isak, as he chopped firewood just off the porch. 

They didn’t really need any more of it, but Isak had claimed he liked the work out and was now slamming the ax down onto the pieces of wood like they all wore Eva’s face. Or maybe his dad’s. His own. 

Damn, he was strong. The way they had first met still had Even under the illusion that Isak somehow needed protection. He was younger than him, slightly smaller overall, just a tad whinier and more dramatic. Though that last one was probably a lie. But he was definitely not weak or in need of Even’s helping hands. The more time Even spent with him, the more he realized that Isak, in many ways, knew more than he did. Only he kept it to himself while Even couldn’t keep his mouth shut. But Isak wasn’t that much younger, and definitely not someone Even would ever have to take care off. 

He wished it was summer and that Isak would be wearing a sweaty white shirt instead of some padded vest he had found in the shed and pulled over his fleece sweater. But either way, he was nice to look at. In his skinny jeans, his face red with the effort and the cold air, his hands gripping the ax tightly and splitting piece after piece of wood without growing tired of it. 

“Isak’s never chopped wood in his life,” Eva’s voice made Even jump and the legs of his chair screeched on the porch as he moved it back a bit in a sudden movement. The sound of it made Isak look over at them and he stopped working for a second and let his eyes wander over them as if he was unsure whether he should join them or not. Whether Even would do much damage. 

Even waved at him and gave him a cheerful smile in hopes of conveying that he had it under control. He wasn’t stupid. If Isak thought he’d burst out all of his secrets the second he was alone with either Eva or Jonas, he really didn’t know him well. Which, he didn’t. He still seemed to think Even was somehow unpredictable when really Isak was the one who was back and forth about whether trusting Even was a good idea. 

“Doesn’t look like it,” Even remarked, as Isak picked up the ax again.

“He usually lets Jonas do it. Says it makes his hands blister.” 

It made Even smile, the touches of softness about Isak that made him not quite one or the other. 

“This view will be worth his whining later,” Even smirked, mentally patting himself on the back for his acting skills. When really he wasn’t even lying. Fake dating Isak was easier than all the real dating he had done when it came to bragging about their relationship. 

Eva made a face at that, but she kept her eyes on Isak as if she was trying to see what Even was seeing. He was glad that she had to actively try. Eva being into Isak would make their mess the perfect tragedy. But it also made him wonder about Isak again. 

Before he could go down that way and start questioning Eva about Isak’s past dating life, she spoke first. 

“I never thought Isak would end up dating a smoker.” 

Even looked down at where his cigarette had burned down between his fingers without him really having had much of it. 

“I don’t. It just gives me something to do.” 

Eva frowned at his admittedly stupid logic. 

“Why?” Even went on, sitting up in his chair a bit. “Isak’s not much of a health junkie, is he? He sure likes his tequila.” 

Eva kept frowning, but she pulled up a chair next to him now. “He does? I don’t know, I haven’t seen him drunk much. Maybe once or twice. But he hates smoking like nothing else.” 

Even had picked up on that, but he had thought he had gotten his explanation yesterday. “That’s only weed though, right?” he asked, too curious to waste this opportunity to learn more about Isak just to keep up their act that they knew each other in and out. Even in their official story they had only known each other for a few weeks, so it wouldn’t be too weird if he asked. 

“That too. But his dad’s a heavy smoker,” Eva said, looking suddenly uncomfortable. She wrapped her coat a bit tighter around herself, and then asked: “How’s Isak dealing with it? We haven’t talked much ever since it all happened.” 

Because she was blackmailing him and making him lie to his best friend, Even thought, but he kept his mouth shut about it. He didn’t know the whole story, he told himself again, and so he simply shrugged. 

“Alright I guess. He doesn’t like to talk about it.” 

His words made Eva scoff. “Of course he doesn’t. There’s nothing Isak actually likes to talk about, is there? Not if it’s about him, anyway.”

Even hung on to her lips at this point. He had to try hard not to look too surprised and give away that he was still struggling to get Isak to open up to him. 

“He talks to me.” Even didn’t know how much of that was a lie or not, but he hoped he wasn’t entirely wrong. 

“That’s good,” Eva said, and she sounded honest about it. “Jonas used to be the only one he hung out with. I’m glad that’s changed.” 

“Because it keeps him away from Jonas?” The words were out before Even could think about it and he closed his eyes behind his sunglasses to Eva’s reaction. He could hear her turn towards him though, probably in surprise. 

When he opened his eyes again he decided to look at Isak instead and caught him wiping his forehead with the sleeve of his sweater. It made Even’s stomach drop. 

“What?” Eva eventually asked, urging him to continue. 

So Even fell into damage control mode, regardless of how much he wanted to have this conversation with Eva, wanted to hear what her thoughts on Isak and Jonas were. 

“I don’t know, with all the stuff he has going on it’s probably good for him to talk to more than one person about it. Get some perspective.” He didn’t care how arrogant he sounded just then. What got to him was the look Isak sent him when he looked over to them again, his eyes full of worry. He couldn’t mess this up. But apparently Eva accepted his answer, as she simply nodded. 

“He deserves to be happy,” she agreed, and Even had to try hard to keep his emotions in check. He wanted to tell her how she was the one making his life unnecessarily difficult right now, but he couldn’t. Also, he somehow believed her. Whatever her reasons for holding Isak’s feelings at his throat like a knife were, Even didn’t think it had to do with her secretly hating Isak.

“I love him,” Even heard himself say. “He’s incredible.” 

It was undeniably sadness that darkened Eva’s features for a second, something Even couldn’t explain, but then she smiled at him, if somehow forced. “I’m glad.” 

It was then that Isak interrupted them. He took the steps up to the porch two at a time and only just managed to not slip on the icy ground. Even expected him to come and stand in front of them, almost like he was supervising their conversation, but instead he circled around them and came to a halt right behind Even to lean over his shoulder. 

Even tilted his head back automatically, straining to see what Isak was doing, and was met with him leaning down to catch his lips in a kiss. It wasn’t a peck on the lips, either. It was Isak’s tongue against his and his lips being wet and hot, and his skin tasting just a bit salty from the sweat. When Isak leaned back again, Even felt dazed. He supposed that had been the intention, as he could see Isak glancing over at Eva immediately. 

Even swallowed hard but didn’t reject when Isak wrapped his arms around his neck now. He was getting so much better at this, surprising Even more often by putting his hands on him.

“I think Jonas should be done with lunch soon,” Eva said from somewhere to his right, but Even was too busy concentrating on the feeling of Isak’s fingertips playing with the collar of his shirt, his skin warm from him having worn gloves up until a moment ago. Even shuddered with what definitely wasn’t the cold creeping underneath his coat that he had left halfway open. 

 

 

They had a slow lunch, an even slower afternoon, and an almost unbearable dinner. Even couldn’t wait for them to go home in two days. 

He was getting along fine with both Eva and Jonas but there were too many things they couldn’t talk about, and too many constellations amongst the four of them that just didn’t work. The worst of it was still Isak refusing to talk to Eva and becoming less subtle about it by the second. They had probably never really had their own friendship, or else Jonas would have caught on by now. Or maybe he had, judging by how he spent basically the entire trip rolling joints and excusing himself. Maybe his way of dealing with all of this was avoiding it, just like he apparently avoided Isak so very obviously being into him. 

It got worse after Even talked to Eva. Isak had been clingy out on the porch, trying to separate them by fighting for Even’s attention, but after Even told Eva in great detail about the best rom-coms of 2015 during dinner, he started looking pissed off and stopped talking to Even entirely. 

Jonas had left them to go smoking right after that and had left behind Eva who was growing increasingly annoyed with the frequency of his habit, and Isak who was sulking in the kitchen, searching for an after dinner snack. Even was about ready to simply grab his bag and take his mum’s car home.

His mood reached an all time low when Isak did decide to talk to him again and complained about being cold yet again. Even knew he kind of snapped at him when he told him to turn up the heat then, but Isak, despite giving him a dark look, forgot about it when he returned from the thermostat and announced its death. 

Even’s first thought was that they had gotten lucky and could go home right now. Then he saw Eva and Isak looking at each other for the first time and he knew it had to be bad. 

“Just reboot it?!” he suggested, earning another glare from Isak. 

“Even, this is a cabin, not Frogner. The pipes are probably frozen.” 

“It’s happened before, two years ago. We left early because it would have taken too long for someone to get up here and fix it,” Eva said from the sofa. “I’ll get Jonas.” 

“We could leave,” Even suggested, making Isak look at him. “Honestly, I think we’d all be happy to.” 

Isak didn’t look like he was about to fight him on that. Still, he shook his head. “You don’t wanna be driving here in the dark. And we didn’t move the cars in days, it would take ages to even get going and by then it would be almost morning anyway.” 

“I’d drive,” Even shrugged, but Isak shot his suggestion down with a simple look. Apparently he still cared enough to not want Even dead. 

Still, Even seriously started to contemplate whether it was the better option when he heard Jonas and Eva shouting at each other on the deck. 

“Great,” he sighed at the sound of Eva going on about Jonas being too high to be of any use and Jonas yelling about something entirely off point. 

When Eva stomped back inside a little while later, she looked close to tears and Isak and Even awkwardly watched her without knowing what to say. 

“We can leave first thing in the morning, but for now we’ll have to make do with the fireplace. Just fill it up again and leave the doors open. It’ll be fine I hope. Jonas has nothing useful to say about this, so I’ll just go to bed.” 

She stormed off and Even considered going after her. But when Isak did the same and vanished into their shared bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him, Even’s desire to fix things with him outweighed wanting to comfort Eva. 

So he did what Eva had told them to, stacked the fireplace with new wood, and went after Isak.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much! <3

Isak was sitting on the edge of the bed when Even joined him in their room. He was shirtless and in the process of pulling on the sweater he had been wearing to bed for the last few nights. Even watched him, lingering near the door. 

He didn’t know what to do with this. People being mad at him wasn’t anything new, but him wanting to fix it was. Whenever Sonja got like this, they usually yelled at each other until they got tired, but Isak didn’t seem the type for that. Not with his grumpy face and the way he had left the room to be alone. Even also didn’t want to ignore the problem until it went away though, the way he was used to from having grown up with Mikael. 

“What did I do?” he eventually asked when Isak pulled back the covers of the bed and climbed underneath the blanket. It was getting rather cold, and so Even turned to open the door a bit to let the faint heat from the fireplace reach them. 

When he turned back around, Isak’s eyes were on him. 

“Nothing. You’re here for me, doing all of this, so I can’t say anything.”

He looked upset while he said it though, and Even wanted nothing else but for him to lose the frown and let Even in.

“Tell me,” he demanded, walking over to the bed to sit on the edge. “It’s not like you owe me anything or like you have to deal with all of my shit just because...” he motioned around them with his hands, meaning the everything. Their shared bed and shared clothes and the tiny space they had hardly left this week. “I wanna know what I did that makes you hate me again.”

“I don’t hate you.” His words came faster than Even had expected. He knew that they were slightly manipulative, but it still felt good hearing Isak say it. “Not at all, okay?” 

Maybe Even had made Isak deny his statement but there had been no need for him to add this. It felt a lot like kissing him. Only not really because Isak had given this appreciation up freely, had said it while they were alone. Even wrapped his arms around himself. 

“How can you not be upset with Eva? You know what she did.” 

Of course it was that, Even had figured that much out. He had hoped there had been more to it though, a problem he could actually apologize for and then do better. This he had no explanation for. 

“I don’t. All I know is what you told me she did, who knows what else there is to it.” 

The look Isak sent him was incredulous. He sat up against the headboard, his legs pulled up to his chest yet again, then raised an eyebrow at him as if daring him to say he was lying. 

“Isak, I’ve cheated on Sonja before. She’s cheated on me so many times I don’t even know anymore. You really want me to condemn Eva for it?” 

He shouldn’t have said it, should have expected the disdain on Isak’s face. 

“I keep forgetting you did that. It doesn’t suit you, this weird thing that you have. Whatever it is, it’s not a relationship.” he mumbled into the blanket he had drawn up to his chin. 

“I’m assuming Jonas wasn’t dating Eva when you kissed him then? That you didn’t try and make out with someone who’s taken? Or are you just being hypocritical?” It was rude, but it had also been on Even’s mind ever since Isak had told him about it. The look on Isak’s face grew even darker but he didn’t say anything to prove the contrary. “I get that you’re upset with her. But you know that it’s not as easy as you want it to be.”

Isak’s face was almost entirely hidden by the blanket now. “It’s different though,” he tried, but didn’t explain how so. Even had said his piece and so he started to pull off his socks and then continued with his jeans. He pulled his shirt over his head and reached for the nearest sweater he could find – another one of Isak’s – and put it on. When he turned back around to climb underneath the covers on his side of the bed, he found Isak’s eyes on him. 

“I just don’t want Eva and Jonas to break up.” Isak’s voice was low, maybe because the door was open or because he had never said those words out loud, Even didn’t know.

“Wouldn’t that mean Jonas would be fair game?” 

“I don’t want him to be, I told you that before.” 

“You’re confusing, Isak.”

“No. It’s not that hard to get.” 

Even had to disagree, but he guessed that Isak would know better. He settled down next to him on his own pillow, leaning his back against the headboard of the bed and pulling his blanket up over his chest. 

“Are you asexual?” It kind of sounded too casual, but there was probably no way he could have said this and not risk Isak shutting down on him. 

Isak kept the blanket over half of his face and it was impossible to judge his reaction. But he wasn’t surprised. Nor mad. 

“I’ve considered it,” he finally said. “But I don’t think so.”

Even waited for a long moment, suppressing his impatience. When Isak began biting at the blanket and sucking the ends of the sheet into his mouth, almost childlike, he couldn’t help but break the silence though.

“Whatever you say is perfectly fine, you know that, right?” Isak turned his head to meet his eyes, the lose end of the blanket still in his mouth. “You’re in love with Jonas but don’t want him in any way other than what you have right now. Then why did you kiss him?” 

Even bit his own lip in fear that Isak would back down, that having this conversation with Even would be too much, that Even had somehow managed to fuck it up by assuming something that wasn’t his place to assume. But Isak let go of the blanket then, looking down at where it had turned wet and dark. 

“I needed to know. And I thought I wanted it. It’s not like I don’t think of these things, in theory. I’ve just never met anyone in real life that made me feel what you apparently feel for every other person. Like you wanna jump them and...” he broke off, catching himself. “I do want that. There’s just no one I want to do it with. I’ve never felt closer to anyone but Jonas so I thought that had to be it, that it’s the most I’ll ever feel. So I kissed him, thinking the other stuff would come later or whatever, but it didn’t.”

They were answers, but they sounded like more questions to Even. Maybe because Isak presented them as such, his voice unsure and still low, like he was terrified of being overheard. 

“But you want to? In theory? That’s not just wishful thinking because it would be easier than if those feelings weren’t there at all?” Even clarified. Isak simply shook his head and went back to biting at the dark fabric, distracting himself. He stayed quiet, giving Even time to replay what he had said over and over again in his head. 

“I don’t wanna jump everyone I see,” he finally protested, way too late. “Why do you keep thinking that?”

A small smirk showed Isak’s teeth and he let go of the blanket for real, pushing it down a bit and out of his face. “I know. It just feels like that sometimes when I watch other people. Everyone’s so focused on getting their dick wet, it’s like it wouldn’t even be possible to date someone without wanting any of that. I could still date Jonas without sleeping with him.”

“Do you want to?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes I think I might, then I don’t. He’s attractive, I guess, but I don’t lose sleep over it. I just...” 

“… you love him.” It stung to say it out loud, and it almost hurt to watch Isak nod without hesitation. 

“Yeah. But who says you gotta date everyone you love. It’s too damn complicated to think about where the lines are, if there are any. What matters is that he wouldn’t be interested in that so it’s no use thinking about it.”

“It is though,” Even murmured. He felt strangely disheartened, not by anything Isak had said, but by the only truth Isak seemed to not be questioning being his feelings for Jonas. “It’s you, so it matters.”

Isak gave a little huff. “You sound like Eskild.” 

“Eskild?” Even hadn’t been prepared for Isak to bring him up and his brain needed a second to connect the dots and then to realize that there weren’t any. 

“I talked about this with Eskild,” Isak admitted. “Took me a year to work up the courage but I asked him about it once. About the stuff that he knows about.”

Even could only assume that he meant identifying as not-straight. Some unease he hadn’t even realized was still there settled in him when he got this final proof that Isak wasn’t hooking up with someone that much older than him. That all it was was admiration on Isak’s side, that he looked up to Eskild rather than wanting to get naked with him. 

“Was it helpful?” Even asked, and Isak nodded. 

“Yeah. I try not to stress about it now, but it’s still hard when it’s all everyone else thinks about.”

They both startled when the front door fell close with a loud sound and they could hear Jonas coming inside and head straight for the room next door where Eva was probably waiting for him. Isak stared at the wall separating them, as if he could somehow see the two of them through it. 

“I swear I never meant to mess with their relationship when I kissed Jonas. It was selfish.” 

Even shook his head. “I get it. You needed to know and Eva came second.” 

“I hate that it happened,” Isak said, his voice dry. “I’d take it back if I could.”

“I know,” Even said. There was no doubt in his mind over how Isak beat himself up over this, given how much he hated lying to Jonas about dating Even. “I’m not happy about Sonja either. I don’t want you thinking I’m some asshole that sleeps around. Neither is she. We’re on the same page, we know this is how we are with each other, otherwise it wouldn’t ever happen the way it does. If I was dating you for real, I wouldn’t ever cheat on you. Not in a million years.” 

Isak raised his eyebrows at him, a small smile on his lips, and Even made himself add: “Or anyone else.” It made Isak smile harder and he scooted closer to him, pressing up against his side. It had never felt this good to simply sit next to someone before. 

“I don’t get you and her, but I don’t think anything bad of you. You gotta stop telling yourself that. I’m just confused by how you do things.”

Even could only nod. He could be doing a million things at once and it still wasn’t enough, but as soon as Isak touched him, it somehow was. There was nothing else he needed to do other than stay still and feel how their bodies shared their remaining heat. Isak was starting to shiver against him, a painful reminder of why he was this close to begin with. But in the end it didn’t matter why he was pushing underneath Even’s blanket now and curled up against him. Whether the heat had broken down or he simply craved the comfort of holding someone close as much as Even did.

Even’s thoughts would be running wild over this tomorrow, but for now all he could do was pull Isak in closer and finally breathe him in like he had wanted to for a while. He buried his face in Isak’s curls, smelling his hair, and closed his eyes when his scent hit him full force. 

Just an hour ago he would have given a lot to get back to Oslo right there and then, but now he wished he could just stay here with Isak for at least another week. Alone with him, avoiding life and the city and the start of another year that would fly by while Even didn’t realize where his time went. 

It somehow felt like relief, holding Isak close like this, like he could finally breathe. And at the same time it made him swallow hard when he realized just how badly he wanted Isak to stay in his arms for at least the rest of the night. 

They lay like that for a while, both of them keeping their hands to themselves but still Even felt like he was tangled up with Isak all around, like it would physically hurt to be separated from him. He didn’t know how much time passed, but it was getting steadily colder around them, they pushed ever closer together, and eventually, Isak’s breathing evened out, turning into his low snores, and it made Even numb with how fond he had become of him. 

 

 

Even woke up to the sound of muffled moaning. He was caught somewhere in the state of awareness and sleep and it took him several long moments of drifting in and out of consciousness to realize what was going on, to even remember where he was. The only real thought he had was that he was freezing.

Isak was still in his arms, shifting against him and apparently not quite asleep either. As soon as Even understood that part, the rest came back to him and he fell back asleep for a second once he knew that all he was hearing was Eva and Jonas in the room next door. 

When he woke up again after what was probably seconds, it was to the sound of Isak groaning through a smile. He was laughing quietly against Even’s chest, burying his face in the fabric of Even’s sweater. 

“Make them stop,” he mumbled, his voice heavy with sleep and amusement that Even hadn’t expected from him. But he was glad that Isak didn’t fall into another tirade of hating Eva, now for apparently making Jonas very happy regardless of what remained unspoken between them. He smiled into Isak’s hair, humming in his half dazed state. 

“Let them do their thing, make up sex is good for them” he murmured, not even sure whether he was awake for it. 

“We should have thought of it first,” Isak replied, his voice barely a whisper. “Make them hear us so Eva finally gets it.” 

Now that was a thought that had Even waking up. Isak moaning and saying his name, his breathing erratic and the desperation clear in his wrecked voice. His eyes fell open again only to see vague shapes and shadows. But Isak stayed where he was, unaware of the thoughts he had put into Even’s head. All he did was cuddle him closer, letting out another sound of complaint when the bed started to bang against the wall in a quick rhythm that didn’t help Even think of something that wasn’t Isak’s body shuddering with pleasure. 

“Cold,” Isak breathed as his fingers pushed underneath Even’s shirt, his half conscious mind so much less wary and uptight. His hands were freezing though, startling Even both with their icy touch but also with their close proximity to his boxers. Isak pressed his fingertips against the skin low on his stomach, warming his hands like Even was a goddamn heater, and there went Even’s last chance to ever fall asleep again.

He listened to Jonas and Eva grow louder and marveled at each of Isak’s quiet noises that jumped from complaint to laughter too quickly for him to follow. Isak was relaxed in his arms, which was the most important thing. Smiling somewhat, heavy with sleep and comfort and the cold that made him overly clingy.

Eventually, Even buried his hands in the back of Isak’s sweater and pulled him in close enough so that there was no space left between them. He just lay there, waiting for his mind to wake up further, expecting the restlessness of insomnia to hit him. But it never came. He matched his breathing with Isak’s as he fell back asleep before Eva and Jonas were even done, and the last thing he remembered thinking was how he was never going to voluntarily move away from him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your kind comments on here but also on tumblr!! <3
> 
> It has been pointed out to me that Nissen is in fact not better than Bakka. I used to think that Nissen was really prestigious while Bakka was a bit more artsy and not that well off. I know that it's different now but my original assumption just works for the story and I kept it that way because it fits Even and Isak's dynamic. But thank you for the info anyway, I appreciate it!

When Even woke up, Isak was gone. He already hated this day. He was cold and, despite what he had claimed yesterday, didn’t look forward to going back to Oslo already. The trip had been awful, but it had been something. Now, he was hit with the sudden realization that this would be it. Isak wouldn’t need him to be around anymore. 

He would probably go back to living with Jonas now that the school year started in a few days and they would only have to be alone together in the evening. It was only a matter of time before he faked their eventual break up and Even would be out of the picture. 

The thought was depressing, and he stayed in bed, the covers pulled over his head to savor the little bit of warmth underneath them, until Isak barged in to tell him they would be getting the cars ready now. 

Even reluctantly got dressed, feeling somewhat heavy and useless. He could already see himself dropping Isak off at Jonas’ place and proceeding to go crazy at his flat, at how empty it would feel compared to this. And he wasn’t even sure whether Mikael was back in Oslo yet.

When Isak asked him what was wrong, he avoided answering by getting into the car and starting the engine in order for he windshield to defrost. By the time they were ready to go and stood in the driveway awkwardly to say good bye, Even was about ready to cry with how badly he wanted to stay. He wanted another night like the one he had just had, no matter how painfully dull the days in between would be. 

“See you at New Years,” Jonas said and pulled Isak into a hug that had Even averting his eyes. But then his stomach doubled over. New Years was still two days away. 

“You’re not staying with Jonas?” He didn’t care if it made them look like they weren’t close. He needed to know. But Isak apparently didn’t have an answer, he only looked at him, a bit surprised, like he hadn’t thought this through. 

It was Jonas that spoke first, and it was directed at Isak. “I mean, you can, I just figured you’d be staying with your boyfriend? You have your own place, so...” The last part was for Even, and he gestured at him as if Isak might have forgotten he existed. 

“No, yeah...” Isak mumbled, his eyes still on Even, unsure. 

“Of course he’s staying with me,” Even smiled and pulled Isak close to his side. He couldn’t resist placing a kiss onto his forehead, right where his beanie hat met his cold skin. He tasted like snow. 

At Isak’s small smile and his approving nod, Even’s mood skyrocketed. He pulled Jonas in for a good bye hug, did the same to Eva, and promised them he’d see them soon even though he had no idea when that would be. He was still smiling when he climbed into the car and connected his phone to the aux cord for music. 

The second Isak opened his mouth, presumably to start asking whether it would be okay if he stayed, Even gave him a pointed look and turned the music up loud. How did Isak not realize that it was all he wanted? 

Luckily, he didn’t make as much of a fuss about it as he had last time. He insisted on paying for the massive amount of food they got on the way back but otherwise seemed happy enough when they climbed the stairs to Even’s flat. 

It was strange to be back. Nothing had changed of course, but it smelled weird and was all dark and cold, and Even had to fight the muscle memory that made him feel bored already. He poked Isak into the arm and asked: “So, New Years. What are your plans?”

Isak gave him an annoyed look and rubbed at his biceps. “Some stupid Nissen party. Everyone’s going.” 

Even couldn’t help but laugh at him. “Why is it that you’re never looking forward to anything your friends do? Don’t you think it’s about time to find new ones if they suck so much? Why do you keep going?”

“Oh, this wasn’t my idea,” Isak immediately protested. “I’m going because...”

“Yeah, because of Jonas, I know.” Even almost snapped. His moods were changing too fast for him to follow now. 

“That a problem?” Isak shot back at him. “What are your plans? Double dating Sonja and Mikael?”

Even had probably deserved that one. “Neither,” he said, completely ignoring the challenge in Isak’s words. “I was gonna go to a theme party with Sonja, but I don’t think that’s on anymore. It was stupid anyway. Ice something. Ice palace? Ice princess? She got this giant ballgown.” 

Isak’s mouth twitched. Fuck, they were getting good at this. Realizing how far they could go and then falling back into each other’s comfort. “What would you have gone as?” 

“Don’t know,” Even had to admit. “I never really expected us to make it til New Years to be honest.” 

“That’s kind of sad.” Isak turned away from him at that, opened his bag and started to take out clothes that needed washing.

“What’s sad about having a hot boyfriend that I get to kiss at midnight?” Even smirked at him when Isak turned around to judge his mood, his hair falling into his face. 

“You don’t wanna go to a Nissen party, Ev.” 

He seriously had to stop calling him that. It made Even’s skin prickle and his face feel warm. 

“Why not? You know how fucked up Bakka parties are? I’m sure Nissen will be tame.” 

“Trust me. It’ll be boring.”

“Are you scared of bringing me? Of coming out?” 

Isak dropped the shirt he was holding at that.   
“No. I don’t care about that, I really don’t. I just don’t want to ruin your New Years Eve after I’ve already put you through what has probably been the worst vacation of your life.” 

Even couldn’t argue with that, but he still wanted to go. He wanted another chance at holding Isak’s hand and feeling proud. He wanted to pull him in close at midnight and start the new year feeling nothing but Isak’s lips on his. He had started this year puking onto Mikael and the year before that fighting with Sonja so much they had forgotten the time. There was nothing Isak could ruin for him. So he said just that. 

“Seriously, I’m not expecting anything. If you want me to come, I’ll come.” 

Isak got up again, holding a bunch of clothes. “Just because we’re officially dating doesn’t mean you have to always be where I am. It wouldn’t be that weird if you went to your own party.”

“Okay. I’ll stay in then, being jealous of your fancy Nissen winter ball.” 

Isak snorted at that. “You really think too much of my school.” 

“It’s not like I’m gonna find out whether I’m wrong.”

Isak eyed him almost carefully, then he dropped the clothes he was holding to the floor and surprised Even by closing the distance between them and wrapping his arms around him. 

“I just don’t want you to keep doing stuff for me that you don’t want to do,” he spoke into Even’s shoulder. 

Even froze for a second before he lifted his arms almost desperately and put them tightly around Isak, silently encouraging him, telling him to do this more often, to simply never let go of him. 

“I want to, okay? Really badly. Let me laugh at you sipping champagne and, oh fuck, are you gonna wear a tux?” He was joking now, but Isak only groaned at him, exasperated. 

“You can come, but only if you shut up about Nissen being some kind of royal academy.” 

Even beamed at him. “Perfect.”

It was. Everything was, really. Isak doing their laundry while Even changed both his and Isak’s sheets and doing some half hearted cleaning. Isak taking a shower and Even throwing their lazy dinner together. Isak complaining about how the shower wouldn’t turn warm with the washing machine running and therefore coming out of the bathroom shivering. Even wrapping him up in both their blankets on the couch and feeding him pasta. 

It had never been this easy for Even to simply hang out with someone. It usually didn’t take long before he found himself browsing his phone for things to do in Oslo, parties happening near Bakka, or 24 hour coffee shops. But somehow, he felt satisfied leaning against the giant pile of blankets that was Isak and listen to him talking about the football game they were streaming. Next time, he was gonna make Isak watch something real.

Next time. Even could only hope that there would be plenty of other nights like this. That even if Isak got his own place eventually, he would still come by and apologize for eating all his food and whine about Even’s awful dating habits. Or maybe they would simply never break up their fake relationship and would at some point get married just because there was no reason not to. That way, Isak wouldn’t have to get his own place at all. He could either move in, or they could start looking for a better flat together. One that had a proper bathtub where they could reminisce over the first ever vacation that they took together. 

Even’s mind was running wild but he didn’t bother stopping himself. He only kissed Isak’s forehead when he asked what he was smiling about and reveled in how Isak didn’t pull away from him. Apparently they were finally done with the part in which Isak was scared he would make an unwanted move on him. 

“It’s late,” Isak finally yawned, and he was right. It was late, even for Even’s standards. But going to bed would mean saying good night, maybe even closing the door on Isak, and spending the next few hours restlessly tossing and turning until it got light outside. 

“Let’s watch another game,” Even suggested, even though he knew it was a lost cause. Isak shook his head hard. 

“No way. I’m gonna fall asleep in like two seconds.” 

“You can. I’ll tuck you in.” 

But Isak unwrapped himself from Even’s blanket and put it around him instead. Reluctantly, Even took it. He wouldn’t throw away Isak’s newfound trust and push him. So he got up and walked into the bathroom, never once letting go of his blanket. It smelled like Isak now. 

When he returned, the door to his room was open and he could see Isak taking off his clothes right next to the bed. 

Oh. Even was on board with that. 

Isak only looked at him like it was no big deal when they ended up crawling into Even’s bed together the same way they had done the last few nights in the cabin. Only it was warm enough here for Isak to wear a t-shirt instead of sixteen sweaters. 

“I don’t like sleeping alone,” Even redundantly said into the dark as soon as they were settled. He needed to know whether Isak had picked up on how reluctant he had been to leave him, or whether he had made up his mind about sleeping with Even way earlier than that. 

Isak hummed quietly. “I know. I don’t like it either.” 

It was as simple as that. Even’s heart skipped a beat when he realized that this was their arrangement now. As long as Isak was here, he would share his bed instead of sleeping on the couch. 

And then Isak was in his space, his back pressing against Even’s front through two layers of blankets. Even didn’t think twice about it when he wrapped his arm around him and leaned in closer to breathe in the smell of his hair and his neck. 

It didn’t feel like it had only been a couple of weeks in which they had known each other. Not with the way Even fell asleep in a matter of minutes, feeling like there was nothing wrong with the world. Nothing mattered but Isak trusting him enough to sleep in his arms, smelling so damn good, and for now, being here to stay.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have just finished writing the story this morning, so the pace of the updates now depends entirely on how badly you want them haha. Thank you for everything, as always!

Isak didn’t wear a tux for New Years but he still looked dashing in a snapback and a grey sweater. Something had Even thinking that he had gotten dressed down deliberately after their initial conversation about the party. But he couldn’t be more excited about Isak’s choice of clothing, especially his tight jeans and the way his hair curled around his hat. 

What he was even more excited about was that he got to be Isak’s boyfriend yet again. Sure, the last two days had come pretty close, what with them sharing a bed, spending every minute, awake and asleep, together, and Isak becoming more and more comfortable with him. But there hadn’t been any kisses. Even hadn’t dared to hold his hand or bite his neck and see whether he could make him groan. 

He wanted Isak on his lap again, touching him the way he had done at the cabin. But even though that would most likely not happen tonight either, them going out as a couple at least meant that Even got to reach for his hand when they arrived at the party. And that was good enough. It had to be.

They were back in Frogner, close to Nissen, and therefore close to Isak’s parent’s place. Even knew that it had to be on his mind, but he chose not to comment on it. Once the school year started, Isak would have to get used to be back here daily. 

Unless he switched schools. Choosing Bakka of course. Where he would sit next to Even all day and smile at him, share his lunch. They would be voted ‘Couple of the Year’ for sure, Even would take him to prom, and they would never break up the lie they had created.

Even knew that this was getting out of hand. He had to put a leash on his obsessive thoughts somehow. Be okay with holding Isak’s hand and doing nothing more.

So he squeezed it tightly as they entered the large living room after having hidden in the kitchen for too long after their arrival to avoid the crowd. It earned him a smile. Isak seemed nervous, but not as much as he had been before introducing Even to Jonas and Eva. He really didn’t care much about anyone’s opinion apart from theirs. And they were getting better at this, pretending to be dating. It was almost too easy now and Even could tell that Isak had stopped worrying about each and every one of their moves.

Even couldn’t be more excited. Not only about Isak looking good, smiling at him, and obviously feeling more confident about their not-relationship. But also about him finally meeting Mikael for real tonight. 

Mikael had only gotten back to Oslo last night, and the first thing he had done was call Even and make sure they would be spending New Years together. After a lot of back and forth in which Even had ignored Isak saying he could simply skip the Nissen party and had been unwilling to even compromise with Mikael and make them have predrinks somewhere else, Mikael had agreed to come to Frogner. Isak had only shrugged at the plan, being neither excited nor upset about it. 

So they would meet tonight. And not only that, Even would also finally find out what Isak’s problem with Nissen was. So far, the people around them seemed fine to Even, though Isak let his eyes wander over the dancing crowd indifferently, as if he couldn’t care less about who was there and who wasn’t.

Even fixed the bowtie he had chosen on purpose, just to make Isak roll his eyes at him in the way Even had grown fond of, and straightened his white dress shirt. Isak had made him wear jeans, but the shirt had passed his inspection with an approving nod. 

“Where’s Jonas?” he heard Isak ask some blonde girl with bright lipstick, and she pointed towards the other side of the room. 

Even held back his groan at that. Of course they were going to hang out with Jonas all night as if there weren’t hundreds of other people here. But he had chosen this, had wanted to be with Isak, and they were a package deal. So Even followed him without complaints to where Jonas and Eva were making out in a corner like they were alone. 

Isak didn’t care. He made Even laugh by how rudely he interrupted them and pulled Jonas into a hug after watching him disentangle himself from Eva. Even could smell the weed on him even before he was greeted himself, and he was a bit glad for it. If Jonas was knocked out, maybe Isak would deem him useless after a while and actually introduce Even to other people.

Even didn’t mind Jonas on his own. But he did kind of mind Jonas with Isak, although he knew he should be ashamed of it. What he had hoped for was to get a glimpse at Isak’s life at Nissen tonight, at who else he hung out with. But they stayed with Jonas and Eva for quite a while. Isak and Jonas talked about Fifa and so Even started to charm Eva into spilling secrets about the people dancing around them. 

Even studied the dance floor intently, trying to memorize who had drunkenly made out with whom, and sipped his third beer when the door opened and a group of guys spilled in. They were loud, rude almost, with the way they barged into the relatively boring party, and Even recognized them at once. 

He spotted Mikael while he still looked around the room, searching for Even. As soon as their eyes met, they both broke into a smile and Even was across the room before he knew what he was doing. He pulled Mikael in close and only realized then how long it had really been since they had seen each other. Almost two weeks. 

“It’s good to see you,” he beamed, and Mikael only nodded, his dark hair falling into his face. He studied Even intently for a second, getting hung up on his bowtie, like he expected something elementary would have changed about him over Christmas, and then nodded again. 

“Yeah, you too.” 

They broke apart when the rest of the group shuffled around to bump Even’s fist and ruffle his hair like they hadn’t seen him in years. Even did hang out with them a lot, with Yousef, Mutta, Elias, and Adam, but compared to how the four of them lived together now, he guessed that Mikael and he would seem like distant relatives to them. 

He didn’t know how they could stand being together all day every day. They went to Bakka together, shared a flat, and saw each other constantly after school to shoot short films and vlogs. He knew that Mikael wanted nothing more than to finally move in with them, but his parents had put their foot down at that. Even on the other hand had refused their offer. They were just too tight, he knew he would feel trapped in a matter of days. 

Although he had to look over at Isak at that thought. His walking proof that maybe it wasn’t Even, but the company that would be the problem. It had Even feeling stupidly hopeful and energetic and he smiled widely at Isak when their eyes met. 

Isak was watching him curiously, but without the jealousy that Even had felt when he had watched Jonas and him together for the first time. Somehow, that observation unsettled him for a second, but he didn’t dwell on it. Instead, he motioned for Isak to come over and wrapped his arm around him affectionately when he did. 

“This is my boyfriend Isak,” he proclaimed, a bit louder than necessary. He was going to miss this once it was over. 

The guy’s reactions went from cheering to disbelief and wishing Isak good luck with that in a matter of seconds, and it would have bothered Even had Isak not shrugged and said “he’s perfect”, like he meant it. He knew they were joking about Even and relationships not being a good mix, about how he had disappeared on them over and over again in the past, and how he was what they called “an independent, selfish asshole”. Lovingly, of course. 

They were laughing while they teased Isak about what a catch Even was, but Mikael’s face had fallen the second Isak had approached them. When Isak finally turned to him, asking “you’re Mikael?” with an unsure expression, he simply raised his eyebrows like it should have been obvious. 

Even knew what they were both thinking about. The time in which Isak had caught them making out in that alley. Which, Even had to admit, was a bit awkward now that Isak was officially with him. But it didn’t justify the cold look on Mikael’s face. Even had expected him to be a bit wary of Isak, not only because he considered their whole fake relationship a bad plan, but also because Isak knew about his biggest secret. But he felt protective all of a sudden and shot Mikael a sharp look as he pulled Isak towards the kitchen for another beer. He didn’t want to share Isak with any of them if they were going to be dicks to him.

“This is awkward,” Isak said as soon as they were gone. Like Even wasn’t aware. 

“Doesn’t have to be,” he shook his head. “At least you and Mikael are the only ones not lying to each other here. Everyone else thinks we’re in a relationship and Mikael is straight and I’m not involved with him, bla bla bla.”

It took Isak a second to catch on. “He knows it’s not real? Us?” He turned around abruptly and Even almost walked into him so he placed his hands on his waist. Every time Isak reminded him so easily that they were nothing, he felt the need to hold on to him a little bit tighter. 

“He’s my Jonas,” Even shrugged. “You get how lying to him sucks.” 

His words did the trick and Isak nodded. “Okay. But just so you know, he doesn’t deserve you.” 

It came out of nowhere and had Even frowning at him. This was coming from Isak, who reminded him daily that his way of being with people wasn’t Isak-approved. “Huh?”

Isak raised his hand and traced a line down Even’s cheek with his finger. He had gotten so much better at this casual body contact thing. Or maybe he had been good at it all along and had just not wanted to share any of it with Even. Until now. “He’s hiding his own relationship from you, right? Apparently he doesn’t have as much of a problem lying to you.”

Even had almost forgotten about it. He had been so focused on Isak and their plan and the way he made his heart race that Mikael making out with some stranger seemed almost meaningless now. What did he know, maybe they weren’t even dating for real. He had probably overreacted again. 

But Mikael had lied to him about that guy, that much he knew for sure. And Even had simply forgotten about it like it wasn’t a big deal. Like they did this kind of thing all the time. Even knew that he himself did. He couldn’t even count the times he hadn’t been honest with his friends just for the sake of simplicity. With a sudden ferocity, it hit him how Isak had a point. 

All those times he had complained about Even being too easy, too dishonest and untrustworthy. All those times Sonja had called him the same things, calling him out on his back and forth behavior and his inability to just focus on her and nothing else. The way Yousef, Elias, Mutta, and Adam had made fun of it with just a hint of seriousness behind it. Like maybe they weren’t entirely cool with how Even ghosted them every now and then. And how Mikael had thrown all that stuff about him not caring about anything at him the other night. Maybe they all had a point. 

How was it that Isak, whom he had talked to about Mikael maybe twice in his life, had remembered this and he hadn’t? Were his relationships really that fucked up, that he didn’t even remember being hurt anymore?

“What’s wrong?” Isak asked, his hand now fully on his face, cradling his cheek. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have reminded you of that. It’s your thing to figure out.”

Even swallowed hard. He wanted Isak to kiss his lips, to make the thoughts that crashed down on him go away. But he wouldn’t, and Even knew. So he simply shook his head. 

“It’s all good.” He didn’t say how maybe he didn’t actually deserve better, like Isak had just suggested he did. How the realization settled somewhere inside of him and made him feel sober. For a second, he wanted to go somewhere else simply to escape it all. But this was where Isak was, this was where they could be together, and so leaving wasn’t an option. 

“Sure?” Isak asked, and the worry in his voice shook Even awake. He wasn’t going to ruin this night for them. 

“Yeah. Do you want tequila? I know you like it.” 

He stepped around Isak but took his hand in his, not ready to give up his touch just yet. 

“Already?” Isak asked. “It’s kind of early for that.” It was clear that he was trying hard to accept Even’s words and Even wanted to turn around and kiss him for that, too. He just wanted to kiss him, period. But instead, he reached for an unopened bottle of tequila and two glasses. 

“So, no?” He gave Isak a way out but Isak shrugged his shoulders. 

“Fuck it.” 

So Even poured them two shot glasses to the brim and looked Isak in the eyes when he tipped his own against Isak’s. He sure was beautiful. Especially his lips and the way they wrapped around the glass when he drank. Even was so doomed.

 

 

Even tried hard to ignore the sinking feeling inside of him and after a while the alcohol along with all the attention Isak gave him tonight distracted him enough for him to feel cheerful again. He couldn’t get Isak to dance with him, but it was enough to sway around in a corner for a while, since he got to judge the people around them and the way they looked at Isak. 

Or rather didn’t. There were a few people that greeted him, some even rather happily, but Isak only acknowledged them with a nod or a half hearted wave. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but Isak’s that they ended up alone for most of the evening. Even didn’t mind it much, not for tonight. They had Jonas and Eva who kept checking in on them, and his Bakka boys came over frequently to trade gossip or knock back shots, and all was fine. Not amazing, since he would have liked to see Isak interact with his other friends, but fine. 

But Even kind of hated the idea that Isak lived like this every day, not talking to anyone but Jonas, Eva, and the two guys, Mahdi and Magnus, that Even had actually been introduced to at some point of the night. Was this really it? Whatever had made Isak this anti-social? 

He smiled to himself when he left Isak alone for a while to catch up with Mikael and saw him talking to a girl from the corner of his eye. But eventually, Mikael took up enough of his attention so that he stopped eyeing Isak constantly.

Mikael was weird tonight. Definitely slightly drunk, which was justified since it was almost midnight now, but also not in a good mood. It really had been too long since the two of them had been just fine and Even had looked forward to tonight, but it wasn’t happening. Again.

“What the fuck?” he eventually interrupted Mikael’s bored monologue about some art gallery his parents wanted to drag him to. “What’s wrong with us? Are you mad at me for the Isak thing? Or for making you come here? Was it something before that?”

To his surprise, Mikael looked taken aback. Usually, he didn’t hesitate to call Even out on whatever it was that was bothering him, but now he just downed his drink. Something blue and glittery an overly excited blonde girl that had claimed to be one of Isak’s closest friends had made for him. 

“What? No, it’s nothing. Just not feeling this party.” 

“Does it bother you that Isak knows about us?” Even asked, no longer willing to sugarcoat the whole thing. He had enough of Mikael behaving like he had all night. But apparently, his words only made things worse, as Mikael looked like he had been punched in the gut. 

“What about us? He doesn’t know shit,” he finally replied, and it made Even more mad at him. 

“What’s your problem with him?” 

“There is no problem. You’re so lovesick, you think everyone who’s not kissing his ass is doing something wrong.” 

“What?” Even only managed. He had not expected this, not when Mikael had only spent about two seconds talking to Isak. But apparently Isak really was the problem. 

“You’ve known him for like a week, Even. And you’re so stupid for him already. Staring at him all night, groping him like he’s some… I don’t know. You’re all over him. Just stop it already!” 

“Why? What’s wrong with him?” Even insisted. He had known Isak for over a month now but it wasn’t worth pointing out. He had a feeling they were talking about two entirely different things but couldn’t put his finger on where they had gone wrong. 

Mikael sighed and leaned his head back for a second, like Even was being frustrating. “You’re gonna start some shit with him and then leave him hanging like you always do. Just stop.” 

Of course Even had heard this before. Hell, he had heard this tonight. Yes, he could be unreliable. But he also had never made promises he didn’t follow through with. He knew how he was, and he had never told anyone anything about forever and always. Anyway, the only person he was truly messing with was Sonja. He could see that. But Sonja had her part to play in all of that too. 

Isak? Isak was different. And Even felt a hot rush of anger go through him at Mikael’s words. 

“Fuck you,” he spat. “I’m done with this. You’re the one not telling me things, you’re the one who’s constantly lying to God and the world, and you’re also the one who treated Isak like crap tonight, not me.” 

They only stared at each other, and it pained Even more than anything to see the look on Mikael’s face and to realize that they were so far gone at this point that there was nothing else to do. They would either talk this out or slowly drift away from each other. 

Someone behind Even started yelling something about it being five minutes to midnight. Even knew he would have to find Isak now, but it hurt to let Mikael standing like this. Still he did, pushing his way through the crowd and over to where Isak was waiting for him with two glasses of champagne in his hands. The girl was still with him and Isak motioned at her, saying “Sana, Even. Even, Sana.”

But Even could only smile at her weakly. It took him a moment to shake off the conversation with Mikael, to forget about the pain in his eyes. He was going to get to kiss Isak now. The part of the night that he had looked forward to all along. Finally, finally, he was going to get to taste him again. The thought was what made him hold it together and he swallowed down everything else. It had to wait for later. This minute of his life belonged to Isak and Isak alone. 

He took one glass of champagne from him and placed a hand on his warm waist yet again. The chanting around him grew louder and the room suddenly seemed to burst with how everyone had finally gathered together. Jonas and Eva appeared next to them with smiles on their faces, holding hands, and Sana found herself being squished to death by a girl with not only two but four glasses of champagne in her hands, claiming she knew that Sana didn’t drink and that they were all for her. 

Even watched it all, trying to distract himself, trying to only focus on Isak. It would have worked, as Isak stared at him with wide, cheerful eyes and it was hard to look away from him. 

But when someone or something made everyone around them turn their heads towards the door and some guys whistled from across the room, Even turned around as well. 

In the doorway stood Sonja, beautiful as ever in a bulging ball gown that reflected every light in the room like crystals. She had her eyes on him like no matter how big the crowd, she would always know right where he was.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU!!!

Isak almost dropped his glass but Even caught it just in time and wrapped his hand around Isak’s. For a second, there were so many emotions on his face when Even turned back around to look at him, that it seemed to become too much and his eyes just went blank. For some reason, Even could only focus on Isak. What Sonja being here would mean for him. Even himself had no idea, and there wasn’t any room in his head right now to think about it. 

He only knew that the seconds were ticking down and that Isak stared at him with his eyes wide open and, without having to turn around, he knew that Sonja was on her way over to him. Right on time, to celebrate the new year with him after all, wearing a fucking ball gown right out of Even’s favorite films. There was a reason that he felt for her what he did. Or had felt. Whatever.

He searched Isak’s face for answers but didn’t find any. What was he supposed to do? The countdown started and Even was frozen in place. From the corner of his eyes he could see something shimmering as Sonja approached him. 

To his surprise, Isak moved first. 

“Go for it,” he mouthed, his face an unreadable mask. Even could hardly make out the words over the chanting in the background. 

“Five… Four...” 

Isak took a step back, out of his arms, and jerked his chin at Sonja at the same time. The sound of fireworks erupted prematurely from the flat screen TV on the wall and they were answered by cheers and applause. Even looked at Sonja for the first time. Took in the confusion on her flushed face, but also the expectation and, to his surprise, the nerves.

“Three… Two… One.” 

Even buried his free hand in Isak’s hair, knocking his snapback off by accident, and directed his face back up to his. To the overwhelming sound of celebration around them he pressed their lips together. 

Fuck everything else. This was Isak’s hair in between his fingers and his lips against his, opened in a sound of surprise, and Isak’s skin and his breath and the way he tasted like alcohol and something a lot like licorice. 

Throughout the night, there hadn’t been a single moment in which Even had thought that Isak’s friends needed much convincing. A soft kiss on the lips would have sufficed to keep up their act. But kissing Isak meant not having to face Sonja, and Even wasn’t ready. It was the excuse he had needed to make this last so much longer than necessary. To pull Isak in closer and wait until he felt his lips soften underneath his, welcoming him. 

Even’s chest felt tight when Isak’s hand that wasn’t holding champagne grasped at his back, like this was more than a kiss somehow, like he wanted to hold Even and be held by him. For the briefest of moments, Even felt Isak’s tongue brush against his lower lip, something he had only done for the sake of convincing Eva before, and he loved the way Isak went pliant underneath him. Regardless of how they were surrounded by people, how Sonja was literally watching them, how they were being rude and inappropriate.

Even felt like it lasted forever, but when Isak pulled back, he suddenly knew it had only been a second. He met Isak’s wide eyes, and the emotion in them was back. So much of it that it almost blew Even away. He looked so vulnerable then and there that all Even could do was lean back in and kiss him again, softly this time, and briefly. But Isak had to know that this was for him only. Not for their stupid act. Just to let him know that they were going to be okay.

Then he finally faced Sonja. She didn’t look mad. Of course not. She knew Even too well for that, knew what to expect. But she wasn’t smiling either. There was confusion on her face, paired with something that said “I should have known better”. 

“Happy new year,” Even tried, but it sounded empty no matter how much he meant it. 

Still, Sonja repeated his words. And then: “I guess I thought of you a little bit too much tonight and came to find you. I didn’t know you had a date.” 

Even knew that the last thing she would want was pity. She didn’t deserve it either. He admired her for coming here, for trying, and most of all for not breaking into tears about how he had evidently moved on. So he didn’t give her an apologetic smile. Instead, he hugged her, complimented her dress, and then turned towards Isak.

“You remember Isak?”

“I do,” Sonja nodded. “Happy new year.” 

Isak looked at her like she was the most terrifying thing he had ever seen but he did manage to repeat her words. 

“Sorry for interrupting your moment,” Sonja apologized. She now laughed a little. “Mikael didn’t say you were here with someone. But I’m sure it’s fine if I get a drink anyway?”

She looked between Isak and Even like she didn’t know who would be most likely to point her towards the bar. But Even was too hung up on the other part of what she had said. 

“Mikael?”

Sonja nodded. “I texted him and asked where you were celebrating because you wouldn’t answer your phone. He said you’d be happy to see me. Evidently he had that part a bit wrong.” She laughed again, a beautiful laugh that Even could tell made Isak uncomfortable. Like he felt bad for being the reason Even couldn’t kiss her right now. Even couldn’t wait to tell him just how wrong he was. 

“I am happy!” he reassured her. “You could have come here all along and worn something more practical.” 

“Oh, this is amazing, don’t insult the dress,” Sonja interrupted him. “Drinks?”

Even pointed towards the kitchen and off she went, the sparkling gown turning heads as she left Isak and Even alone with one other. At least Even had thought so. As soon as she was gone, Sana pulled Isak into a hug and they were showered with new years wishes and questions about what had just happened. Even decidedly kept his mouth shut and watched Isak try to awkwardly converse with the people that seemed to care so much more about him that he did about them.

It gave Even a moment to catch up with what had just happened. He didn’t know what messed with his head more, Mikael and him fighting like that or Sonja showing up at midnight with a grant gesture to win him back. Or maybe Mikael advising her to do so. He scanned the room for him but couldn’t find him in the mess of dancing people. 

So he pulled out his phone to find a few missed calls from Sonja but no messages from Mikael. As he stared at the dirty screen, a message from Yousef came through. 

“taking M home, can’t drive. happy new year!” 

Even looked around yet again but could find neither Yousef nor Mikael. Apparently they were already outside. So their conversation had messed with Mikael just as much, if he was ready to leave this early. He didn’t bother with a reply but turned his attention back to Isak. 

Isak, who was just approached by Jonas. Even braced himself for witnessing a heartfelt hug to welcome the new year in which the two of them would continue to be amazing together but it didn’t happen. Instead, Jonas leaned in with a grave face to say something into Isak’s ear. Even couldn’t even be bothered by how close they were when he saw how Isak’s face fell. Did someone die?

He stepped closer to them, not caring about how he might be intruding on them. When Isak faced him, he looked incredibly helpless. How the hell was this night turning from perfectly civil and lame into a fucking disaster this fast? 

“What’s wrong?” Even asked, like there was still room for more things to be wrong right now. Isak looked between him and Jonas for a moment, like he was asking permission, and only answered when Jonas gave a short nod. 

“Eva and Chris just disappeared together.” 

Even’s already busy mind needed a moment. But even then he didn’t recall knowing anyone named Chris. 

“Chris?” he asked, and Isak looked at him pointedly. 

“Chris.” 

Like Even had to somehow know. But just as Even was about to complain, it clicked. When he gave Isak a look that asked whether he was right, Isak nodded. Chris, the guy Eva had cheated with. 

“Where did they go?” Even asked. “Outside?”

“Bedroom,” Jonas said, his face already sad enough that he might as well have seen them make out already. “Do we go after them?” He looked at Isak like it was his decision to make. Isak in return looked at Even. 

Even knew that Isak would want nothing more than to reassure Jonas right now, and the fact that he couldn’t would feel to Isak like he was letting him down. So Even took it upon himself to decide. He nodded. 

“Yeah, you should.” 

He didn’t enjoy throwing Eva under the bus like that. But Jonas needed to know if she was in fact with Chris right now, and if it all turned out to be true, things would change for Isak as well. Maybe not for the better, not immediately, but he would finally be out of this shitty situation. 

Even realized too late, after Isak had given him a long look and gone with Jonas towards the hallway, that if Isak’s lies blew up into his face tonight, he would be done with Even too. There would be no fake relationship anymore, possibly no having Isak as a roommate, and in the worst case scenario, Isak wouldn’t even stick around to be his friend. 

Even fell into motion without really knowing what to do. All he knew was that he had to move to avoid thinking. He headed towards the kitchen almost numbly. If he grabbed a drink, at least he had something to do. 

As soon as he got there, his eyes fell on Sonja, her lips on Mutta’s, her dress still sparkling in a way that made it impossible to look away. All eyes in the room were on them, and Even felt dumbstruck watching them kiss like neither of them could care less. 

And in that moment, neither could Even. 

He only just remembered to take his coat with him and to place his keys in the pocket of Isak’s when he left, bursting into the ice cold night and taking a few breaths like he had been suffocated by the party and everything it had entailed. He did think of Isak, and a part of him craved his presence like nothing else, but he knew that Isak had his own things to deal with right now. He would want to be with Jonas right now, whatever they found Eva and Chris doing with each other, and Even had to seriously get himself together and learn to be fine with that. 

Still, he texted Isak about where he was headed as he fell into motion and began walking East, in the general direction of where Mikael lived. It was New Years and there wouldn’t be any taxis around that weren’t already taken. And anyway, Even had already indulged in taking a taxi too many times. He could use the fresh air and the half hour walk really wasn’t that bad. 

Isak didn’t read his message right away and so Even stuffed his phone back into his pocket. He pulled a packet of cigarettes out of the inside pocket of his coat and lit one and then another once he had watched the first one burn down without taking a drag. It kept him focused, busy, and his mind stayed away from what Isak might be doing right now. 

Whether he would be forced to tell Jonas how he had made up being in love with Even so Eva wouldn’t tell him about his crush on him. Or whatever it was, Even still wasn’t sure. It was enough to make him worry about the possibility of Jonas being into it. 

What if right now, they were talking things out, Isak admitted to everything that had gone down, and Jonas simply moved in to kiss him, telling Isak that he had wanted to do so forever? What if this time, it would feel like something real to Isak?

Out of all the things Even had to think about right now, his mind got hung up on Jonas and Isak and their tongues down each other’s throat. He thought back to how he had kissed Isak earlier tonight, and how he had thought something had felt different. But it didn’t matter now. Not if Eva was gonna make him tell the truth somehow. 

Even spent the first half of the way obsessing over everything else that could possibly go wrong tonight and the other half being mad at himself for not having his priorities straight. He knew he was worrying about the wrong things, that Sonja and Mikael should concern him more than whatever was going on in Isak’s life, but it was easier that way. 

Once he arrived at Mikael’s house, he still wasn’t any smarter than he had been before. He still felt on edge, maybe even more so than before. His mind was racing but at the same time he didn’t really pay enough attention to even know what he was thinking about. 

The one thing that calmed him down was realizing Isak had texted him back while he had been walking. It wasn’t the first text Even had ever received from him as they had texted a lot over Christmas, but it was the first one with an emoji in it. 

“staying with Jonas tonight. good luck to you” Isak had pressed ‘send’ then and followed it with “sleep well” and a single star. 

First, Even got hung up on ‘Jonas’ being the only capitalized word. Like he mattered the most. Isak had used his name often enough for his phone to recognize it. Second, he pondered over how Isak would spend the night with Jonas. In one bed, the way he did with Even? But then he let the entirety of the message sink in.

It meant that Isak was okay. He was texting and making plans about where to spend the night and that was all that should matter. Isak had stayed with Jonas a million times before and there was no point in getting jealous about it. 

So Even sent him a kissing face that he knew would give away how he was five steps ahead of Isak here, but he didn’t care. He liked Isak and he wanted him to know. He needed him to feel appreciated and wanted and like he belonged. And yes, maybe Mikael was right and Even was falling fast here, but when had he ever not? He did things either completely or not at all. 

It got him into situations like this where he climbed up the balcony on the first floor with clumsy and frozen limbs and knocked on Mikael’s window. He had chosen this too, had chosen Mikael, and he was in this for good.


	16. Chapter 16

While it was something Even had definitely considered in the past, he hadn’t actually climbed up to Mikael’s balcony before. He was out of breath when he got there, his left elbow hurt, and he had probably broken at least three ribs. But the lights turned on when he landed on the marble ground with a loud thud and knocked his knuckles against the window. Good. 

A second later, Mikael opened the door for him. He didn’t look appreciative of Even’s skills though, but only stared at him, clearly terrified. 

“You scared the shit out of me,” he complained. His words sounded only slightly more sober than they had before, but Even could tell that Mikael knew what was going on. He wasn’t wasted enough to be allowed to avoid this conversation. 

“Sorry,” Even shrugged. “I didn’t think you would’ve answered your phone had I tried.” 

Mikael still wore the same clothes from the party but his bed looked like he had just lain in it. Like he had gotten home and fallen straight into it without bothering to do anything else. It was how Even knew that he wasn’t indifferent to this either. That their increasingly tense relationship was getting to him too. 

“Happy new year,” he told Mikael. “Did you make your resolutions?” 

Mikael made them every year. Usually they centered around stupid things, like making bolder fashion choices or growing his hair out. He was the kind of person that turned a new haircut into something he’d dread for weeks. Even knew that him coming out was not gonna happen any time soon. Still, he hoped to hear something along the lines of how he was going be more true to himself, or to Even. At least that. 

“I don’t know, painting my nails I guess. Black,” Mikael said, but he sounded distracted. He finally stepped out of the way to let Even in and closed the door to the icy cold. Mikael’s room was flawless as always. Spacious, neat, and boring. Except for his ruffled bed. Even threw his jacket on the ground near the door simply to make a statement. 

“Sounds good.” 

“Mmh,” Mikael hummed and sat down in the armchair that stood in the corner nearest to them, facing the bed. “What are yours?”

Even knew he was supposed to say something ridiculous, as Mikael knew that he never gave this any thought. Improving himself wasn’t on his agenda because he didn’t do much planning. As long as he always did what felt good to him it would happen anyway, since his feelings grew with him. But he wasn’t in the mood to make a joke about how he really wanted to have a threesome, the way he had done practically every year before this. He wasn’t even sure if it was true anymore. The thought of sharing Isak made him feel sick. 

“Become more reliable I guess.” He sighed. He knew it would appease Mikael if he let him know that he agreed with him on this at least. “Listen, I know I fuck up okay? But I want to know why you think of me lately like I’m the worst person you’ve ever met.” 

Mikael leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, and let his head sink into his hands. “I don’t, Even. I really don’t,” he groaned. Like Even was being frustrating again. “You’re just a lot sometimes. I can’t keep up with you.” 

Coming from anyone else, Even would have said “fair enough” and brushed it off. But this was Mikael. He had dealt with his moods and his short lived dedication his entire life. And he could deal with it. More than that, Mikael used to be able to appreciate it. But now he didn’t and they both knew exactly what had changed. 

“Maybe it’s time to talk about...” But Mikael cut him off. 

“No!” He got up and walked over to the balcony door. “We’re not talking about that,” he repeated, more quiet. 

“Why is it so awful for you to admit? You know it’s just me. No one else has to know that we...”

“I said no!” Mikael turned around. He sounded furious but he looked more sad than anything else. “It’s over now anyway. You’re with Isak, it’s all done. So we don’t have to talk about it.”

Even could’t help but take the bait, the distraction Mikael wanted him to pick up on. “You know we’re just pretending.” Even still hated to say it out loud. “Also, apparently you think I’ll fuck him up anyway so he’ll be gone soon and you can kiss it better.”

He was so bad at this. But so was Mikael. They looked at each other, both of them mad and frustrated with the other, both of them not sober and way too upset to have a proper conversation. But it wasn’t going to happen any other time either. And Even was here now, they had gotten this far.

Mikael huffed. “Like I ever made you feel better about anything.” 

Even frowned. “What?” 

“You run back to Sonja every single time. So I reckon it doesn’t make you happy anyway.” 

They were finally getting closer to whatever was going on and suddenly Even felt like running. He didn’t know what to do with his hands, whether he was hot or cold, and least of all what to say. For a second he wished Isak was with him. The feeling was so strong it overwhelmed him, and he didn’t know where it came from. But he walked over to the bed, sat down on it, and interlaced his fingers of one hand with the other, pretending it was Isak’s. 

“You mean after we make out? Can we just call it by what it is please? Because I can’t follow you.” He didn’t want to yell at Mikael any longer. As soon as he forced himself to calm down, Mikael’s mood changed as well. 

Mikael took a deep breath and then still had to look to the floor when he quietly agreed: “After we make out. You run back to Sonja, and when that’s done you’re back like you knew I’d just wait around for you. I’m done with that.” 

Even swallowed hard. He had no idea what to make of this. “You’re the one that runs. You push me off like I’m the worst mistake you’ve ever made and then you need to get wasted to forget about me and pretend nothing ever happened. You’re saying I should take that over going back to Sonja?”

“But you are the worst mistake I’ve ever made.” Mikael buried his hands in his hair and walked back over to the chair. It faced Even but there was too much distance between them. His words made Even grind his teeth and he could only stare at the ground in front of him as his throat started to hurt with how he was tearing up. 

“You’d go home with anyone who’d want you to, Even. You’re a mistake because I really thought that would change after me, but it never did. You just keep going back to her over and over again and I’m just a waste of time in between so you don’t ever have to feel lonely. Of course I push you off, of course I don’t want to go too far with you. Because I know for you it’s not what it is for me and still I can’t stop going there with you every goddamn time.”

Even heard the words but he couldn’t follow. Nothing made any sense until he looked up and his eyes locked with Mikael and it finally became clear. Fuck. 

“You’re into it,” he whispered. “You’re waiting for me to stay with you and be together like...” he had urged Mikael on to name what was going on between them but now he didn’t have the words for it either. Like boyfriends, he guessed. But until a minute ago that was something he wouldn’t even have brought up in front of Mikael as a joke. It was part of what they simply didn’t talk about. Mikael didn’t say anything now but he didn’t need to. 

“You wanted me to break up with Sonja for you?” 

Mikael only shrugged. He looked so small like this, folded together on the armchair. There were definitely teardrops hanging on his chin and falling onto his shirt but Even hadn’t caught the moment he had started to cry. 

“How? How could I have known you wanted us to be serious when you were too ashamed to even look at me after?”

“You never waited long enough!” Mikael’s voice broke. “Do you have any idea what it meant when we first did this? I took a thousand steps towards you and you never cared about any of that. Every time it happened I went home and I thought that maybe, one day, I could be okay with that, with us. If only you gave it some time. While you went home to call Sonja and didn’t give a fuck. Of course I started pushing you off. Because I really, really needed to stop thinking I could get used to it when I knew you couldn’t care less. You never gave me a reason to really consider this because you left every time I started to do just that.”

“I do care,” was all Even could come up with. He felt like he was outmatched, like somehow it was an unfair fight and he could only surrender and stumble over his apologies. He knew that he wasn’t the only one in the wrong here but somehow Mikael breaking down like this made Even the bad guy yet again. “I didn’t know it was like that. I thought you were just using me as your stupid gay experiment or whatever. I never thought there would be more to it on your side so I didn’t consider it. And I certainly didn’t leave my girlfriend for it.”

“You’re not an experiment.” Mikael looked up at that. “I’ve always known, okay? You’re just the only one I dared to do this with.”

They were silent then, letting their words sink in. Even closed his eyes. It was all too much to take in and he didn’t know where to put all the information. He could hear Mikael getting up again but didn’t open his eyes. He still wanted to run. 

He felt Mikael’s lips on his before he even felt the warmth of his presence or the change in the atmosphere when he sank down to the floor right in front of him, his hands on Even’s knees. They were kissing and even though Mikael was still crying and his skin tasted like salt, their kisses had never been less wet. This wasn’t the urgent eating of faces behind a club. This was Mikael pressing his closed lips against Even’s, again and again, and it hurt like hell to know that all this time, this was what he had really wanted to do. That they had hurt each other over and over again just because Even had never caught on.

Even kissed him back, because of course he did. There was no real reason not to. If there had been one, it would have had to be Sonja, who had made her move tonight and deserved to hear from him whether he was ready to try again or not. Given that she wasn’t getting into something with Mutta now. But Even’s thoughts went to Isak as he brought his hand up to Mikael’s hair and found it too long, too rough. Nothing like Isak’s soft, blond curls. 

Isak had also never kissed him like this. He always made sure to make it a perfect text book kiss. Probably because he didn’t know anything else. He didn’t know how to kiss someone with emotion. 

Even pulled away then. He could do this, yes, but it wasn’t what he wanted. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that about a month ago, he wouldn’t have been so sure of that, that he might have even pulled Mikael closer and onto the bed with him. But now things were different. 

What he wanted was for Isak to kiss him like this. Messy and imperfect and gross because he was crying with how badly he wanted Even. He didn’t care if it wasn’t ever going to happen, if Isak was never going to consider him attractive or kissable or whatever he had said he didn’t really feel. Even still wanted it, which meant that he couldn’t do this with his best friend. It wasn’t fair.

And besides, this wasn’t going to go anywhere. Even knew himself well enough to know that however curious and intrigued he had been about feeling Mikael’s body against his in the past, dating him was something entirely different. It would feel differently. And he couldn’t be the reason Mikael came out, couldn’t encourage him to do so only to then tell him he wasn’t all that interested. Mikael was more important than that, and Even needed him to be happy.

Mikael didn’t look at him when they parted. He simply got up from his knees and moved to sit next to Even on the bed. He surprised Even when he spoke again.

“You’re my best friend, Even. I’m not gonna pretend I don’t feel all this shit for you that I wish wasn’t there, but I want us to be friends, okay? I need us to be friends.” 

Relief crashed into Even with a sudden force that almost made him jump. “Fuck yes. Of course.” He gave a deep sigh and had to close his eyes again to sort through his thoughts. Then he made himself add, carefully: “I don’t think we’ll ever be dating.” 

It hurt to say it, knowing that it wasn’t what Mikael wanted to hear, but he had to say it anyway. 

“I know.” 

He didn’t sound as upset as Even had been afraid he would. It sounded like he had expected nothing more from Even and somehow it hurt. But maybe this was all Mikael had needed. A clear decision that would stop his thoughts from running wild. He had always been good at overthinking while Even didn’t do enough of it. 

“What about the guy at the club?” Even asked. 

To his relief Mikael didn’t pretend he didn’t know who he was talking about. He shrugged. “Julian. He’s nice, but it’s too soon. Nothing’s happened, he just walked me home that one time. I just needed there to be someone that wasn’t you.”

“Okay,” Even nodded. He could live with that. Finally, he had been told the truth and he didn’t need anything more than that. If only they stayed friends. If only this didn’t fuck them up entirely. His thoughts went back to Isak and to how scared he had been about Jonas finding out about his lies. A wave of sympathy surged through him and he wished he had been more understanding all those times Isak had told him about his fear. 

This really was terrifying, not knowing what would become of the friendship he valued most. All because of some stupid kisses. Of course they hadn’t been stupid in the past, Even remembered clearly how confused he had been, how he had maybe even been into them the way Mikael had been. But now he thought of Isak and how he would agree that it was stupid to lose a friend in order to get off with him and he suddenly wished he had considered all of this when he had first pushed his tongue into Mikael’s mouth.

“What about Isak?” Mikael asked, like he could somehow tell where his mind had gone.

Getting into this with Mikael would be cruel though. Even wanted nothing more than to talk about what it felt like when Isak was around, how suddenly everything seemed to slow down in a way that allowed Even to finally make sense of things. But he couldn’t bring any of that up right after Mikael had told him what he had. So he simply said: “I’m not gonna mess with him. I promise. And I wish you didn’t think that of me.” 

Mikael groaned at that. “Fuck, Even, I don’t really think that. Don’t you get it? How much it sucks that when you finally break up with Sonja for real and start dating someone else it’s some random guy you’ve only just met instead of… Well instead of the guy who’s been getting ready to come out for you when you were finally done with her.” 

Even could only frown at that. As much as he wanted to believe Mikael, he highly doubted that things would have ever played out that way. So he chose to instead set straight the assumption that he wished were true: “We’re not really dating, you know that. He’s curious.” 

“Curious?” 

Even refrained from saying “probably asexual. Definitely not into me”. He had never cared much about keeping secrets that weren’t really secrets before, especially not from Mikael, but somehow he felt like this information belonged to Isak alone. So instead he said: “As in interesting. He has interesting thoughts on it. I mean it, he’s smart.”

“Huh, but you’re not really dating, I see.” Mikael said, implying something Even didn’t want to think about. He mentally slapped himself on the forehead though when he realized how sad Mikael sounded. Way to go and make his still sniffling best friend feel like shit. So he wrapped his arms around Mikael until they were sat on the bed, hugging the way they hardly ever did. 

“I’m sorry I never realized,” Even whispered. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

But Mikael shook his head as best as he could while he was being wrapped up in Even. “Just don’t change anything. It’ll be good, don’t become all weird now.”

“Okay.”


	17. Chapter 17

Even couldn’t remember ever turning down Mikael’s offer of staying over and choosing to return to his flat instead. But he did that night, once they were done talking and hugging and standing on the balcony to watch some belated fireworks go off here and there. For the first time Even felt like he needed to be on his own to figure this out. So he let himself in with the second set of keys he had deposited in his mailbox and spent the rest of the night trying to fall asleep and not think about any of what had happened tonight.

Once it hit him that Isak wasn’t home, he felt even shittier than he had before. He slept in the living room with the TV on because Isak’s bag was there, some of his clothes were up on a broken drying rack in the corner, his dishes were stacked in the kitchen, waiting to be washed, and a book for school he had started to read yesterday lay abandoned on the table. Even stared at his backpack until he finally fell asleep, reminding himself that Isak would come back and that he had his keys now. 

It was all his brain was good for, like he had used up all his energy somehow. He couldn’t think about Mikael and Sonja and Mutta and Jonas, all there was room for was Isak and how he needed him to come back already so he could calm down enough to understand what had happened. 

Even startled awake when the keys turned in the lock and the door to his flat opened quietly. It was light outside but Even had no idea what time it was. He was on his feet before Isak had even closed the door behind him but he stopped in his tracks when he took him in fully, how he stood in the doorway, his coat done all the way up like he was freezing again, his cheeks rosy. 

The sight of the keys in his hand did something to Even that felt strangely like falling. Isak had come home. He had used his keys and let himself in like he belonged here. He had spent the night with Jonas, had probably gone through just as much as Even had emotionally, and now he was here, hopefully ready to tell Even all about it. Like them dating wasn’t just a game anymore, but like it was real and Isak cared and damn. He had come home to him. 

Isak looked tired but not devastated. Things must’ve gone okay. He gave Even a smile and then, while Even still told himself to hold back and let Isak at least drop his coat before he did this, Isak walked over to him and put his arms around his middle. Even was only in his boxers, the way he always was when he slept, and Isak’s coat felt cold and strangely rough against his naked skin. But it didn’t matter. He could hear Isak sigh when he buried his head in the crook of Even’s neck, breathing him in again, and Even’s eyes almost watered with how much he needed this. 

He pulled Isak in close, overwhelmed with how he was getting exactly what he had wanted. He had thought that maybe he was moving too fast for Isak, that he was craving his company and his body heat just a bit too much and that he would scare Isak away with how much he wanted him around. But here Isak was, unwilling to let him go, wanting the exact same thing. A hug that lasted a lifetime and had them both trembling with relief and the intensity of it. Even wished they would never have to let go. He could die like this. With Isak in his arms, finally no longer jumping at his every touch and shying away from him. He trusted Even. It felt like the most precious gift Even had ever received and he swore to himself in that moment that he would honor it with everything he had.

They stood like that for forever and Even let his exhaustion and how drained he felt be soothed by the comfort of Isak’s strength and the way that he, too, let his tiredness show. Somehow them both feeling like this right now made it so much easier to deal with. There was so much to talk about and Even didn’t know where to start.

He didn’t want to let go of Isak and so he walked backwards but kept his arms around him, pulling Isak with him until his legs met the back of the couch. Isak laughed quietly against his neck and followed easily, but once they got there and Even moved to sit down, his arms still around Isak’s shoulders, he sank down onto the blanket next to him instead of sitting down on top of him like Even would have preferred. But he didn’t complain. Isak was here and he was laughing and it was all that mattered. 

Isak took his hand after he had shrugged out of his coat and shoes. Like he felt this too, the way everything was easier when they were touching. 

“Thanks for the keys. How did it go?” 

“You go first,” Even immediately replied. He didn’t know how the thought had managed to leave his brain, but it was back with a sudden ferocity now: If Jonas had found out about Isak lying to him about dating Even, then this would be it. There wouldn’t be another time in which Isak would sit in his lap and kiss him like he had done at the cabin. “Does Jonas know? About us?”

Isak studied his face for a long moment and in it Even felt incredibly vulnerable. Like asking this particular question first had made it clear what was on his mind. But Isak still misunderstood.

“No, sorry. You can tell me when you want to end this though, you know I wouldn’t ever make you...”

“Isak, what part of me wanting you to stay here and sleep with me and tell me about your life makes you think I don’t want any of this? I want you around.”

Isak dropped his gaze to the floor but Even didn’t miss the smile he tried to hide. “I would still be around if we broke this off. This is not just me using you as my cover story,” Isak mumbled.

It would be different though. Having Isak as a friend was definitely high up on the list of things Even wanted. If not on top of it. But getting to kiss Isak from time to time, getting to hold his hand in public and showing him off as his boyfriend? That was definitely something he would miss. Still, Even felt warm at his reassurance and he smiled back at Isak when he looked at him again and then said: “Jonas knows that Eva cheated.”

“How so?” Even leaned in a bit further, pressing their upper arms together, and Isak didn’t seem to mind. 

“When we followed Eva, she really was with Chris, but she did push him off. He made a move on her because he thought they could continue what happened at the Christmas party and he cornered her or whatever. It still looked bad and Jonas kind of lost it. So Chris left, being a fucking coward, and Eva started crying and told Jonas about that time they kissed and said that was why Chris was all over her last night.”

“How did he take it?”

“Badly at first. But it’s okay now, I think. She said she ended up with Chris that one time because she thought Jonas and I had a thing and that he was cheating on her first. You know how I talked to Eskild at that party, right? About being into Jonas? I knew Eva heard that part, but Eskild and I definitely left the party to go outside and be alone after that. I didn’t think she had actually followed us and heard the whole thing. Everything about how I kissed Jonas, how I asked Eskild about not being straight. I kind of made it sound like Jonas and I had done more than just that one kiss. I don’t know, I guess I felt like Eskild wouldn’t get how much it meant otherwise.” 

Even could see that. How a kiss that was barely that wouldn’t mean much to most people. It had been nothing but a peck on the lips while they had both been high out of their minds. Even would have laughed it off himself had it been anyones story but Isak’s. 

“So she heard that and thought you and Jonas were a thing? And then she made out with Chris?” 

Isak nodded. “Stupid.”

“Yeah,” Even agreed even though he somehow got it. Being drunk and hurt at a party wasn’t a recipe for good decision-making. Also, thinking Jonas and Isak had actually hooked up was definitely different from thinking Isak was simply crushing on her boyfriend and Even felt some satisfaction over the fact that he had been right all along and that there was more to it than what Isak had seen. When he thought back to their time at the cabin he found himself asking: “So she was with Jonas all this time, thinking you and him had an actual affair?”

Isak shook his head. “No, turns out she asked Jonas about it after the party. She asked him if anything had ever happened between us and he told her about the kiss. Which he apparently remembers after all. So she knew I lied to Eskild about it being more than that. And she knew that kissing Chris was stupid and probably freaked out over it and blackmailed me because she was scared I’d tell Jonas. I don’t know, she didn’t say that part of course, but it makes more sense now,” he grudgingly admitted.

Even’s head was about to explode, but he nodded again. He felt his heart beating faster and he tried to stomp down the jealousy over how Jonas had a clear memory of kissing Isak. He kind of hated him for not appreciating it enough and for letting Isak think his kiss hadn’t been something worth remembering. 

“Did you talk about it? How he remembers the kiss I mean,” he asked even though he really didn’t want to hear about Isak and Jonas talking about kisses while they were alone in his bed late at night. 

“A bit. He brushed it off entirely, it didn’t mean anything to him. He got really mad about me telling Eskild it had been more. Obviously. And he still doesn’t really get why I did it, I just said it confused me and I needed to talk about it.” 

Even put his arm around him then. He smelled a bit like smoke from last nights party and faintly like aftershave he didn’t need to use. It was Even’s, too. Even remembered him asking if he could use it, and it would have made him smile had Isak not looked so sad right now. He was glad to realize that he didn’t feel happy about this proof that Jonas didn’t reciprocate whatever Isak felt for him. It would have made him a truly awful person. What really got to him was how Isak was clearly disappointed. 

“You know anyone else would die to be with you. It’s not ridiculous to think it could have meant something. Jonas just loves Eva, it doesn’t have anything to do with you.” He tried to pull Isak into his side but he wouldn’t let him. 

“No. I’m not upset about that, I don’t need comforting,” he insisted. “I’m upset because I caused all of this drama just because I don’t feel the way other people do and wanted to figure some stuff out.”

“Okay,” Even said. He still sucked at this. “At least he knows now. And you do too. You can get over him and he can figure his stuff out with Eva.” 

Isak nodded a bit halfheartedly. “There’s nothing to get over.” 

Even would never understand this, not in a million years. But he had a feeling that Isak didn’t get whatever he felt for Jonas either, which was exactly why he couldn’t explain it.

Isak cuddled him closer now, despite the fact that he had just claimed he didn’t need the comfort.

“Jonas still doesn’t know I knew about Eva and Chris the entire time and that she blackmailed me and made me pretend I have a boyfriend. Which Jonas still thinks is true.” 

Even wanted to tell him about how if it were up to him, they simply never had to break up. They could live this little lie for probably forever. But of course he didn’t. 

Isak began stroking Even’s hand with his thumb and Even looked down at their intertwined fingers while Isak continued talking. “Eva didn’t say anything about the other thing she heard me tell Eskild.”

Even scoffed. “Of course she’d leave out the part where you told Eskild you’re gay for her boyfriend. If she had said that you could have told Jonas how she used it against you. Which is a lot worse that making out with that Chris-guy for a bit at a stupid party.” 

For a moment Even thought Isak might disagree on what was worse. Instead he picked up on something else.

“I’m not gay, Even. Especially not for anyone.”

Even almost held his breath at that. Isak’s sexuality was still such a mystery to him and he prayed he would give him more than that. It wasn’t his business of course, and it also wasn’t like he was hoping for one thing or the other. He was simply curious. But of course Isak didn’t comment on it any further, and Even had figured out enough about him to know that pushing him wouldn’t give him any sympathy points. So he dropped it when Isak went on about Eva.

“I appreciate her not telling Jonas. She kept that secret, I don’t care why.” 

Even could hear himself agreeing to that but in his mind he was still hung up on what Isak had said. On how he had licked at Even’s lips last night when they had kissed. It wasn’t much, but he could still feel it. Small things like that mattered when it came to Isak. It was also confusing, especially paired with how he was holding his hand right now. If it had been anyone else, Even would have already made his move, would have no doubt that something more than friendship was going on. But this was Isak and somehow it was so much harder to figure out what he wanted.

“How was your night?” Isak asked now. He didn’t know about Even’s fight with Mikael and it being the real reason Even had gone after him. He had probably noticed that something about Mikael had been off though. Or by now he simply thought Mikael was an ass, what with the way the first time they had met at the club had gone, where Mikael had only stared Isak down and left. There was also the fact that they casually made out, something Isak couldn’t get behind. 

“He told me he’s in love with me.” Even had thought that saying it out loud would make it easier to comprehend and that his longing to be with Isak was mostly because he wanted to talk to him. But now that it was out, he suddenly felt a lot less like going over everything that had happened last night. What he really wanted was to crawl into Isak’s lap and get some more sleep. Him simply being there was apparently enough.

Isak dropped his hand. “Oh?” 

Even couldn’t read his face but it wasn’t happy. He reached for Isak’s hand and took it back in his.

“Yeah. I’m glad it’s all out there but I don’t know what’s gonna happen now.” 

Isak didn’t say anything, he simply hummed and looked around the room like he suddenly felt uncomfortable being there. 

“What are you thinking?”

Isak shrugged. “I don’t know. Do you love him?” It was only a question but Even couldn’t help but hear the second part of it. The “what did you do to him? Do you at least love him back, now that you made him this miserable?”

“What?” Even moved in closer to him again, making Isak look at him and how he shuffled around on the couch. “I’m not in love with him. Why is everything my fault? I didn’t make him fall in love with me.” 

“I didn’t say that. Did he?” 

“No!” Even suddenly felt furious. Not at Isak, but at the situation. At how everyone expected the worst of him. If he loved Mikael, he wouldn’t have dated Sonja until like two weeks ago. He wouldn’t have started going out with Isak, not even if it wasn’t real. 

“Even, it’s okay. I’m just asking,” Isak said quietly. “I’m sorry I assumed.” He reached out for him and placed his hand on his cheek, holding his face, and it calmed Even down instantly. “I’m just asking because if you’re in love with him, I don’t want to hold you back. Or if you want to be with Sonja. I don’t want you to do this with me and miss out on being with the person you love.” 

“I’m not,” Even blurted out too fast. “I care, Isak. I know everyone seems to think I abandon people left and right and that I couldn’t give a fuck about anyone. But I promise I want you. I care.”

It was probably too much, considering they weren’t actually dating and technically, Even didn’t even have to tell Isak this. Being with either Mikael or Sonja wouldn’t be abandoning him. Isak was supposed to be a friend and nothing more. But Isak didn’t seem to think it was weird. He just smiled at him and dropped his hand from his cheek. 

“I trust you, Even. And I know you care. You’re amazing.” 

Even gave in then. He needed more than a hug, he couldn’t get enough of Isak. And since kissing him was not an option, he pulled up his feet and let himself fall into Isak’s lap, rolled up into a ball. Isak immediately held on to him and pulled his body against his thighs like Even wasn’t 6 feet tall. 

Even cared. Too much maybe. It almost felt as if what Isak had said was really true the other way around. That being with anyone but him right now would mean that he was missing out.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I completely forgot to update the last time, hence the long wait, so I'm giving you this one today already! The more you cheer for it the less likely I am to forget about actually uploading chapters (though I honest to God did haha).
> 
> On a side note, I am planning Checking From Behind 2 at the moment and if you have any wishes/ideas/pairings you wanna see more of/general input/motivation then now is the time to send it to me, I'm grateful for all the kicks in the butt you guys can give me :)

They still had two days until the start of the school year on Monday. Even learned that Isak put a lot of effort into his studies when he began preparing for his classes in between naps, eating, and hanging out with Even. Even loved watching him read, or frown at his biology books while he chewed on his pencil. But he made sure that Isak didn’t waste their last two days at home together by studying the day away. They were on vacation after all. 

And for the first time, Even just didn’t want to leave the house. They stayed curled up on the couch together the entire first day of the new year, getting some more sleep and talking about things that were easier to stomach than their best friends making their lives difficult. 

The next day Isak went for a run and made Even come along on his bike. Even hated running with a passion but it was fun to watch Isak sweat and pant. He got himself off in his bedroom while Isak was in the shower afterwards. They made cheap dinner in the evening and hung around some more, being useless and happy. 

Even had never felt more relaxed in his life. He almost dreaded going back to Bakka and having to see Mikael and the other guys. He had never realized before how busy his life had been. It had always been a conscious decision of course, being out all day and making too many plans, but all of that seemed meaningless suddenly. Even couldn’t remember what it was that he had valued about spending all his time going places and seeing people. 

Of course he knew that he couldn’t just hang out with Isak all day every day. It wouldn’t be good for either of them once the novelty wore off. But he couldn’t wait to come home to him after school or in the evening. To actually go home and stay there, having a free evening every now and then where he just got to be with Isak and did nothing else than hear him laugh and make him smile. He wasn’t used to this and he had never realized how much he needed it. 

On the third day and their last night of the holidays, Isak went home to have dinner with his mum and his sister. He claimed that mainly, he needed some more stuff and that, if Even was fine with it, he would bring a whole suitcase to the flat. But Even could tell that he missed his family and that no matter how hard he pretended to be annoyed about having to go there, he was more anxious than anything else. 

Even offered to come, and for a second Isak looked like he actually considered it. But he ended up going alone. Apparently introducing Even, the guy Isak currently lived with and was getting closer to every day, would be too much for his mum to handle right now. Even yet again realized how lucky he was to have parents that had never once even commented on him dating people of all genders. Even didn’t care and they didn’t either. They had seen him with his pan-flag pin and smiled at him. 

But Even let Isak go, hugged him good bye for a long, long minute, kissed his cheek, and then proceeded to pace around the flat like a lost puppy. 

Damn it. He had never wanted to be like this. Dependent on someone else in a way that made him feel useless whenever he wasn’t with them. But then again, it had kind of been the other way around. He had felt useless before, like he had been drifting, and now he didn’t anymore. Now there was Isak and the flat suddenly felt a lot more like home. Which was good. It was all a matter of maintaining the balance now. To still go and see his other friends.

So Even called Yousef and made plans to see the guys after school tomorrow. They talked about their vacations for a while, and Even told him about Isak while being vague with actual terms like “boyfriend” and “relationship”. He also learned that Mutta was still definitely single and that Sonja hadn’t come by the house or anything. 

Which was maybe why Even ended up in front of her flat later that evening. He had put off talking to Sonja because he had been happy with Isak, and the whole thing with Mikael had been enough serious conversation for him. He also didn’t particularly feel like Sonja would hang around and desperately wait for him. She would do her thing until he got back to her. 

It was among the things that he had always valued about her the most, how they were both so independent and that she wasn’t holding him back. She let him do whatever he wanted to do and if they fit, they fit. But when he rang her doorbell he couldn’t help but think that she had also never quite made him feel the way Isak did right now. She had always been amazing, but she had never really been with him. Just around him, doing her own thing. Neither of them had ever gotten too attached. 

And he couldn’t tell whether that was a good thing or not. Whether what he had with Isak now was too much, or whether maybe Sonja had never been enough. Even didn’t know. It was all a mess and he had been doing just fine when Isak had been around but now that he wasn’t, Even immediately felt lost again. 

The thought scared him like nothing else. He didn’t want to be someone that could only function while their significant other was around. And holy fuck, when had he started calling Isak, who was nothing more than his friend, his significant other? Isak didn’t want him in that way, and there was no use in going down that road. 

When Sonja opened the door for him, she wore only yoga pants and a simple black sweater. She looked comfortable and at peace with herself and Even felt incredibly unaccomplished next to her. 

“Hey,” he smiled anyway. 

“Even,” she greeted him. “It’s good to see you.” 

Sonja let him in and Even made himself some tea like he lived there while she finished up a skype call she had been on. This was good, he told himself. He needed something else, something that wasn’t Isak, Isak, Isak. 

“How have you been doing?” Sonja asked once she reentered her spacious living room. Her place had always been so much better than his. Not because it was bigger or more expensive or less cluttered. Mainly because Sonja knew how to take care of things and hadn’t broken every single kitchen utensil she owned. Even should hold on to her and he knew it.

“Good,” he replied, because when had he ever not. “Haven’t been out much, my brain is a bit mushy.” 

He said it like it was a bad thing when really he was spiraling back and forth between appreciating how happy he had been ever since New Years and beating himself up for simultaneously getting into what was surely yet another unhealthy habit. Sonja would get it though. She knew him. 

“You get cabin fever when you’re in the shower and there’s nothing to do but wash or jerk off,” Sonja laughed.

“Which is why showering together is so much more fun,” Even said. Sonja smiled at him knowingly, probably recalling all those times they had done just that, but Even’s mind presented him with a perfectly clear picture of Isak in his bathing shorts at the cabin instead. What he had looked like when they had climbed out of the tub, all wet and his skin a bit red from the hot water. How his shorts had clung to him. Even had only seen him like that for about two seconds before Isak had vanished underneath his gigantic towel, but it had been enough for him to still be haunted by it.

Isak didn’t walk around with only his towel in the flat. Or in his underwear. He also didn’t parade around soaking wet or let Even come into the bathroom while he was taking a shower. Not that he had tried, but he figured there would be a line. That line didn’t include Even picturing it though, every time he heard the water be turned on. But either way, Even had no new memories, nothing whatsoever to finally forget about Isak and him sharing that stupid hot tub. Maybe he could suggest taking a bath together some time soon. It wouldn’t be much different from being curled up in each other on the couch after all. Except there would be naked skin. Lots of it. 

“Even?” 

“Huh?” Even snapped out of his thoughts. 

Sonja frowned at him. “Mushy brain, I get it.” She shook her head a bit in confusion. “I asked if you want to go for a walk then.” 

“Sure,” he nodded. She really did know him. 

So he waited around for Sonja to get ready to leave, downed his tea too fast, and turned on the radio only to change the station every ten seconds. There was nothing on that he liked, and if there was he had to make sure there was nothing even better playing somewhere else. Eventually, Sonja pulled him out of the flat with an annoyed eye roll. 

They started walking and Even considered asking her about Mutta. But then again, he didn’t really care much. He knew they weren’t serious, or else he would have heard from Yousef about it, and that was all he needed to know. So instead, he asked about her Ice Ball or whatever her New Years party had been called, He listened to Sonja talk about the costumes of people they both knew and the themed food and drinks, and made himself pay attention as best as he could. 

It was both comforting and unsettling to listen to her talk. Somehow, Even felt relieved when he recognized the names of her friends and the clubs she had had predrinks at, and yes, he existed outside of Isak. He had all of this with Sonja, all the same people they hung out with and the places they went to, everything. But it also made him feel uneasy when he noticed how little he actually cared. 

All of what she said was just a means to waste time for him. He had never seen it as such before but suddenly he couldn’t get the thought out of his head. Was there anything in his life that was actually substantial? Anything he really couldn’t live without? 

“What are you thinking about?” Sonja asked. Of course she picked up on his mood. She had been with him for too long and recognized his obsessive thought patterns more easily than he did himself. 

“I don’t know,” Even said, even though he definitely did. “The holidays have been strange.” 

“Want to tell me about it? The guys all complained about you not being around at all and then there was… what’s his name?”

“Isak.” It came out too fast. “Isak Valtersen.” 

“Isak. Are you serious about him?” 

Even didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to let too many people know they weren’t actually dating, just so that he wouldn’t lose track of it and somehow ruin things for Isak in the long run. Isak trusted him with this and Even wanted to do his absolute best to do right by him. But this was Sonja. He also felt like he owed her the truth. The truth he started to really, really hate. 

“We’re not actually together,” he sighed. “We’re pretending, but it’s a long story. He kind of moved in though.”

Instead of pestering him about details, Sonja only nodded in acceptance. “So you haven’t hung out with your new boyfriend all this time? That’s what I heard but it didn’t sound like you.”

Even ignored that remark. He was aware by now that no one actually believed he could be in an actual relationship that required time and commitment. Instead he asked: “You’ve seen the guys?” He guessed that that was where she had gotten her information from. It sounded like something they would complain about. 

“Last night. There was a party at Adam’s place, I kind of thought you would be there.” 

Even hadn’t even heard. He hadn’t really been paying attention to whatever was going on outside of his flat and Isak’s sight. 

“I hung out with Isak,” he stated vaguely. It was a vast understatement but not a lie. Still, to put it into perspective he added: “A lot, actually. I never realized how much I have going on all the time. I never spent this many days just hanging out, not doing anything.”

It made Sonja laugh in a way that told him that she had always been aware. They walked in silence for a while and Even pulled out his pack of cigarettes and lit one. It was only then that he realized it was his first smoke this year if he didn’t count New Years itself. Ever since he knew the reason for Isak’s aversion to it he hadn’t even thought of stepping outside for a cigarette. Also he simply hadn’t been as restless as usual. 

He needed to talk about all of this. About how he was getting attached to Isak faster than he could understand, how it scared him that he loved what Isak’s company did to him this much. He was like a calming lullaby that made Even stop running and called him to the sidelines where he could have a rest. Being with Isak felt like recharging, and he hadn’t even known he had been running out of anything.

Instead of saying any of that, he went for: “I think I’m done with all the back and forth. I’m so tired of it.” 

He hadn’t realized how much it sounded like a break up. But once he heard his own words he realized just how right they felt. They were also scary, but not wrong.

He loved Sonja. But he wasn’t going to make her happy and she wasn’t what he now knew he wanted. 

“You want to settle down?” It sounded like a joke when Sonja said it, even though Even felt like saying yes. It was exactly what he wanted. He wanted to finally slow down. Practice how to feel like he did when he was with Isak all day every day and not just when they were together.

“I want to at least try. I don’t know how, or what’s changed, but it’s all so much. I can’t hear myself think. Ever.” Except for when Isak was there and looked at him like he mattered and like his thoughts actually meant something other than Even being obsessive again.

Sonja nodded at that. She didn’t seem upset with him and somehow he wished she would show at least some kind of a reaction. Instead she said: “I know what you mean. It’s like you’re not there sometimes, your mind is so busy you just space out.” 

She took his hand then and Even didn’t mind. She was still Sonja and they would still have whatever connection they had. Just like Mikael would always be Mikael. 

He was doing this right, he thought. Maybe this year, he would finally figure some things out, clean up his life. He was done with all the mess he had created. Jumping back and forth between Sonja and Mikael, not being able to say no, going through yet another break up each month. It was draining him and he had never known how much so.

“I’m sorry I can be so...” he started but then he couldn’t find the word for it. 

“I know,” Sonja said. And he knew that she did. They came to a halt underneath a giant tree that dripped melting snow on them and Even looked up at it. “I’m sorry too. It’s not all your fault that we’re so...” 

He smiled at her when she didn’t know what to call it either. They just were what they were. Not dishonest or disloyal, not even lacking commitment. Maybe it was just the fact that they both knew they weren’t going to end up together that made them so careless with each other. Neither of them believed in the concept of being made for someone, so they had never really tried.

So this was it, Even thought. They were finally breaking up. He looked down at her and she still had that smile on her face that was starting to confuse him now. Even if this was the right thing to do, it still kind of sucked. He still didn’t feel happy about any of this. 

But then she leaned up to kiss him, and it hit him that they weren’t on the same page at all. He kissed her back out of instinct, after all those years of kissing her, but his eyes were wide open. 

Oh fuck. She thought they were making up right now. That he wanted to settle down with her, wanted to slow down with her, figure out his back and forth life with her. 

When he pulled back, she talked first. “I’m all for this, Even. We’ve never really put much work into what we have, we always just run from it. I don’t know what this Isak has done to you, but I like it,” she laughed. Then she wrapped her arms around his chest and rested her head against it, holding him close. 

And okay, maybe Even could do this for a little bit longer. He could still figure his stuff out, could listen to his own thoughts every now and then. There was no reason for him to ruin this and drop the bomb on Sonja that he hadn’t meant to include her in his new resolution. He didn’t have it in him to clarify it, and in the end it didn’t really matter.

Maybe it would even be good if they tried yet again. It gave him a commitment that wasn’t Isak, something that would maybe even lessen his infatuation with him. Even was no less determined to go after whatever effect Isak had on him, to learn how to hold on to it, but maybe Sonja didn’t have to be out of the picture for that. 

He told himself the same thing over and over again when they ended up kissing again, both of them smiling at the snow splattering onto their coats in thick blotches. It was going to be alright. Kissing Sonja might not feel the same way as kissing Isak did, but it wasn’t awful either. He could keep this going as long as it worked, use it as his anchor that kept him from being pulled into Isak even more forcefully. All he had to do was find the right balance of keeping Isak in his life and not getting lost in how completely and utterly gone he was for him.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go, thank you for freaking out over Even being stupid in the comments, I loved it :D

Even didn’t really have an answer as to why, but he followed Sonja home. After they went and had dinner at some cheap Italian restaurant that was, to toast to the occasion that was their new beginning. Oh, Even was so fucked.

As soon as they were back at Sonja’s place, he couldn’t help but kiss her. It was what they had always done. Even had probably had more make up sex in his life than anything else, and he was good at it. Sonja tasted like pizza and red wine and everything about her was familiar and yet somehow wrong. It wasn’t familiarity what Even wanted. He wanted something to change. 

But the feeling wasn’t strong enough for Even to actually tell her that. Maybe he was afraid to go through with his barely reflected on plan to break up with her for good. Or maybe it was just too easy to be with her like this. Probably a little bit of both.

After everything that had happened with Mikael, all the confusion about Isak and his own feelings, Sonja was the one thing that he didn’t want to overthink right now. He knew that it wasn’t fair, but then again, neither of them had ever quite been saints. 

So Even went with it and let her push him towards the bedroom while they exchanged hot kisses and he told his brain to finally shut up. 

Isak wasn’t someone he had to break up with his girlfriend over, he thought while he unclasped Sonja’s bra and let it drop to the bedroom floor as they entered the barely lit room. He hadn’t given him a single sign that maybe they could be more. He wasn’t into Even that way. 

What Isak had given him were reasons. Reasons to start looking for something else in his life because clearly he wasn’t happy with what he had. He had given them to Even every minute that they had spent together that had meant more than all the months spent with Sonja put together. But it wasn’t like Isak could ever be for him what Sonja had been all this time. He wouldn’t ever want to be that. So in the end, none of the reasons mattered.

If he broke up with Sonja, all he had was a stupid crush on someone that didn’t like him back. Not in that way. And Even didn’t know if he could handle falling further into that without having Sonja to keep him safe from that kind of pain. 

So he held on to her tightly when she pushed him down onto her bed and settled onto his lap, her thighs bracketing his. It didn’t matter that he wished it was Isak doing this to him. It didn’t matter.

Even kissed her more forcefully, trying to get his head into this, to concentrate on how good it felt to have her grind down onto him. His body reacted but it wasn’t anything that thrilled Even anymore. It was nothing like feeling Isak’s tongue brush against his for just a second. He groaned into her mouth, more in annoyance at his own thoughts than in pleasure. 

When his phone vibrated with a notification, he pulled back too quickly. Sonja rolled her eyes at him when he fished it out of the pocket of his jeans and made her shuffle down on his thighs in the process. She held on to his shoulders and kissed his neck, but it wasn’t due to the feeling of her lips against his skin that his heartbeat started to pick up. 

Even saw Isak’s name on his screen and clicked the text eagerly, his free hand stroking up and down Sonja’s back absentmindedly. 

“are you coming home tonight? need you here”

It took all his self control to not literally throw Sonja off of him. She got the hint though when his body flexed with an aborted attempt to get up and she let out an annoyed sigh while she threw herself onto the mattress next to him. 

“Really? This is you trying harder?” Sonja had every right to be mad at him and this time it showed both on her face and by the tone of her voice. It wasn’t like this was the first time that Even was abandoning her. “This better be important”. 

It was. To Even it felt like the most important thing he had ever had to do. To get home and be whatever Isak needed. Maybe, had he not added those last three words, Even would have been able to stay with Sonja, or to at least text back and ask what was up first. But Isak had never before reached out to him like this, had never deliberately asked for Even to be with him, and it wasn’t even a choice Even had to think about. 

“Sorry. Let’s try again tomorrow? I’ll come over right after school,” he told her while doing his jeans back up and looking for his jacket that he had dropped somewhere on the way to the bedroom. But Sonja didn’t let it go. 

“Where do you need to go?” 

For a moment Even considered what would be worse, lying to her face to have a good explanation or telling her he was leaving her because of a vague text message. He opted for the truth.

“Isak. He was home tonight and things must have gone wrong. His dad just left, they’re having a bit of a crisis.” 

He could tell he had made the right decision when the anger on Sonja’s face disappeared and her features turned soft. She rolled onto her stomach and watched him check his pockets for his keys. 

“Okay.” 

She didn’t look happy, but right now it was good enough for Even. He knew she deserved better and that he couldn’t keep this up for much longer, but right now Isak needed him. So he kneeled down in front of Sonja and kissed her lips, twice for good measure, and hurried out of the flat. 

By tram it took Even twenty long minutes to get home. Twenty minutes in which he fidgeted with his phone, listened to only the first few seconds of every song on his spotify playlist, and bit his lower lip raw. 

He didn’t know what to think anymore. On the one hand, it felt incredibly wrong to be this obsessed with Isak. To drop everything for him and let his thoughts orbit around him and nothing else. On the other hand, Even had never felt this sure of who he was before. He knew where he wanted to be right now, what he wanted to do, and where his priorities lay. It wasn’t anything Even had ever felt before, and he liked the sense of calm and reassurance that came with thinking about how Isak waited for him at home and how he would still be there tomorrow.

When he arrived at his flat however, he felt the opposite of calm. His mind was running wild with how Isak’s evening might have gone, what might have happened that had made him text him like he had. 

He hurried up the stairs taking two steps at once and burst through the door halfway expecting Isak to have lost a limb or to tell him he was leaving the country. 

But Isak simply stood in the kitchen making tea, looking a bit lost, his eyes red and his skin blotchy. He wore sweatpants and a white shirt that Even recognized to be his by an old stain on the collar. When he saw Even, something like relief spread over his face and it made Even’s heart race. 

Maybe Isak didn’t want him in the same way Even wanted him, but Even was starting to think that that was a good thing. Because whatever Isak had to offer would have to be better than what he himself was used to giving. It involved him coming home to Even and telling him he needed him and looking like he could finally breathe when Even closed the door behind him. It was so much better than any of the things Even had come up with so far. Fuck bubble baths and walking around naked and making out on the couch when they could have this. 

Isak put his cup of tea safely down onto the kitchen counter and walked over to where Even shrugged out of his jacket. 

“You didn’t have to drop everything,” he tried to convince him, but his broken voice told Even the opposite. 

“I know, I wanted to,” Even murmured, and his skin tingled when he wrapped his arms around Isak. He could hear Isak letting out a trembling sigh like he was holding back tears and it made him pull him in closer, wrapping him up in his arms with the intention to not let him go until everything was alright in his world. He closed his eyes against the intensity of Isak’s smell and the way he clung to him just as tightly, his fingers grabbing Even’s shirt at his back. 

“It’ll be alright,” Even whispered. “It’s okay that you’re hurting, but it’ll stop. I promise.” 

He could feel more than hear Isak sobbing against his chest then. It wasn’t him being teary eyed the way he had been when they had first met, shocked and confused and scared. He had still held himself together then, had shrugged it off and pretended to be fine for Even. Or maybe he really had been, as long as he had stayed away from home and told himself things were going to be okay. But Isak wasn’t fine now, and he no longer tried to tell either Even or himself that he was. 

He was trembling in Even’s arms, and Even could feel his shirt turning wet where Isak’s face was pressed close against his chest. His breathing was coming quickly and ragged, he kept choking on his own sobs and it made Even’s heart ache to witness just how much pain he was really in. So he pulled him in even closer and buried his face in Isak’s hair, pressing his lips against his curls over and over again, and stroking his back and his neck at the same time. 

“It’ll be okay,” he tried again, his own voice weak, but it was all he could think of. Isak only pressed himself against him, lifted his head onto Even’s shoulder, and glued their chests together so that there was not a single inch of space left between them. 

They stood like that until Isak’s breathing slowed down after a long time and Even moved to kiss him behind his ear, on his upper cheek, underneath his eyes where his skin was wet and salty and warm. He kept brushing Isak’s hair out of his face, but he didn’t dare move away from him far enough to be able to look at him properly. Isak didn’t let him either, his fists still curled tightly in the fabric of Even’s shirt. 

“What happened?” Even asked, the question barely more than breath between them, and he didn’t even know whether it mattered. 

Apparently it didn’t, since Isak didn’t reply. He only hid his face in Even’s neck, and Even could feel his wet lips brushing his skin there, making him shiver. When he did, Isak kissed him for real. Little, innocent pecks against Even’s pulse and below his ear that made Even’s vision go blurry. He stood frozen in place, waiting until Isak was done tasting his skin and instead simply pressed his face against him yet again. Then, he picked Isak up.

He wasn’t easy to carry, and Even only just managed to lift him up enough to get them to the couch. He held on tightly to Isak’s waist and let him back down as soon as they were there, but Isak still protested loudly and finally let go of him. 

“I’m not a baby,” he complained, but the way he had to pull up his nose right after didn’t give it much heat. So Even only smiled at him, as best as he could while his own heart broke at the sight of Isak’s red face. 

He immediately reached out to touch it, to run his fingers over his wet cheeks and lips. Isak followed the movement with his eyes, but once Even dropped his hand to his collar he sat down on the couch, crosslegged, and pulled Even down with him to lean against. Even was glad to be able to simply follow his lead now. He didn’t know what to do, all the comfort he could offer was touches and kisses, but what if it wasn’t enough for Isak? Isak had always been ahead of him when it came to talking.

But right now, he apparently didn’t have any words left either. 

“He’s gone,” was all he said after a while. “Over Christmas it didn’t sink in. It did now.”

Even bit his lip to keep himself from saying something about how he got it, how he understood, and how much it had to suck. Because in the end, he didn’t know. He had no idea what being ripped apart at the very core like this had to feel like. If Isak had grown up with both of his parents, losing that had to be hell. Something Even wouldn’t ever come close to understanding. Something he hadn’t thought much about until now. 

And suddenly, he felt bad for it. For being jealous of Jonas being this close to Isak when really he should have appreciated him being there for Isak. For low-key judging Isak’s slow trust in him, for teasing Isak about how reserved he had been at first, how reluctant to let Even in and not question his intentions. For mocking Isak’s idealistic world view in which he expected too much of people when last year, everything Isak had known and believed in had turned out to be wrong. Of course he held on to whatever believes he had left, and whatever he just needed to be true so badly. 

“I’m not letting go of you,” he told Isak quietly. “It’s okay if you need time to believe that.”

It was okay, because Even needed that time as well. Not to make sure he really meant what he said, but to comprehend the strong conviction behind his words himself. Why being with Isak and holding on to him felt more right than anything else he had ever done. 

Isak’s eyes met his and for a short moment Even was convinced that he was going to lean in for a kiss. It was exactly what the look on his face told him he wanted, all fondness and wonder and longing. Even knew he mirrored it right back. But Isak simply climbed into his lap, kind of like he had at the cabin, but messier and less sexy. It didn’t make Even think of taking off his clothes now, but only made his heart ache with how much he felt like he was healing from something he hadn’t known had been broken. 

“Thank you,” Isak whispered. He looked him right in the eyes and something between them fell into place then, something that Even knew would stay. “Thank you for choosing me over Sonja on New Years. I never said that.”

Even hadn’t noticed. He had been selfish and rude when he had kissed Isak, it didn’t deserve any praise. But he didn’t want to think about Sonja right now, or the way he was majorly fucking up what he had with her at the moment. Not when Isak was here with him and looking at him like maybe, just maybe, there was more to all of this after all. 

So he simply shook his head to tell Isak that it wasn’t something he had to worry about. If only Isak knew that kissing him that night had been the best thing to happen by far. 

“Do you want to talk about tonight?” Even tried again. He remembered Eva complaining about how Isak didn’t like to talk about himself, and he knew from experience that it was true. Isak was going to shrug it off, he had already shared a lot tonight. Had let Even see so much more than he had expected to ever get. 

And at first Isak did. He shook his head and reached for Even’s collar, playing with the hem and staring at his own hands in the process to avoid Even’s face. But eventually, just when Even was about to suggest that bath he had thought about, which he knew would be taking it too far and would push Isak out of his comfort zone for good, he started talking. 

Even simply sat there and stared at his lips, catching more tears with his index finger when they came and gathered in Isak’s cupids bow. He sat there for hours, holding Isak close and listening to him talk about the things he missed and would never get back. 

They never made it to the bedroom but fell asleep crawled up into each other on the couch when it was way too late. Even drifted off into unconsciousness as easily as he always did when Isak was there, but this time he got to hold his hand when he closed his eyes.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, you're all amazing <3

As compatible as they were in some ways, getting up together early in the morning wasn’t one of them. Isak’s alarm went off way before Even’s did and they were both grumpy about it in their own way. Isak because climbing off the couch and making his way into the bathroom while Even just kept on snoozing was just too hard, he claimed, and Even because he could have really used another 30 minutes of sleep. But Isak turned up the radio in the bathroom in order to wake up which made Even throw a fit about it on the couch. 

Naturally, they were running late. Or Isak was, since he aimed to be at Nissen at least 15 minutes early but now lived further away from it. He whined about never eating breakfast that early when Even presented a plate of French toast to him, and how it was going to make him even later. But Even made him eat and then disappeared into the shower so he wouldn’t have to listen to Isak’s complaining. 

“I’m not done in there, why are you taking a shower?” Isak’s voice came through the bathroom door the second Even turned on the water. 

“You’ve been in here for ten years,” Even yelled back. 

“Well now you’ve made me food so I need to brush my teeth again!”

But Even wasn’t going to give up his shower. He was already settling for a lukewarm one because Isak had used up all the hot water. He had classes to get to as well, and by now they were both on a tight schedule. Admittedly, Isak was going to have a harder time making it, since he had to take the tram while Even would walk. 

“I’ll only be five minutes,” he said, reaching for the soap to at least be quick, but he could already hear the door being opened. 

“Fuck you, Even, I have to be at Nissen in fifteen.” 

Even’s mouth fell open as he listened to Isak moving towards the sink, leaving the door open behind him. He couldn’t see him from behind the shower curtain, but it still felt strangely intimate to know that Isak was right there, in his tiny bathroom, while he rubbed soap all over his body. It made Even smile. Somehow, it counted as yet another step that Isak took towards him. Breaking down barriers of politeness and accepting the shameless friendship Even had offered from day one. 

Still, Even complained through his smile: “The water is gonna turn cold if you use the sink.” 

Isak turned on the tap. “You deserve it.” 

Even stepped out of the cold spray of water as best as he could, still beaming. He reached for Isak’s shampoo instead of his own simply out of spite. By the time he turned off the water and wrapped a towel around his waist, Isak was gathering his things in the living room. He had one arm in his jacket and was busy tying his second shoe whilst also yelling about his phone not being charged to 100% the way he liked it, when Even emerged from the bathroom, dripping water everywhere. 

“Did you not charge it overnight?” Even asked, but Isak stilled when he saw him. 

Even hadn’t thought about how he was pretty much naked when he had left the bathroom, but if he had, he would have expected one of two reactions from Isak. Indifference or embarrassment.

Indifference was what he had been met with all those times he had changed in front of him or had only worn his boxers to begin with. Every time, Isak had looked right through him or even studied him with a bored expression on his face. 

Embarrassment was what had shown on his face when Isak had seen him with Sonja, when he had first come back to the flat and interrupted them. He had been flustered then, not by his own reaction to Even’s body, his hard dick on display, but by how he was definitely intruding and being part of something he wanted no part in. 

But now, Isak simply cut his own sentence short and closed his mouth. The way he took in the sight of Even’s chest wasn’t subtle, and he froze in his movement in order to do so. Even could feel the heat rise to his face, a sensation he hadn’t felt in forever. But Isak wasn’t deterred. He studied Even almost methodically, like he was taking note rather than enjoying himself, but it was definitely not disinterest that made two small lines on his forehead appear like he was concentrating too hard.

“Huh,” he said, more to himself than to Even, and finally got up from where he was kneeling on the floor, his shoe still untied. He shuffled around with his jacket for a bit before he was good to go and Even watched him in awe, a bit dazed by what had just happened.

Isak’s cheeks weren’t rosy, he wasn’t stumbling around and losing his speech over it. But a small smirk played on his lips when he turned around towards the door and waved good bye to Even. 

“See you tonight,” he said, and Even’s heart jumped at the promise. Living with Isak was going to be the best thing he had ever done. Especially if Isak kept looking at him like that. It made Even smile brightly the whole morning and even made up for him having a class without Mikael in the first period. 

He sat next to Mutta instead and tried his hardest to pay attention to what was going on as his thoughts kept running back to how Isak had looked at him like it was the first time he had seen him shirtless. Even didn’t know what it meant, but it still thrilled him. Mutta kept raising his eyebrows at him, but Even only shrugged and pretended to be paying attention while really his mind was running wild. 

 

 

It felt like spending his vacation with Isak had just been a dream. Like Even had lived someone else’s life for the last two weeks and was now brutally thrown back into reality. The reality in which he found himself ordering another beer at the bar he was sitting at on a Monday night when the last call was announced. 

It was 3AM, Even had school tomorrow, and Mikael had been talking about leaving for at least an hour. But he was still here, leaning heavily onto the bar and chatting up the barista that kept sending both of them pitying glances. 

Even had to agree. Going out on a Monday, his first day back at school, was slightly pathetic. But the way his day had gone made him certain that sleep wouldn’t find him, even if he was in bed right now. And he wasn’t that drunk. Maybe he shouldn’t have accepted those last three beers Mikael had ordered for them, but at least he had let his best friend talk him out of going for jaeger bombs. 

It was his own fault, really. He had made every bad decision he could have made today, overwhelmed with how many people had demanded his attention after everyone had been gone for two weeks. Even had tried, he really had. But in the end, he had given up and fallen back into his habit of saying yes and thus gotten caught up in more than he could handle. He felt like he had made enough plans with vague acquaintances today to keep him busy until spring today.

It had been during lunch when he had finally met Mikael and suggested hanging out after school. They were still recovering from New Years, and spending time together was something they desperately needed. But as he had told Mikael that, Yousef had given him an annoyed eye roll, reminding him that he had wanted to come over to the guys’ house initially. Only moments later, Sonja had texted him and asked about where he was going to meet her later. 

It wasn’t like Even had never double booked himself before, but this time it bothered him a lot more than it had in the past. It had thrown him into a spiral of self doubt and frustration when he had canceled on Sonja yet again and not gotten a reply. But Yousef and the others had been right there, looking at him expectantly. And he could at least combine Mikael with the others whereas bringing Mikael to see Sonja was a touchy subject since he had done so one too many times in the past. 

He hadn’t enjoyed his afternoon filming some shitty video with the guys and eventually overexerted himself to try and make up for being in a bad mood the first time they finally hung out again. Mikael had been visibly on edge as well, overly aware of their every interaction, and Even had yet again realized how badly he had fucked up with him. He should have never gotten that far into their whole thing, should have noticed that it meant something else for Mikael way sooner. But he hadn’t, and the reminder in form of Mikael’s awkward behavior around the guys only worsened Even’s mood. 

He had been dying to go home and see Isak all day, but things had only gotten worse from there. Even had expected Isak to be on his side, to comfort him and tell him he knew that Even wasn’t being a dick on purpose. But once Even had dumped his shit story of a day on him in the evening, Isak had only deadpanned him and asked: “So you’re back together with Sonja?” 

Even hadn’t been able to explain it, and the way Isak had so sensibly asked him why and whether he really thought they could be happy together had tipped the scale from bad to unbearable. Of course they wouldn’t ever be happy together. Not in the happily ever after way Isak considered the only thing to be worthwhile. 

Even wasn’t as perfect as him, as idealistic and composed and self reflective. He was a mess, and he didn’t know what he was doing with Sonja. But being alone was a scary option, and Isak wouldn’t get that. Even knew that Isak would rather be alone than with someone he couldn’t have a future with. And he knew Isak had a point, but he was also a lot braver than Even. 

So Even had left the flat, feeling useless and angry at himself, and on top everything scared that he had somehow ruined the one good thing he had by disappointing Isak. Just when he had thought that maybe he could be good enough for him after all. 

All this talk, coming from Isak, about what he valued in people, and Even had managed to be everything he despised today. But what was worse was that he felt like he had failed himself as well. He didn’t live for Isak, didn’t need Isak to approve of him that badly. What made his approval so important was the fact that Even had actually started to want to be more like Isak. And he had failed miserably. 

Even reached for his last beer when the barista placed it in front of him together with the check. Dammit. He had to stop spending all his money on useless things like drowning in his feelings and being too lazy to walk or cook. Even groaned at the sight of the bill but Mikael snatched it from him and handed the barista a credit card. 

Even was getting a headache. He also felt tired and weak and all he wanted was a bed. At least Mikael had stopped being all weird around him after their first drink. They were almost back to normal now, or their drunk selves that was. Neither of them was in their best mood, but they were in this together and Even finally felt a little bit of honest hope when it came to their friendship. 

“Come on, you can stay over,” Mikael said somewhere near Even’s right ear, for once more sober than Even was himself, and helped him off the bar chair.

 

 

Even didn’t remember exactly how they had gotten home. But when he woke up, it was in Mikael’s bed to the smell of coffee. 

“Dude, are you gonna skip first period or are you good?” Even’s eyes were open but he still only took note of Mikael sitting on the edge of the bed when he spoke. 

Usually, Even would have easily gone back to sleep and tried again in two hours. But he made himself sit up and rubbed a hand over his face. It was only the second day of school, and a Tuesday at that. He couldn’t stay home because he was drunk. How pathetic would that be? 

He snatched the cup of coffee from Mikael’s hands and took a sip only to burn his tongue. His stomach protested against the hot liquid but at the same time it felt nice and reenergizing, so he kept going until he had finished the whole cup and Mikael looked at him approvingly. 

“How do you not feel like this?” Even mumbled, and he swore he could smell his own breath. He pulled a face at his own embarrassing state. Thank God he had stayed at Mikael’s place and spared Isak this show. 

“You had a head start when you called me, remember?” 

Mikael sounded somewhat fond of him and Even couldn’t understand why. He raked his brain for any memory of pressing Mikael hotly against some wall or door of the club, or maybe even of making out with him right here in his bed, but he came up blank. At least there was something he had done right. It would have been so easy to kiss all his pain away with Mikael, and the relief that they hadn’t gone there functioned as the best remedy for a hangover Even had ever taken. 

“Thanks for letting me stay,” he said while he attempted to get out of bed without tumbling right back down onto it. He had to use Mikael’s shoulder to hold on to until the world stopped spinning, but he was up. 

“Always. Thanks for letting me in on your Monday night pity party.” 

Even had to laugh at that. But he squeezed Mikael’s shoulder affectionately and smiled down at him as best as he could while his head was figuring out how to stand straight. 

“You’re my best friend. No matter what, I told you that.”

“Doesn’t mean it has to work out that way,” Mikael said quietly. “We could have the best intentions and it could still just go to shit.” 

“It won’t,” Even replied without thinking about it. His brain wasn’t exactly up for a conversation about the future of their friendship, but it was the only reply he would be satisfied with. They were going to make this work. Mikael was going to fall for some cute guy who was going to wait for him to be ready and be all romantic about it. And Even… Well Even was going to go to the bathroom first, and then he wasn’t going to miss first period, which would be an achievement in itself. 

So he did just that. He ruffled Mikael’s hair, realized he didn’t have time for a shower, and opted for brushing his teeth twice and splashing water onto his face. He told Mikael he loved him when he offered him breakfast on the way and Mikael didn’t lose his mind over it. 

Even realized his phone was dead shortly before they reached Bakka. It didn’t bother him too much, but only added to the annoyance he already felt at having to spend today in yesterday’s clothes with a massive hangover and smelling like beer. His head didn’t stop pounding as they walked, and Even groaned at Mikael when he was elbowed in the side by him and he swayed dangerously to the right. He was about to complain when he followed Mikael’s gaze and saw Sonja leaning against the wall near the large entrance door.


	21. Chapter 21

Sonja had graduated from Bakka last year. There was no reason for her to be here if it wasn’t for Even. She had drawn up the hood of her jacket and scanned the courtyard from underneath it like she was waiting for someone in particular. Even knew it was him. 

“Go ahead,” he told Mikael who sent him an unsure look. Even clearly remembered how he had spent last night whining about how he kept disappointing everyone, including Sonja. How he wanted to do right by her but somehow things never worked out the way he wanted them to. 

Even knew that it was him. That claiming anything other than that was lazy. Life didn’t just get in the way, Sonja simply wasn’t a priority to him anymore. But it still didn’t feel like a conscious choice whenever he ditched her yet again or let her down in other ways. Maybe, somewhere deep down, it was. He could put in more effort, could try harder. But on the surface, it felt like things just wouldn’t work out, no matter what he did. 

“You’re here,” he greeted her, refraining from leaning in for a kiss. Not because he didn’t want to, but because she would taste the alcohol on him regardless of how many times he had brushed his teeth, and she would smell the stink of the dirty bar in his hair. 

“You’re hungover,” she replied and pushed herself off of the wall to stand in front of him. “Did you go out last night?”

“I went to a bar. Look, I have class now, do you want me to come over later? I have a free period after lunch.” 

Even knew what was coming. Sonja didn’t look happy, and she had never kept him from going to class before. This was important to her, important enough to get it over with before her day really started, or maybe before she lost her momentum and she would give in to him yet again. Whatever her reasons were to show up at Bakka, Even didn’t want to hear it. If he could postpone this conversation, that’s what he was going to do.

“I need you now, Even, not after lunch. Come on, you have P.E. now, there’s no way you’d be of any use.” 

Of course she knew his timetable better than he did himself. And she was right. Even’s stomach turned over at the mere thought of running right now. It wasn’t missing a class that he was worried about though. It was the concerned look on her face, the sadness clinging to her features in a way that was infectious. 

“Yeah,” Even said as he ran out of excuses too quickly. As much as he wanted to, he knew he couldn’t avoid this. Around them, the last students entered the building and the courtyard was clearing out quickly. But Even still jerked his chin towards the main street from where they would reach the river in a matter of minutes. It was better than to be overheard by people or worse, to be spotted by his teachers. 

So they started walking, off campus and towards the little bridge that connected Bakka with the small park right behind it. 

“Don’t you have work today?” Even asked, although he knew that Sonja’s schedule was flexible.

“I swapped shifts,” she only said, and they were quiet again. Even was glad to be given a few moments to collect himself but he also knew that there was no way he’d be prepared for this. The last time they had talked he had thought he was ready to break up with her, but he wasn’t so sure anymore. 

“I’m sorry about yesterday. I know I suck at all of this, at making time for you and being there. It’s not what you deserve.” 

“It’s not,” Sonja easily agreed. “Look, I don’t want you to think that I’m suddenly all heart broken about you needing your space and not making plans or whatever. The reason why we worked out all these years is because I’m the same, I don’t hold that against you.” 

Even was glad she was saying this. At least whatever was coming didn’t mean that she suddenly looked back at all their time spent together and wished she could take it all back. Even definitely didn’t feel that way and he hoped that however they ended this, neither would she. 

“Then what changed?” He asked, not knowing exactly why he pushed this conversation forwards when really he wanted to run from it. They reached the bridge they had aimed for and came to a halt on top of it. 

“I’m not sure. Part of it is that I’m starting to think I want more than what we have. All the things we talked about this weekend, those weren’t just empty promises. I do want all of that, but I don’t think we can pull if off.” 

Even looked down into the dirty water. There was still ice melting at the river bank and he watched the stream take away bits of frozen patches. “What’s the other part?” 

He had been so sure it would be something like how he kept letting her down and she couldn’t do it anymore. She had already said that she had realized she deserved better than him. So he expected her to say something along the lines of how he just wasn’t good enough for her. What she said instead, made him look up in surprise. 

“I don’t want to be dating someone who is falling for someone else.” 

Even felt sober at once. “What?” 

He knew, of course, that it was true. But he didn’t know how Sonja knew, and hearing it from her also felt about 10 times scarier than knowing it somewhere deep down in his thoughts. 

“Isak,” she simply said. “You’re in love with him.” 

Even opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. He had known this already, but having the words thrown into his face was different. So different that they made his heart race with panic when he realized just how true they were. 

“Come on,” Sonja continued, taking his affronted silence as denial. “You live with him now. Which you didn’t tell me about by the way. You’ve disappeared on people before, but never to hang out with someone else 24/7. No one has seen you in two weeks when usually you come crying about how you’re bored at the guy’s house every other day. You care about him in a way that I never expected of you. When you left me on Sunday to be with him, I wasn’t even mad, I was just surprised. I never thought you would find enough time to really look at someone like that. Hell, you stare at his pictures on your phone when you’re in class. Don’t tell me that’s all just because of your weird fake-dating thing. And besides all of that, I saw you kiss him at New Years and really, I should have known then and there.” 

Even had always been quick to obsess over things. Hearing Sonja talk like that had him feeling like he had to somehow defend himself and make it clear to her that while all of these things might be true, they also didn’t feel like the usual temporary dedication he usually got hyped up about. But he wasn’t ready to do just that. If he did, he knew what he felt for Isak would turn from exciting to scary in a matter of seconds. So instead, he went somewhere else.

“So you do hang out with Mutta now. I thought it was just New Years but it’s not, is it?” 

Sonja didn’t look surprised by how he had gotten it. She wasn’t trying to lie to him or keep things from him. Otherwise she wouldn’t have told him about how she knew he had been browsing through Isak’s facebook account during class yesterday. Only Mutta would know that, as he had laughed at him for two hours straight. 

“It’s not. But it’s also not like we’re dating now and I’m ending things because of him. I’m interested in him, that’s all. And I don’t want to not go after it because I have a boyfriend who is in love with someone else.”

Even got it, of course he did. But he still had to close his eyes and take a deep breath when she said it so casually. He was in love with Isak. Fuck. He hadn’t fully realized it until she had been brave enough to say it out loud, and now here he was, realizing just how fucked up that was. How scary, and how painful it was going to be. 

“You can admit it, Even, I’m not mad at you. It’s not like we were ever going to get married and have 2.5 kids. We always knew this would happen, we can’t be scared of it now.”

There it was, the emotion Even had waited for the last time they had been together. When he had thought they were breaking up and she had smiled at him like it didn’t get to her. It did now that she realized what was going on too. Her eyes filled with tears and Even felt relief more than anything else. All he wanted was to know that they both still cared, that they didn’t end this and stopped talking or would feel bitter about it for the rest of their lives. 

He leaned in to rest his arms on top of Sonja’s shoulders, not daring to properly embrace her. They were not done talking here. But she smiled at him through her tears, and it made Even’s stomach drop. 

“You’re amazing,” he told her. “Thank you for putting up with me all these years.”

She gave a small laugh that was more of a scoff. “We both made this the messiest relationship it could have ever been, how many times do I need to tell you that wasn’t just you? Really, we’ll both be better off finding someone who’s not going to put up with all that shit we’ve put each other through.”

Even would have laughed at that, had his mind not immediately gone to Isak. As if Sonja could read his thoughts, she asked, tentatively: “Is Isak someone like that? He seems like he can handle you.”

Even dropped his gaze to the wooden bridge to his feet. There were little holes in the planks through which he could see the water running by. 

“I don’t think he wants a relationship,” he said quietly. It was the first time he talked to anyone about Isak and like he had anticipated, it felt heavy. “He’s not… I don’t know, he’s not into any of that. He didn’t feel a thing when we kissed. He’s kind of in love with his best friend, but not really. He doesn’t want him either. Dating someone means something different to Isak than it does to me, and I still haven’t found out what exactly.”

Sonja was quiet for a bit, wiped at her tears, and then took Even’s hand in hers. He felt like crying but somehow it didn’t happen.

“I think you should know what you want before you walk around complaining about how it’s not the same as what Isak wants,” she said. “And if you really are falling for him then don’t deny yourself that just because you might have to have a conversation or two about how it would work.” 

“I am,” Even nodded, feeling the need to finally say it out loud. “I really am in love with him.”

He refrained from adding ‘fuck’. It wasn’t just a matter of talking to Isak and asking him if maybe, potentially, he’d be into sucking Even’s dick. Being with Isak made Even question everything he thought he knew about relationships. Sonja was right in saying that Even had no idea what he wanted himself.

When he had first met Isak, he had thought that it was easy. Now he had no clue anymore. If someone were to ask him whether he wanted to spend a lifetime fighting with Sonja but having good sex in between, or a lifetime of happiness with Isak without ever taking him to bed, he wouldn’t know what to choose. He didn’t know anymore whether getting his dick up for someone was really the only indicator of attraction. 

He didn’t know whether he could potentially be with Isak and never go any further than kissing. But he also didn’t feel as opposed to it as he had the first time they had talked about these things. Back at the cabin, when Even’s mind had been blown by Isak claiming he was in love with Jonas but didn’t feel attracted to him. He still couldn’t relate to that but he was starting to wonder if he could still be with Isak even if he never felt that way about Even either. If nothing ever changed and they simply called what they had now a relationship. 

What they had was still more than he had ever felt with anyone else. Did it really matter that they didn’t also get off with each other? 

“He’s confusing me,” he admitted to Sonja. “There’s so many things I never thought about.” 

“That’s good. At least he’s challenging you to be more than you are now. And you want that, right? We couldn’t be that for each other, but I really hope that Isak can help you move on from all of this. It’s time for us to stop messing around with each other.”

As much as it hurt and as much as it scared him, Even nodded. For the first time, it didn’t feel like they were simply taking a break or breaking up with each other for a month. It was the first time that Even felt the same way as when he was with Isak even though they weren’t together right now. Like he was dropping a gigantic weight that had taken up too much space on his shoulders.

This was going to make things easier. He had to keep telling himself that so that he wouldn’t let the fear of being on his own consume him. 

“What about Mutta?” he asked. Out of all the guys, Mutta had always been the one he had the loosest individual friendship with. He knew him as part of the group but not on his own. 

“I don’t know,” Sonja shrugged. “Let’s see where it goes.” 

“Sounds good,” Even said. He leaned in to kiss her forehead and lingered there for a second, thinking back to all those times he had done this. They were really over now. For good. 

“You should go and talk to Isak.” Sonja was done crying now. She placed her hands on his chest as if to tell him he should go now. 

“He’s at Nissen now. Studying hard, drinking enough water, having some fruit. He’s amazing like that.” 

Even had never actually seen Isak eat fruit, and he knew for a fact that Isak drank red bull like a maniac, but it didn’t taint the picture he had of him in his head. His completely and utterly perfect Isak. What the hell was he going to do about him?


	22. Chapter 22

It was at once the longest and the shortest day of school Even had ever sat through. It was the longest because he was incredibly tired, his phone was dead and couldn’t keep him awake during and in between classes, and he had to stay longer than usual for some early russ meeting he had signed up for together with the guys. It was the shortest because he had already missed two periods by the time he finally entered the building, and he kept falling asleep for short periods of time when no one was paying him any attention. 

By the time he was done at Bakka the sun was already gone and it would be dark soon. Even hated the long, Scandinavian winters he had to go through every year, but at least he was too tired to get worked up over the weather today. He drew up his hood and walked home as soon as the guys finally hugged him good bye after the meeting.

He was also too tired to do much thinking. After his talk with Sonja, he had stored the memories of her tears and their breakup somewhere in his brain to sift through later and had fallen into autopilot mode to make it through the day. Mikael had asked him what Sonja had wanted of course, but he had waved it off. He would know that they had broken up yet again, that much was probably obvious.

Even’s head still ached and he felt cold all over from not having gotten enough sleep and being hungover when he finally reached the flat. The lights were on in both his bedroom and the living room, so Isak was definitely home. Even wanted to smile at the prospect of seeing him as he climbed up the stairs, and his excitement definitely outweighed his nerves, but there was also something nagging at him now. Something that kept telling him that what he felt was not being reciprocated, and that he had to protect himself now before it was too late. 

Even shoved those thoughts away with everything else and instead concentrated on getting his backup key, that he now used permanently, into the keyhole without falling asleep. But just as he managed to do so, the door was pulled open from the inside. He stumbled forwards, startled by the abrupt motion, and let go of his keys in surprise. 

When Even’s eyes caught up with the sudden movement and he was able to take in Isak’s face, he immediately felt like he had missed something. Isak had one hand on the doorknob and halted the other in mid air to keep from reaching out to Even. There was a lot going on on his face and Even struggled to read it all. 

There was definitely anger. Isak was furious with him for whatever reason. But the way he had been about to reach for him and how his eyebrows were drawn together as he ran his eyes up and down Even’s body also suggested worry or relief. Either or, Even couldn’t tell. But while he himself was too tired to think too hard about his emotions, Isak seemed to be riled up about something. 

“Where the fuck have you been?” he blurted out, and it took Even a moment to remember when they had last seen each other and what he had told Isak about where he would go. Had he promised Isak anything? Had he told him last night, when he had left the flat, that he would be back in ten?

“I went to a bar and stayed over at Mikael’s. Then I was at Bakka,” he said slowly as he mentally retraced his steps to find the point where he had evidently messed up. 

Isak let out a huff of breath. Then he pushed himself off of the door he was still holding and turned around in a sharp movement, turning away from Even. Even could see that he was breathing hard by the way his shoulder blades rose and fell. 

“You couldn’t have let me know? Since when do you not know how to text?” Isak was facing away from him but Even could still tell that he was trying hard to stay calm. 

“My phone died,” he replied uselessly. He stepped into the flat and closed the door behind him but stayed right where he was otherwise. “I’m sorry.” 

Had he known Isak expected him to text, he would have found a way. But he hadn’t thought Isak would be be this hung up on where he was or what he was doing. Not at all. It had only been one night. Even usually stayed over at other people’s places at least three times a week. 

Isak still didn’t turn around and Even didn’t know what to do. He dropped his bag to the floor slowly, as if moving too fast would somehow upset Isak even more. 

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I’ll let you know next time.”

He could see how Isak took a deep breath before he turned around to face him again. 

“I’m overreacting,” Isak said quietly, but his voice was quivering. “I’m trying not to, you can do whatever you want. Just fucking text me next time.” 

Even nodded and then watched as Isak stepped into his space. His own heart was beating fast at the sight of how upset he was. Even didn’t remember the last time he had been expected to let anyone know where he was or what he was up to, and realizing Isak cared about those things made him feel at once delighted and frustrated with just how much affection he felt for him right there and then. Something inside him ached when he understood that Isak had been worried about him. He couldn’t comprehend the feeling right away, and he knew even less how to react to it. So he simply watched Isak come closer and wrinkle up his nose when they were stood right in front of each other. 

“You smell,” Isak stated. “Does Mikael not have a shower?” 

Even didn’t feel like laughing. “I didn’t mean to worry you,” he insisted. “I didn’t know.” 

Isak placed one of his hands on Even’s chest and kept his eyes on it when he spoke. “You don’t need to change for me. You don’t need to text me and let me know where you are and coordinate your day with me or whatever. I know you need your space, I don’t want you to feel like you’re trapped with me.” 

“I don’t want space, Isak,” Even shook his head. It felt dangerously close to confessing more of the things he was starting to understand about them. “You feel like home to me.” 

Isak didn’t look up and Even couldn’t see his face. The only reaction to his words that was visible to him came in the form of Isak balling up his hand to a fist against his chest. Part of the fabric of his shirt got tangled up between his fingers and it felt strangely like Isak was holding on to him. 

“Take a shower,” Isak whispered. “You smell like beer.” 

He was ending this conversation and Even wished he understood why. But he wasn’t too upset about it. A shower did sound like heaven, and he knew that if they kept talking, he would end up taking Isak’s face in his hands to kiss him. His whole body ached with how badly he wanted Isak to understand just how much he felt for him. And at the same time, a part of his brain scolded him for thinking that kissing Isak was the only way to accomplish that. Even had always shown his affection with his body, but now he desperately wished there was another way that he knew about. 

While he was thinking about what Isak might need, what he could do that didn’t involve his lips or Isak’s collarbone that stood out tantalizingly from underneath the collar of his his long sleeved sweater, or his hands burying themselves in Isak’s soft hair, Isak moved to push his sweater jacket off of his shoulders. He did it slowly, like he was thinking too hard about was he was doing, but Even still couldn’t keep up. He helped shrugging the heavy fabric off of his arms and then flinched when Isak’s hands pushed underneath the hem of his t-shirt. 

Isak looked up at him then, as he ran his hands over Even’s abdomen and up his chest, lifting his shirt up until it bulged up underneath his arms. There was a question in his eyes that made Even nod out of instinct, but there was also a hint of uncertainty. He looked nervous, and even though Even didn’t understand where he was going with this, he still gave him his best reassuring smile when he followed Isak’s lead and lifted his arms over his head to let him take off his shirt. 

The second it fell to the floor, Isak’s eyes were glued to his chest yet again. Even’s skin burned underneath his heavy stare, and he realized just how dark and intense Isak’s eyes had become. He had no idea what they were doing, but he wasn’t about to stop it. Instead, he placed his right hand in Isak’s hair, waiting for any sign of discomfort that would make him pull back again, but Isak quietly hummed with approval.

He let his hand play with Isak’s curls, twisting them around his thumb and carding his spread fingers through them. Isak’s hand on his chest came as a surprise to him and he sucked in a sharp breath when he felt cold fingers pressing against his abs. Isak’s hand froze and he lifted his head to look at him. Again, Even nodded. He had never ached for anyone’s touch the way he now did for Isak’s. Regardless of how they had kissed before, how Isak had been sat on his lap while they had been putting on a show for Eva and Jonas, this felt a thousand times more intimate.

They were alone now, Even realized. They were alone and Isak’s fingers still traced his chest as he ran them down to his belly button and back up to his collarbone. Even couldn’t remember ever being touched like this. There was no rush to it, no next step that they were working towards. This was enough, he thought. It felt the same way everything with Isak felt. Like he didn’t have to think any further, he was content just closing his eyes and concentrating on the feeling of Isak’s fingertips exploring his happy trail now. 

Even lowered his hands to Isak’s neck and he could feel the goosebumps there. Isak shuddered at his touch and let out a little huff of breath that shot a rush of desire through Even. It made him stop the downwards journey of his hands and he decided to stay right there, curling his fingers in the back of Isak’s neck and scratching his nails over his skin ever so lightly. 

Isak had lowered his gaze again and was now staring at his hands as he dipped his fingers underneath the band of his jeans only just. Even could feel him pulling at the button, undoing it, and his entire body tensed up in anticipation. He knew that Isak could see what this did to him, how he was tenting his jeans, and the fact that he kept going regardless of it made Even smile into his hair. 

He breathed Isak in as he tried to comprehend the fact that he had gone from being scared about Even making a move on him to deliberately turning Even on. Or maybe it wasn’t about that. Maybe Isak simply knew that they could ignore this, that Even wouldn’t push it, and that thought made Even smile even more.

He moved his index finger to where Isak’s pulse was beating hard, the blood rushing through his veins in much the same way as Even felt. When he pressed his fingertip against the spot where he could feel Isak’s heartbeat, Isak let out a low moan, the vibrations of which Even could feel at his throat, and suddenly his hands were gone. Even dropped his in an instant, following the silent demand for space. 

They were both breathing hard and Even’s head was spinning. It was the first time that he could tell Isak was affected by him, by feeling his hands on his body, by touching him. It was new and Even struggled to take all of it in, to fully appreciate every detail of how Isak was flushed and shivering just slightly. It was so much, and Even felt so overwhelmed with it that he couldn’t understand how he had ever gone further with anyone else before. Not when this simple act of undressing and these innocent touches could be this much, this charged. He didn’t think he would grow tired of it. They could be doing this forever without moving on.

“Go shower,” Isak told him. His voice was low but sure. His hands twitched at his sides and for a second Even thought he was going to take off his jeans as well and undress him fully, but then he took a step back. Even could only nod. He wasn’t ready to move just yet. 

“I’m glad you came back,” he heard Isak say, and it felt like really he was saying so much more. The words felt like a final caress and Even’s heart skipped a beat when he replayed them in his mind.

He watched Isak disappear into the bedroom and heard the door to the balcony being opened a second later. It was only then that he gathered himself and walked into the bathroom, his knees weak and his head spinning. When he looked at himself in the mirror he was surprised for a second that the lines Isak had traced on his chest weren’t visible on his skin. 

Even stared at his own reflection for a bit, running over the last 24 hours in his head, and he had to close his eyes against the waves of emotions that overcame him. He knew he had to somehow find a way to let them all happen. But for now, he brushed his teeth and then took off the rest of his clothes before he stepped into the shower. He stopped yet again at the sight of the undone button of his jeans. Isak had done this. 

The more Even thought about it, the more he realized that maybe he had been premature in his judgement of Isak. He hadn’t really tried to understand the intricate layers of his attraction and had instead walked around complaining about how he was difficult. He thought back to what Sonja had said to him, about how he needed to have a conversation with Isak, and suddenly it seemed like the easiest thing in the world to just ask him again. Isak had never shut him down before, the way Even had claimed he had. He just hadn’t asked a lot of questions and had instead reminded Isak over and over again how what he felt was weird and how Even couldn’t follow. 

What if they wanted the same thing after all and had been heading towards it all along? 

Even tried to be quick in the shower, but he was too tired to be efficient without taking his time. By the time he exited the bathroom he expected Isak to be back inside, but he was still out on the balcony. Even could see him when he entered the bedroom to grab some fresh clothes. He was facing away from Even, both of his hands braced on the handrail, his upper body leaning over it slightly to watch the street far below. 

Even put on sweatpants, socks, and a thick sweater and stepped outside to join him. The air was clear and cold, and the quiet outside suggested it was later in the day than it actually was. It had turned dark outside by now, and Even could easily see into the living rooms and kitchens of his neighbors where people were making dinner. He realized he was starving but it could wait for now. 

When Isak turned to look at him, he immediately rolled his eyes. 

“Your hair is all wet, do you want to die?”

“So dramatic,” Even smiled. “You’ve been out here for way longer, you’d freeze first.” 

Isak gestured down at the two sweaters he had put on. One of them was definitely Even’s. “You have nice warm things. I’ll be fine.” 

Even wanted to joke about how maybe, now that Isak had quite a lot of clothes here, he could wear his own things instead, but he didn’t want to risk Isak taking him seriously. He loved seeing him in his things, and he loved it even more to put them of afterwards and to catch a fading hint of his smell clinging to the fabric. 

He moved to stand next to Isak at the balustrade and eyed his hand that gripped the handrail for a moment before settling his own on top of it. Isak’s skin was freezing cold against his touch and Even stoked his thumb over the backside of his hand out of instinct in an attempt to warm him up a bit. But Isak pulled his hand away and pushed it into the front pocket of his hoodie instead. 

Even frowned. How was undressing a yes but holding hands a no? 

“What?” he asked, hoping Isak would get it without him having to elaborate on how heartbroken he felt by being denied this simple touch. 

Isak didn’t answer him right away, he only pushed his other hand into his pocket as well and interlaced his fingers with each other, almost like he had to physically keep himself from reaching out to Even. 

“You’re with Sonja,” he eventually said. “It’s wrong.” 

So that’s where his mind had gone while Even had thought about how they were going to proceed from here and had gotten his hopes up yet again. Even had forgotten that despite what had just happened between them and how it had definitely been more than just a casual interaction between roommates (really, it hadn’t ever been just that), Isak was still disappointed in him about Sonja. It was why Even had ended up in that bar last night in the first place. 

He felt stupid when he had to admit: “We broke up again. It lasted for a whole two days.”

Isak turned his head towards him at that. “Really?” 

Like Even would ever lie to him. He gave him a look that said just that and Isak nodded in form of an apology.

“I mean, have you really broken up? Or did you just fight or, I don’t know, what do you usually do?”

“Really,” Even said. “For good. Nothing is gonna come of it, you were right.”

“I never said that,” Isak protested immediately. “It’s not up to me to decide, anyway. Whatever you do is fine.” 

Even gave a short laugh. He didn’t mean to say what he did, but it still came out. “I can tell you’re disappointed in me. You always said I’m easy.”

Isak turned around to him completely then. He studied him for a long moment before he reached out for his hand. His fingers wrapped around Even’s on the handrail, still cold but not as much so. 

“You talk like I have it all figured out,” he mumbled. “I never meant you’re easy, as in you’re doing something wrong or you’re with too many people. I can’t believe how easy it is for you to be into people, and it amazes me, that’s all. It’s not a bad thing and I don’t judge you for the way you deal with it. I know you think that I do, maybe because I felt so strongly about Eva cheating, I don’t know. But I know I was too hard on her, and I know you’re trying, okay?” 

Even took a deep breath. Here it was, the conversation he had wanted. He took his hand off the balustrade in order to properly intertwine his fingers with Isak’s. He turned to face him, needing to see his face when they finally talked about this, but before he could say anything, Isak was in his space yet again, their faces almost touching.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so nervous about this one, please continue to be kind xxx

Even’s breath caught when he realized just how close they were. They weren’t touching other than where their hands held on to each other tightly, but Even felt Isak’s presence all over like he was wrapped up in him entirely. 

Isak looked up at him almost expectantly, as if he was waiting for something, but Even stood frozen in place. He didn’t want to ruin this by making the wrong choice. He still hadn’t asked Isak to explain to him yet again what he wanted. He didn’t know, and he was done assuming things about him and coming to conclusions Isak had never confirmed or denied. So he waited while his heart beat fast in his chest, stupidly hopeful of what was about to happen. 

They were alone, he reminded himself. If they did this now, it would mean so much more than anything that had happened between them before. It would change everything. And Even wanted it to. He craved Isak’s lips on his so badly it hurt. He felt like maybe he would die if he never got to kiss him again. But he swallowed hard and kept waiting. 

Isak lifted his head then, he wasn’t that much shorter than him, and his lips grazed Even’s for just a second. They still didn’t touch but Even could feel his hot breath on his face now. 

“I want to kiss you,” Isak finally said, quietly enough for Even to almost miss it. The words brushed against Even’s lips in the form of warmth and he chased them, leaning forward the last bit to catch Isak’s upper lip between his. 

It wasn’t like the last times they had done this. Not even close. Whenever they had kissed in the past, Even’s mind had been occupied with thoughts about what was going to happen next. He had wanted to make Isak moan against his lips, had wanted them to just be alone with each other already and go further and further and further. He had spent all his time wondering if Isak would ever want that. It was stupid. Now, all he could think of was that it didn’t matter what happened next. All he wanted was for time to stop.

Isak kissed him back slowly, his lips wet and warm against his while the cold bit into their exposed skin. Even didn’t dare to lift his arms to touch him so he left them hanging uselessly at his sides. He couldn’t help but sigh when Isak licked at his lower lip, carefully, like he was just as conscious of how this was so very different from before. Even squeezed his hand in encouragement and Isak moved a bit closer to him so that their bodies almost touched. 

Even could feel that it was different for Isak, too. This wasn’t the execution of their carefully mapped out plan to make anyone believe anything. Isak’s lips were moving against his less perfectly now, trembling against his, his breath hitching when Even dragged his teeth over his lower lip. Even loved it all, every single reaction he got from Isak, the way his body was radiating the approval and affirmations Even so badly needed.

Still, Isak was the first to pull away. He blinked a few times, his mouth hanging open almost as if in disbelief. Even couldn’t keep himself from leaning right back in to kiss him again. He lifted his hands to Isak’s face now, the fingers of his left still intertwined with Isak’s, and pressed his lips against his hard. It was short, but it had Isak gasping against his open mouth and he chased Even’s lips when he pulled back again. 

“Fuck,” he breathed, his eyes wide. “Even.” 

Even couldn’t help it. He moved towards him, peppering his face with kisses, heating up his ice cold skin. He could feel Isak shivering against him and he didn’t know whether it was the cold or more than that. His unsteady breathing was loud in Even’s ear when he kissed Isak’s cheeks, his jaw, the corner of his mouth. He needed to touch him, to feel him, to make this last forever. But Isak placed a hand on his chest again. 

“Slow down,” he panted, and Even froze. Shit. 

“Sorry, sorry,” he said, his blood thrumming loudly in his own ears. To his relief, Isak smiled at him. It was a wide, disbelieving smile that made his eyes glow. 

“Fuck,” he repeated. “I want to, I just… Slow down. Please. Slow down.” 

Even nodded, and he cursed himself when he saw how Isak’s lower lip began to quiver. The smile fell from his face quickly and he only looked mind blown now, incomprehension clearly visible on his face. 

“Yeah,” Even rushed to say. “Of course, yeah. Sorry.” 

“Stop apologizing,” Isak said. He swallowed hard. “You’re good. I just gotta wrap my head around this.”

Even did’t know where to start. So he stated the obvious. “You have all the time in the world. I’m not going anywhere.”

Apparently it wasn’t obvious to Isak, as his eyes began to shine. He moved in to wrap his arms around Even’s waist, holding on to him tightly, and Even let out a deep breath. For a moment he had thought he had fucked it up. But here they were, holding on to each other, letting their breathing calm down.

After a while, the cold crept underneath their sweaters despite their shared body heat. They were both trembling with it and the warm bed looked a lot more inviting than the balcony. So they pulled away, and Even smiled when Isak leaned up to him to place a short kiss on his lips before he went inside. Even followed him and they got comfortable underneath their blankets. Neither of them bothered to turn on the lights and so the room was only dimly lit from the street lights and the bright windows on the other side of the street. 

There was so much that Even wanted to talk about, needed to finally say, that he couldn’t decide what to start with. He was still thinking, sorting through his thoughts, when Isak broke the silence first. 

“I still mean everything I said,” he blurted out like he needed to get it off his chest before they said or did anything else. “I’m not sure if I ever want to sleep with you. I’m not sure what I’m comfortable with. And I need to know that you know that.” 

Even forced himself to take his time when he replied. Saying ‘yes’ without thinking about it wouldn’t do either of them any good. So he made sure he meant it when he said: “I know. We’re gonna have to talk about this. But I know. And I still want it.”

He didn’t know what ‘it’ meant yet, but he didn’t think Isak did either. As long as it involved just what he had right now, Isak in his space, his taste still lingering on his lips, Even would be happy. 

Isak hummed in agreement. Then he asked: “Are you sure you’re done with Sonja? With Mikael?”

This wasn’t something Even had to think about. “I am. I could feel it today when I talked to Sonja, I feel it every time I’m with you. It’s not something I wanna do anymore. I still care and it’s not like I can just forget everything that happened and jump into this, but it’s in the past.” 

“Okay,” Isak said. “I need you to be sure.” 

“I am,” Even repeated. Then he reached for Isak’s hand and took it in his again. It was still cold and Even kissed the dry skin on his knuckles before he finally got around to saying what he had planned to do earlier. “Can you tell me again? What it feels like for you, what you want. I want to understand, but I need you to explain it again.” 

Isak kissed him before he replied. Short and sweet, but it still made Even’s lips tingle. 

“I had no idea myself until I talked to Eskild,” Isak started. “I was so damn confused, it wasn’t fun. He was the one who told me about demisexuality. He changed things for me.”

It was the last thing Even had needed to understand Isak and Eskild’s relationship. It made sense now. Isak had told him before that Eskild had been helpful, but he hadn’t known just how much so. 

“Tell me about it,” he said. He thought he knew what it meant, but he wasn’t sure. And anyway, he wanted to hear it from Isak.

“I do feel sexual attraction, but not for people I am not close to. Which doesn’t mean I’m attracted to everyone I like, not at all. It’s just that I can’t tell when I meet someone, if I could potentially be into them. I always think that I might be, once I get to know them better. But most people don’t wait around for that.”

Even couldn’t help it, his thoughts went to Jonas. Jonas who was definitely close to Isak, whom Isak had called attractive before, whom he had once wanted to kiss. 

“Jonas?” he only asked. He needed Isak to talk right now. 

Isak sighed, but his lips also stretched into a slow smile. “You’ve made me realize a lot about Jonas, you know?” 

Even raised an eyebrow at him and kissed his knuckles again before he stroked over them and dipped his fingertips into the gaps between Isak’s fingers. 

“I trust Jonas. He’s always been my best friend, and lately I caught myself thinking that if I had to choose, I would choose him. Like, if I had to make out with someone, he’d be my first choice. And I always knew how much he meant to me emotionally. I just got hung up on that, on the simple fact that he was an option. But it feels so different with you. I thought I was attracted to Jonas because the interest was there, but now I know what it can feel like. And it’s nothing like Jonas, nothing. I love him, but that’s just because he’s my best friend. There’s nothing else there, I just wanted it to be. I clung to that little bit of hope because I just wanted to finally experience all these things everyone talks about. I thought that’s what attraction feels like, but now I know it’s not.” 

It took a while util Isak’s words made it through to Even. He would still need to think this over to really understand. But it made sense for now. The last part also made him smile stupidly. 

“You’re attracted to me,” he repeated. 

“Yes, stupid,” Isak laughed. “I thought you had gotten that. You’re overwhelming in all the best ways. If it feels like this for you every time you see someone hot I feel so sorry for you.” 

Even laughed at that. He touched Isak’s face, tracing his dimples in the dark. “But seriously. You’re attracted to me?”

“Yes,” Isak repeated. “Definitely. Big time. But I never explored anything beyond this, I can’t tell you what it’s going to be like. There are things that I know I want to do, but there’s a lot more that I’m unsure about. It’s hard to know what you’d potentially be into and how far you’d go if it’s all just theory in your head.” 

“I get that,” Even said. “You don’t have to know.” 

He could feel Isak’s smile fading after a while in which they laid in silence. Even turned Isak’s words over in his head, biting down on all those new questions that came to him. He would get to ask them all, he knew, but there was also a lot he wanted to think on first. When Isak spoke again, it startled him a little even though his voice was barely more than a whisper. 

“I’m scared you’re saying yes to everything now because you’re not prepared for me to actually say no. What if we do this and you think you can live with it, but after a few months you grow bored with kissing? I’m not just choosing to wait or to not do certain things, it could be that I genuinely don’t ever want them.” 

Even didn’t know what to say to that. He pretended to consider his words for a bit when really his mind was blank. In the end, he said: “Neither of us can say now what we’re gonna want in a few months. I think we have to accept that. Right now, I really really think I would be okay with there being limits. I can’t promise you anything else.”

He could tell how serious Isak was about this, and so he kissed him again, slowly. And Isak kissed him back just as slow. He sighed and Even pulled him in closer at the back of his head until their bodies were touching only just. 

“You said there are things you know you want to do,” he started, trying to distract Isak from his heavy thoughts. “Like what?” 

Isak’s smile was slow, but it was there. Pressing against Even’s lips, allowing his breath to ghost over Even’s skin yet again. Even kept their faces close together but refrained from kissing him again. Their noses touched, they lay like they were one, with hardly any space between them. Even snuck his hand underneath Isak’s blanket and let it rest on his side, over his sweater. 

“Lots of things,” Isak finally said, vaguely. But he was smiling as he did so, playing along with Even’s distraction and his plan to leave behind their serious conversation for now. He wasn’t shutting him down, so Even asked again. 

“Like what?” 

He pushed his thumb underneath Isak’s sweater and let it run over the smooth skin of his hipbone. He had touched him there before, over his clothes, and probably in the hot tub when his hands had been all over Isak, but it had never made Isak’s breath hitch before. Even had also never before paid attention to it like this. 

“This?” he asked, and Isak hummed quietly. So he did it again and began to slowly explore Isak’s stomach, his narrow hips and the soft hair below his belly button. It was the mere promise of a happy trail but Even loved it either way, and he trailed his fingers along it until Isak let out a shuddering breath. 

“I want to...” Isak began, but he bit his own lip on a quiet moan when Even’s fingers reached the band of his boxers and jeans. Even stilled his movement and brushed his nose against Isak’s again in encouragement. His heart was beating so loudly, he swore they could both hear it. “I want to kiss your neck.”

Even immediately tilted his head back and rested it against the pillow. He didn’t think there was anything he didn’t want Isak to do to him. He mentally prepared himself for Isak to tease him about his eagerness, to say something along the lines of him being easy again, but he didn’t. He just moved in and pressed his lips to Even’s neck lightly. Even closed his eyes against the darkness, the feeling of Isak’s hot mouth sucking lightly at his skin paired with how his hair brushed against his chin was overwhelming.

“Can I bite you?” 

Even could hardly hear the words Isak whispered into his neck but he groaned and nodded hastily, his hand grasping at the sheet underneath him. He couldn’t help it when his hips shot up the second Isak’s teeth scraped his skin. Isak’s body was right there, and Even found himself pressing against his narrow hips for just a second, his mouth falling open at the sensation. But Isak’s hand was there in a heartbeat to push him back into the mattress and hold him down. His lips never left his neck though, and Even could feel him suck at his skin hard and bite down on it in response to feeling Even’s hard dick press against him. Even hoped it would bruise. 

Isak let go too quickly and Even automatically buried his fingers in his hair to keep him there when he pulled back. He found Isak’s lips again and he loved nothing more than the smile that he tasted on them. He smiled back. 

“Does this make you hard?” he whispered, biting at Isak’s lower lip teasingly. Isak let out a quiet laugh and he buried his face in Even’s neck again, almost shyly. 

“Yeah?” he half asked. It almost killed Even. He moaned and pushed his head back further into the pillow, hoping Isak would go back to kissing his neck. “But I don’t need to do anything about it. Not now.” 

The way Isak said it sounded a lot like he needed Even to reassure him he knew. So Even did. He told Isak just that, told him over and over again that he could trust him, that they wouldn’t go where Isak didn’t want to go, and it felt like the only thing Even had ever really believed in. He wanted to be exactly who he was when he was with Isak. He wanted everything he offered him and nothing more. For once in his life, he felt like everything was enough.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU!!

Isak definitely knew what Even was doing when he got up some time later and vanished into the bathroom for too long. Even knew he knew by the way he blushed as he laughed and buried his face in the pillows, rolling onto his stomach. He didn’t want to ask if maybe Isak was going to do the same as soon as he was alone. He didn’t need to know, even though he wondered, but the thought of it was definitely on his mind as he got himself off almost desperately. 

When Isak told him later at night, speaking into the dark, that Even didn’t necessarily have to leave the next time, that listening to him as he touched himself was definitely on the list of things he wanted to do, Even grew hard again in an instant. He could hear Isak chuckle as his breathing stopped altogether at his words, but he kept his hands above the blanket. They weren’t there yet, he knew. 

It was hard to fall asleep after Isak spent hours whispering into his ear about all the things that he wanted to try. Things that made Even’s skin tingle in anticipation, and his balls ached by the time Isak started to move even closer and softly bite his neck in between his heated confessions. But Even was tired after having hardly slept at all the night before, and eventually, he drifted off even before Isak did. 

But no matter how exhausted he was, he didn’t manage to sleep through the night this time. He woke up about half an hour before Isak’s early alarm would go off and felt wide awake the second he opened his eyes. Isak still snored softly on his side of the bed, his back turned towards Even and his blanket drawn up all the way to his nose. 

Even knew he should let Isak sleep. He busied himself on his phone for a few minutes, checking his emails and texts, but his morning wood was more distracting than usual, and his mind was spinning with everything that had happened last night. He dropped his phone somewhere in the sheets and moved towards Isak’s side of the bed and underneath his blanket. He probably wouldn’t mind being woken up a few minutes earlier than usual. 

Isak’s body was warm and soft and Even sighed when he buried his face in the crook of his neck. He still couldn’t quite believe how this was real. He kissed him just because he could, that little bit of exposed skin between his collarbone and his neck, and Isak hummed softly as he woke up. 

“What are you doing?” he asked sleepily, but Even could tell that he was smiling into his pillow like an idiot. 

“Waking up my boyfriend.” 

Isak’s reaction was more violent than Even had expected. He let out a low moan and his mouth fell open as if Even had just pushed his hand down his boxers. His knuckles turned white where he held on to his sheets tightly and Even’s dick jumped at the sight of how his entire body seemed to react to what he had said.

“Fuck,” Isak whispered, and Even leaned forward to continue his trail of kisses on his jaw while sneaking his arm around his waist and pulling him in just a little bit closer. “You can’t say shit like that this early.”

“Boyfriend?” Even repeated as he pushed the tips of his fingers underneath the band of Isak’s boxers with no intention of going any further. The way Isak gasped and how his stomach muscles contracted in reaction to his touch had Even moaning in response. 

They had fallen asleep on edge, with all those whispered promises hanging in the air between them, and it took no time at all to make Even feel like they had made out for hours. It didn’t help that Isak was shivering in his arms, his breathing irregular and his skin hot against his touch. Even had thought about this for weeks, and now he didn’t know how to take it all in, how to understand that this was Isak wanting him, Isak’s body arching towards his and Isak turning his head so that he could find Even’s lips and cover them with his own. 

They were going slow, Even told himself. They had literally only talked about this yesterday, how there were still boundaries and things they needed to talk about, and so much time ahead of them that they could make use of. There was no rush. But Even had to press his fingers against the skin of Isak’s lower stomach almost roughly to keep himself from sliding his hand down lower and taking him in his hand, making him moan and push his hips up urgently into his hand.

Right in this second it didn’t feel like Isak would push him off. He knew that he would find him hard in his boxers, had no doubt about it, and knowing that all he needed to do was move his fingers just that little bit further down to feel just how much he wanted this, drove Even insane. 

“Isak,” he gasped when they broke apart for air, his entire body tense with how much he needed to hold himself back from pushing his hips forward and against Isak’s ass. It would be so easy. He could just let go, let his hand slip lower and press himself against his hot body, and it would be over in no time for either of them, he knew. 

“Even,” Isak said back, his voice rough. “What are you doing?” It wasn’t a real question, more an expression of wonder, followed by yet another moan when Even reconnected their lips sloppily. “Feels so good, so good, Even,” he rambled, their lips still touching, his words merely audible. 

Even was gonna die like this. Listening to Isak say his name that way, hearing him talk like this. He slowly, so very slowly, moved his index finger lower. Isak’s body grew tense, but not in a bad way. He was anticipating this, biting his own lip now, his eyes squeezed shut. Even could feel his heart beating fast and he knew they should stop, he knew neither of them was thinking rationally right now. But he couldn’t. Not until Isak told him to. 

The tip of his finger found the head of Isak’s dick. He was rock hard in his boxers, pointing proudly upwards, straining towards Even’s hand. He was leaking. Isak’s entire body convulsed at the feeling of Even brushing against him ever so lightly, a mere second of a teasing touch. He pushed himself back against Even’s front then, pressing their bodies together tightly and trapping Even’s erection between them. 

Even moaned, unable to keep himself from moving with him and pushing forwards, fucking finally, seeking that friction of Isak rubbing against him. The sudden movement of Isak’s hips made Even’s hand slip out of his boxers again and he rubbed the precome that coated his index finger into his lower stomach in a teasing circle as he pushed forwards again, his eyes falling shut in pleasure. 

Isak pushed back against him, meeting his thrusts, mumbling something incoherent against his lips. They should stop now. They should stop. But Even couldn’t. He followed the tight skin below Isak’s belly button lower again and Isak’s breath hitched. Even could tell that he wanted this, there was no doubt in his mind about that. Isak pushed back again, a bit harder this time, but he also seemed to strain forward to where Even’s fingers trailed lower, pushing underneath his boxers yet again. 

The sound of the alarm startled them both and they jumped, the movement pressing them together too roughly for a second and Even bit Isak’s lip to keep himself from coming. He could feel the rush of it dangerously close for a second, but then Isak moved away from him just slightly as he shifted to reach for his phone. 

He turned off the alarm and let his head fall back onto his pillow with a groan. There was space between them now and Even was at once glad for it and mad at every inch that separated them. His head was spinning and he covered his eyes with with his forearm and took a deep breath. He knew Isak was doing the same thing, just breathing deeply next to him. Even could hear how he was failing. 

“You’ll ruin me,” Isak said quietly. “I’ll just die if you keep this up.”

“Me?” Even laughed. “I can’t even look at you right now or I’ll come in my pants.” 

Isak was quiet for long enough that Even moved his arm to look at him after all. He was turned towards Even, his cheeks rosy and his eyes glowing. It wasn’t the bad kind of silence then. Just more desperate want and the need for this to continue. Even could read it on Isak’s face so easily now, it blew his mind. He had to look away or he knew there was no way he was going to be able to get up and ignore just how hard he was, how close he had been to losing it. 

“You can have the shower first, I need a moment,” Isak said and it made Even smirk. 

“Oh trust me, I need one too. But the shower is good.” 

Isak kind of groaned and it sounded like something between embarrassment and laughter. “Not for that. I need a moment to get you out of my head or I won’t make it through the day.” 

Even laughed at that. “Well mine is definitely for that,” he said easily and forced himself to get up. He could feel Isak’s eyes on him, on the bulge in his boxers, and it made his heart race. For a moment he wished he had thought of offering the shower to Isak first so he could have watched him get up instead. It still thrilled him to think of Isak wanting him. Seeing it like that would probably kill his brain for a good while. 

He made his way into the bathroom yet again, and even though he didn’t really need yet another shower, it was just easier to get himself off in there. He came to the simple thought of Isak whispering his name, Isak being into him, pushing himself against him. The feeling of his dick leaking over his hand.

Even still thought he could do this without ever going any further. As long as they could be open about it like this, as long as Isak wouldn’t mind him brining himself off and not lying about what he was doing. But he didn’t think it was going to be an issue either way. Maybe there were things they wouldn’t ever do, things that Isak wouldn’t ever want, but getting off in these simple ways was something Isak had already talked about last night. 

He had also told Even to give it some time though, and Even’s mind was running wild when he exited the bathroom and found Isak making breakfast. Had he pushed him too far? Had Isak realized, the second he had been on his own, that they had just done things he hadn’t been ready for?

To his relief, Isak smiled at him. There were red blotches on his neck that Even couldn’t help but stare at. He knew that if he checked himself in the mirror, he would find himself looking the same. Worse even, since Isak had found out last night just how much he liked biting the sensitive skin on Even’s neck. Even’s hand went up to touch his own throat subconsciously and he could see Isak blush when he followed the movement of his hand with his eyes.

“Turns out breakfast wasn’t such a bad idea last time,” he said, his voice sounding a bit dry, as he handed Even a plate.

They had a quick breakfast before Isak vanished into the bathroom. Neither of them knew what to say, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. They listened to some music while they got ready, focusing on being on time today and not distracting each other too much. But Even’s mind was buzzing. He felt like finally something had fallen right into place. This was how things were supposed to be.

“I’ll walk you to the tram,” Even said. He would be early for Bakka if he left already, but it was worth it. He got to hold Isak’s hand once they were outside, and the winter air felt only half as cold today. 

“I’m gonna have to talk to Jonas.” 

Isak said it so suddenly and so casually that Even didn’t know what to do with this information at first. 

“Okay, about what?” he asked. 

“Us. I want to tell him that it’s real now, I want my best friend to know how you make me feel. But I can’t talk to him about you, ever, if this giant lie is still out there.”

Even got that. He didn’t feel the need to talk to his own friends, it wasn’t any of their business, but he was glad he had been honest with Sonja and Mikael from the start. They were the only ones who really mattered, he realized. And he would do his very best to keep it that way and to be a better friend to both of them. The rest would fall into place.

“Maybe you should talk to Eva first. Tell Jonas the whole thing together,” he suggested. “Or else she’ll hate you.”

“I know,” Isak nodded. “I’ll try. Maybe today. I just want all of this to be over, I want Jonas back.”

Even couldn’t believe that what he had seen of them in the last few weeks had only been a lesser version of their friendship. What would they be like if they were actually doing good? If Isak finally came clean and they could be honest with each other again? But he pushed the thought away. It would be good for Isak to have his best friend back. There was no need to be jealous because Jonas made Isak happy, not horny. 

“Are you gonna tell him about being demi?” 

“Yeah,” Isak immediately nodded. “I wanted to ever since I knew, but no matter how I would have said it, it would have sounded like me confessing my love for him. Obviously, since I confused the two for so long.”

“And now you can confess your love for me to him,” Even teased. He squeezed Isak’s hand in his and was surprised when Isak came to a halt. He looked at him. 

“I’ll do that,” Isak said slowly, like he meant it, and Even felt warm all over. He closed his eyes when Isak leaned up to kiss him, his hand cupping Even’s face.

He kissed him again when they arrived at the tram station to say good bye. Even smiled down at Isak this time, not ready to let go just yet. He was still scared that once Isak stepped onto the tram and Even faced his day at Bakka something would happen. Something that ruined what they had and what would prove to him that it wasn’t real. What if this was just one of his highs and the next low was already waiting for him somewhere, ready to pop his bubble? 

He knew he got a bit whiny when Isak had to go. It made Isak laugh, and they kissed for a while, letting one tram pass them and waiting five more minutes for the next one. But it still wasn’t enough and Even felt anxious when Isak eventually turned around and walked away from him. 

He knew he was being ridiculous. He was going to see Isak again in the evening, most likely, unless he decided to talk to Jonas and their conversation took up more time or he ended up staying with him for the night. But just when he told himself that, he realized that missing Isak wasn’t the problem. He would be just fine spending the day without him. What made his heart race was the thought of Isak not being there tonight. 

What if during the day he realized that he had had it all wrong and being with Even was the last thing he wanted after all? What if he remembered that Even was “easy”, had been with too many people, was too undecided? What if he decided that Even wasn’t worth his time?

Thoughts of Isak changing his mind gnawed on him while he slowly made his way to school. He knew how easy it was for his own feelings to change, for his moods to stumble. Why should it be any different for Isak? He had never felt as sure of anything in his life before he had realized that he wanted to be with Isak. What if this time, he would be the one left behind? What if Isak was the one who was going to back out? 

It was when he entered Bakka that another thought crossed his mind. If Isak made up with Jonas today, he could easily move back in with him. He wouldn’t need to stay at Even’s place anymore, where there was no space and half of the furniture was broken or improvised. He could go back to Frogner and live somewhere better. 

Even tried to be okay with that. He tried to think of Isak’s comfort, of how him moving out again didn’t necessarily have to mean that they were breaking up before they had even really started to date. But it was hard to separate the two in his mind. The more he thought about the possible outcomes of today, the darker his imagination got.

Even was used to this, he knew what was happening, but he still couldn’t stop himself from spiraling down into a dangerous chain of ‘what ifs’. He needed Isak to tell him that everything was going to be alright. He needed to know that this was going to be the one thing that wasn’t going to end. But it was hard to do when he was back at Bakka where things were overwhelming and everything reminded him of how nothing was certain. Where just yesterday he had broken up with Sonja yet again, and where Mikael waved at him from across the courtyard and, despite of how casual he tried to make it look, still reminded Even of the tears on his face and the distance that separated them right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Don't worry, there's no major drama approaching, I could never write something that doesn't have a happy ending. Please don't hate me for leaving you on a sad note again :D )


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This has definitely been a weird ride for me because I started writing this story while I was in a really bad place but ended it at a time where I couldn't be happier. So looking back at it I can see how how important it was for me to write it and especially to finish it all. And knowing it means something to at least some of you as well makes me really really happy. Thanks for all the comments and kudos, I appreciate it all so much and I love every single one of you for sticking with yet another story until the end xxx

Even spent the first half of the day being as restless as ever and he found himself unable to concentrate on a single thing that was being said to him. The fact that he could easily recognize his usual habits making a reappearance only made things worse. He had felt so calm last night and this morning, when Isak had been with him, it was even more frustrating to realize that he was falling back into his usual behavior so damn fast once he was without him. 

Against his will and despite knowing better, he had started to think that maybe he was done feeling this way. That being with Isak could change him so fundamentally that his brain was suddenly wired differently. But it wasn’t the case. All Isak had done was show him just how good it felt to be in control, to feel calm and collected and like everything was going to be alright. The rest of it, Even had to figure out himself. Isak couldn’t be his cure for whatever was going wrong, for whatever it was within him that kept making him feel like he was going to crawl out of his own skin.

But even though Even knew just that, he still grew increasingly agitated throughout the day. Enough so that Mikael ended up skipping film class for him while Even had a free period. They walked around the park right behind Bakka, smoking cigarettes and taking comfort in each other’s company until Even eventually broke. 

“Things happened between me and Isak,” he said. He didn’t dare look at Mikael and so he kept his gaze on the adverts outside of the karaoke bar they passed on their way back to school. 

Mikael wasn’t quiet for too long. “Are you telling me you’re seriously surprised by that? He kept looking at you like you’re the best fucking thing to ever happen to him at New Years, why do you think I freaked out the way I did?” He didn’t sound upset now and Even was glad for it. His words also took a moment to sink in. They made him happy in a way that felt slightly off through his anxiety.

“I don’t know. Maybe not. I’m surprised it’s mutual though, I didn’t expect him to want this too. And now he does and it’s freaking me out. It feels so good to be with him that whenever I’m not, it’s twice as bad.” 

Even hadn’t realized how much he had needed to talk to Mikael about Isak. He needed to tell him to know it was real. Needed to finally share his feelings on it and hear that it wasn’t ridiculous. That he wasn’t too quick to fall for Isak or too hopeless to make him happy. 

And he had needed to know that Mikael would be on his side no matter what. That he wasn’t upset with him anymore or mourning their would-be romance. Talking to Mikael about this meant both that their friendship could come out stronger on the other side of this and that what he had with Isak might just be something real. 

So he told Mikael about last night, about this morning, about the bubble of happiness that Isak had become, and how he didn’t know how to fit his life around it.

“You know,” Mikael eventually said, “you should probably stop making decisions based on how other people see you. You’re not gonna fuck things up with Isak just because I told you that you would.”

“What?” Of course Even remembered what Mikael had said to him at New Years. What everyone else had played at that night. That Isak would be better off without him. 

“I didn’t know it would mess you up like that,” Mikael admitted. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s not that,” Even began, but he immediately wondered about the truth of that easy denial. “Maybe a bit. It’s that and what everyone else keeps saying. What everyone knows. I fuck things up, it’s not like you enlightened me on that or anything, everyone would agree with you.”

Mikael came to a halt on the same bridge Even had ended his relationship with Sonja on. He looked a lot more sad than Even had expected him to be and Even couldn’t help but wonder whether talking about Isak had been such a good idea after all.

“Even, I seriously do not think that. I know I said a lot of messed up things to you, mostly because it’s easier to be mad at you than it is to be mad at myself. But really, why do you give a fuck what other people think you’re like? Prove them wrong, it’s that easy.”

So this wasn’t about Isak. Even couldn’t help but raise his eyebrow at his best friend, though. It was just too hypocritical for him to not point that out. The corner of Mikael’s mouth twitched. 

“I know,” he smirked. “I know. Julian’s in uni, you know? He talks like that all the time, it’s starting to rub off on me. Idiot.” 

“Julian, huh?” Even smiled. 

“Mhmh. Working on it. Don’t tell anyone.” Mikael leaned his upper body over the handrail of the bridge to escape Even’s eyes on him, but Even could see how his hands trembled when he intertwined them with each other. “We’re not dating or whatever. Just hanging out.” 

“I’m glad you like him,” Even finally said. “And you don’t need to be sorry. What we started with each other was messed up, we should have talked about it way earlier, okay?”

“Probably,” Mikael agreed. “I’m sorry we couldn’t.”

“I get it.” 

It was hard to go back to class after their talk, but Even managed. He thought of what Mikael had said while he dozed in the backrow during his Norwegian lecture. Mutta was sat next to him, texting Sonja underneath the table, and it made Even smile. He wasn’t upset about it. There was nostalgia when he thought of her, and he knew it would take time to get used to what they were now and to figure out how they could go on, but it still didn’t feel wrong to have broken up with her. 

He sent Mikael a blue heart which he didn’t get a response to because Mikael had P.E. and wouldn’t be on his phone right now. Then he entered Isak’s chat only to see that he was online. He typed “jonas?” and hit send. 

Isak replied the second the bell rang and Even would be done for the day. 

“he’s upset, but he knows. come pick me up? still at nissen, wanna go for dinner.”

Even took the tram together with Yousef who went into the same direction for a while. He agreed to bring Isak to the house some time soon so they could all hang out and swallowed his anxiety about how he wasn’t sure they were still gonna be dating after today. But he thought of what Mikael had said and of how he was going to prove Yousef wrong, and so he smiled and waved at him with a promise to bring Isak over soon when he got off the tram. 

Isak waited for him on the curb and although he looked exhausted, he smiled at him when Even crossed the street to meet him. 

“Hey boyfriend,” he said as Even leaned in for a kiss. 

“I don’t get to call you that in bed but you have the right to throw it at me in public?” Even teased, remembering Isak’s reaction to his words this morning. He stroked his fingers over Isak’s blushing cheeks and kissed him again. Damn, he had missed him already. Isak brought his fingers together in Even’s neck and looked up at him like he was thinking the same thing. 

“Do you wanna go out for dinner? We gotta start leaving the flat at some point.” 

Even remembered his empty wallet but nodded anyway. “I might have to get a new job soon. I can’t afford you otherwise,” he joked, but his mind was already on Isak’s conversation with Jonas. He could see that Isak was’t as relaxed as he had been this morning either. 

“We don’t have to,” Isak started protesting, but Even took his hand in his and motioned for him to lead the way. 

“I want to. So what about Jonas?” 

Isak sighed. He started walking back towards where Even had just come from and Even followed him easily. 

“He doesn’t hate me. And he said not to worry. But he needs his space right now and he’s definitely hurt. It sucks.” 

“I’m sure he’s glad you told him,” Even tried. He still didn’t know how to comfort Isak about this. 

“Yeah. I am too. But it still sucks that all of it happened to begin with. I should have just told him what was going on.” 

“I’m sure he understands it’s not that easy.”

Isak nodded. “Let’s not talk about it anymore, it makes me feel awful.” He pushed his shoulder against Even’s like he was looking for comfort and Even wrapped his arm around him as they walked instead of holding his hand. “What about you?”

Even was halfway done saying he was fine before he swallowed the words. Instead, he forced himself to ask the question that had been on his mind all day today. 

“Are you gonna move back in with him?”

Isak turned his head to look at his face, but Even kept his arm around him and so he only twisted his neck awkwardly. 

“Do you want me to?” Even couldn’t tell if Isak sounded hopeful or not. What he wanted him to say. So he went for the truth.

“No. Absolutely not.” 

Isak leaned his head against Even’s chest for a second, making it hard for them to even keep walking. Even could hear the smile in his voice when he said: “Okay. I don’t want that either.”

Even didn’t know how to tell him about everything that had been on his mind today. He didn’t even know if he wanted to. So instead he asked about where they would be going for dinner and Isak began talking about some restaurant he had in mind that wasn’t far from Nissen. Even only nodded. He would be fine as long as Isak was there with him. 

“Yousef invited you over. He says hi and wants you to come hang out with us.” 

“Okay, cool,” Isak easily agreed. “I kind of invited Sana over for tomorrow night. If you’re cool with that.”

Even smiled down at him. “Definitely. She’s not useless? Going to Nissen and all?”

“Nah,” Isak sighed. “They don’t all suck I guess.” 

It wasn’t until after dinner that Even found the words to express what was bothering him. And by then, it didn’t feel half as bad as it had this morning. 

It had become freezing cold yet again and they were walking home from the tram quickly when he admitted, speaking to Isak’s backside because it was easier that way: “I hate being without you. So much it scares me sometimes.” 

Isak stopped walking. Of course he did. He turned around to face him and there was wonder on his face. “What do you mean?”

“It’s like you keep me safe from everything and then when you’re gone it all comes back so much stronger. I wish it always felt the way it does when you’re there.”

He could see Isak opening his mouth a few times to speak but closed it again. He was lost for words and Even knew he had done this. He had overwhelmed him with his stupid confessions. But then Isak took his hands in his and jerked his chin up. 

“But I’m not gone?” he said it like he wasn’t sure whether it was the right thing to say at all. “We’re together now, right? No more pretending, no more lying to everyone and holding back on everything? I’m with you. We’re gonna figure it all out.”

It was everything Even wanted, a promise. It was enough. All he had to do was learn how to remember it, how to carry this calming optimism that Isak gave him with him wherever he went. But he could do that. Somehow. He nodded and leaned his forehead against Isak’s. 

“You’re freezing,” he said quietly when he realized Isak was shivering again. 

“Yeah well, it’s snowing.”

Isak was right. When Even pulled back he realized that there was snow in Isak’s hair and he reached out to brush it away. It felt a lot like the first night Isak had come home with him. They were both freezing cold when Even started to look for his keys in his pocket. 

“Dibs on the shower,” he smiled as he unlocked the door.

Isak groaned. “What? Come on, I didn’t have one this morning because you used all the hot water jerking off in there.”

“Too bad,” Even laughed. “Join me then.” He hadn’t really been serious but he heard how Isak tripped on the stairs behind him at his words. 

When he turned around, Isak rolled his eyes at him. “Or we could find a better place. One that has a proper shower and a real kitchen. And more space. I want my own closet.”

Even’s heart jumped in his chest. They had reached the top of the stairs but he didn’t bother reaching for his keys again. 

“Are you serious?” he asked. He almost held his breath as he waited for Isak’s reply.

“Yeah? Unless you want to keep living here, I don’t know, are you emotionally attached to it?” Isak frowned like he couldn’t see how so. 

“I wasn’t, but now I kind of am because this is ours,” Even rambled. All he could think was that Isak was making plans for them. While he had spent the day worrying about the many ways Isak was going to end this, Isak had thought about them moving in together for real. 

“It’s yours, I don’t even pay rent,” Isak laughed. “We can find something better that is truly ours.”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Even nodded. He was out of words. He watched as Isak took out his own keys to open the door for them and then dropped his bag and jacket on the floor with a sigh. Nothing about him reminded Even of the first time he had been here, all nervous and scared. He trusted Even. 

Enough so that he joined Even in the shower once he was almost done. He whined about being cold in the living room for a few minutes before Even could hear him entering the bathroom and taking off his clothes more slowly than Even would have. When he pulled back the curtain and stepped into the shower with him, his cheeks were rosy again and his chin was up high. Even smiled at him and pulled him underneath the warm water, but refrained from kissing him until Isak made the first move. 

And Isak did. Even knew he would love him even if he hadn’t, but he still kissed him back, tasting all that trust Isak gave him, and he stored it somewhere where he knew he could remember it when he needed to.


	26. Isak POV Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again:)   
> I have written three extra scenes for this and there might be one more, but I am not sure yet. It depends on whether I can and want to get back into this headspace because it feels like everything I wanted to say has been said. But I know there have been some requests and I would like to take them, I'm leaving it all open for now.   
> But so far, this is Isak's POV of when they were at the cabin. It's the evening of the day he first kissed Even on the couch and they went into the whirlpool after. It's kind of just a look into his head and not a real chapter, but I hope you enjoy it xxx

When Isak pulled the bathroom door shut behind himself, he let out a sigh. Last year, coming to the cabin between Christmas and New Years Eve had been the most amazing thing, the thing he had looked forward to basically all year. This year, he couldn’t wait to get away. He didn’t know how things had become this messy, but they were spiraling out of his control faster than he could understand.

This whole year had been crappy. Fucking Nissen. He hated it. Ever since they had started their first year there, things had begun to fall apart. Isak knew that logically, he couldn’t blame it on a school, but he kind of did.

He had been doing just fine before. He had always kept to himself, but he had had friends, people he went places with and who weren’t all assholes. Now, Jonas was pretty much the only person keeping him sane. The only one who didn’t spend all week looking forward to that party on Friday and then spent the next one talking about what a mess it had been while already planning the next one. The only one who hadn’t become a complete waste of time when he had started dating.

It felt like the minute they had all started Nissen, everyone around him had somehow started living a new life, one Isak wanted no part of. He wasn’t interested in hooking up with anyone, he didn’t care about what everyone else did, and he couldn’t even get drunk or high around Jonas anymore for obvious reasons. Everyone else was starting to live this life that Isak somehow didn’t have an invitation for and he felt left behind. Like he was stuck in elementary school and was treated like a toddler just because he didn’t brag about who had sucked his dick last week or how fucking smashed he had been. 

He couldn’t connect with any of his old friends anymore, couldn’t connect with their girlfriends, and their stories exhausted him. So maybe it wasn’t Nissen’s fault, but it was the environment, the fact that they now went to high school and suddenly it was expected of everyone to discover this whole new life. 

Only Isak had always been content with what he had. Now he could only try and keep up and attempt to hold on to what little was left of his old life. Jonas. At this point, he really was all Isak had left. 

He didn’t really care about anyone else anymore, he had lost them somewhere between one crazy Friday and the next. And he didn’t care about his family anymore, either. That one didn’t have anything to do with Nissen, he had to admit. But it only added to that feeling of how his old life was falling apart and there was no next stage he could look forward to the way everyone else did.

He had never thought that he would have to live his life without his parents. Technically, they were still there, both alive and physically well, but neither of them were what he knew them to be. It was all gone, along with everything else Isak knew, and he had never felt more terrified. 

Him and Jonas falling apart felt like the last nail in the coffin. Isak was scared of it like nothing else, but he also couldn’t seem to find a way to fix it. Not when Eva had become a cheating bitch who had stabbed him in the back and now blackmailed him with his most vulnerable secrets. 

It was too much, so Isak tried not to think about it. The only problem was that there was nothing else he’d rather focus his attention on these days either. Except maybe Even. 

Even, who didn’t necessarily make him feel any better, but at least he didn’t make him feel like he was constantly losing something, like everything was slipping away. Even, he had gained. And somehow that difference felt good enough for Isak to hold on to it. 

He stepped in front of the mirror and looked at himself for a long moment. Then he turned around to face the wall instead and leaned his backside against the counter. He was glad to finally be alone, but it also meant that thoughts of the day were crashing down on him and he didn’t know how to feel about any of them. 

It had only been a kiss. Nothing that had ever made his head spin, nothing he had ever wanted with anyone before, so he should feel indifferent about it. But it was exactly this mindset that also made him think that if he didn’t want to kiss anyone, he probably shouldn’t have done it. Still, he had let Even kiss him, had let him touch him all over, and he didn’t know how to feel about it. 

It hadn’t been bad. It felt more like he should be repulsed by what he had done, making out with a stranger, than like he actually was. But he still felt like maybe he had given away too much of himself today. He lifted his fingers to his lips where Even’s had been only hours ago. Then he ran them down his chest, thoughtfully. Even had been all over him today and he hadn’t felt like pushing him off. 

It hadn’t been what he knew other people felt when they were sat on someone’s lap or when they were low key grinding against each other in a hot tub. He had heard all the stories, had listened in on them more curiously than he would like to admit. He hadn’t felt any desire. But he also hadn’t felt violated or repulsed, the way he sometimes did when people were all up in his personal space for no reason at all. He had been fine. 

Somehow, he was getting used to Even’s presence around him, and he felt safe with him against his better judgement. And he didn’t know what to do with that thought. 

Even resembled everything he couldn’t connect with, every bit of that life he felt so excluded from. But he was starting to think that maybe Even felt that way too. He didn’t seem to feel comfortable with where he was, no matter how much he claimed he did. It made Isak feel like they were somehow on the same side, that Even felt just as misplaced in his own life as Isak felt looking at it from the outside. 

Somehow, Even had managed to blur the lines Isak had so carefully drawn between him and everyone else. The good and the bad. Even was somewhere in between and it was confusing as much as it was infatuating. 

Right now, it was definitely more confusing than anything else though. Isak didn’t know what Even wanted, what he expected from all of this, and it was a scary thought to open himself up to that, to let Even in without knowing what his intentions were. 

He knew that what was developing so quickly between them was more than a normal friendship. It felt charged, and it already pulled Isak out of his comfort zone. He was overly aware of Even’s eyes on him when he thought he didn’t see him, of how their kiss earlier had definitely done things to him, had made his body react. 

He knew that Even was attracted to him. But he didn’t know if it was him personally or if he would’ve felt that way with anyone sitting in his lap like that. He didn’t know what to think about it because he didn’t know what was normal. He didn’t know what to judge him on and so he didn’t. But that also meant that he didn’t know where Even wanted this to go and all he could do was trust him. Which wasn’t something Isak had been very good at lately. 

His head was a mess and Isak let out a quiet groan. What the hell was he getting into? With Even, he couldn’t tell at all. He only knew that it felt too good to finally focus on something new rather than to whine about all the things he had lost. Even was good for him, he pulled him out of that hole of loss and pain he was currently in, and Isak didn’t have it in him to stop it just yet. 

But what he definitely should stop was lying to Jonas about the whole thing. Not only about Even being his boyfriend, but also about everything else. About how he felt and about Eva and about all those things he just couldn’t say out loud. He wanted to tell Jonas so damn badly, but he just didn’t know how to do that without risking that he would lose him too.

A knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts and he startled before he moved to open it. It was Jonas, looking tired and a bit on edge. 

“Do you have bandaids in there?” he asked. He held up his index finger that was bleeding slightly. “Cut myself instead of the avocado. Do you like blood in your guacamole?” 

Isak stepped aside to let him in but closed the door on the sound of the TV coming from the living room. He wanted it to be quiet right now. 

“Are you back on earth?” he joked. Jonas had definitely been more out of it after he had smoked today than what was normal for him. 

“Yeah,” Jonas said. “Guess it was a bit much. This whole damn trip is a disaster, it’s too tempting to just log off.”

Isak could only agree with that. It was definitely tempting to take the edge off, to make all of this just a little bit more bearable. But he couldn’t, not around Jonas, not while he had this many secrets to keep, and he was getting so damn tired of it. It was yet another thing he was hiding from Jonas and it only made him feel worse to think about it every time Jonas got high on his own. 

“Don’t worry about it,” he offered and stepped aside so that Jonas could look for the first aid kit underneath the sink. “Just take care.”

For a second, Jonas looked up at him with an eye roll and a smile. 

“I will, thanks. What about you, are you happy?”

The question came out of nowhere and Isak was taken aback. 

“Why?” he asked, too fast to not give away that he was hiding something, and he bit his lip immediately. 

“Even?” Jonas asked without looking at him as he now rummaged around in the cupboard. “We haven’t talked about him at all. I kind of thought you’d bring it up at some point but we’ve been here for two days and you still haven’t said anything, so...” 

Isak hated how disappointed he sounded and it only added to the massive pile of guilt he already had to sort through. 

“I’m sorry,” he immediately said. “I...” 

He struggled to find words that weren’t more lies but that also didn’t give the ones that were already out there away. 

“I don’t know, it all happened really fast with him. I haven’t thought much about it either, haven’t really wrapped my head around it yet.” 

Jonas got back up and kicked the door of the cupboard shut with his foot. 

“It’s all cool, I don’t mean to say you need to have any insight on it. Just saying you could’ve told me. Like, before you brought him here as well. You didn’t have to turn him into a girlfriend, you know?”

“I know,” Isak said, and he did. There was no doubt in his mind that Jonas didn’t mind the fact that Even was a guy, and he hated that he had made it seem like he wasn’t sure of that. 

“It just made it easier,” he mumbled. “I don’t know, I panicked.” 

Jonas nodded in understanding and turned on the tap to hold his finger under the water. It was hardly bleeding, but Isak still watched him do it attentively. He couldn’t help but wonder what was on Jonas’ mind. Whether he thought back to that time Isak had kissed him and told him he loved him. The night he had either forgotten or refused to bring up. Not that Isak wasn’t glad for it, but he could never be entirely sure. Or maybe it just hadn’t been that big of a deal for Jonas, he told himself. In the end, what had been his first kiss and a confession that had been on his mind for months could have only been an intoxicated peck on the lips paired with slurred late night affection for Jonas. 

After all, Jonas didn’t know about what any of that meant to Isak. And right now he hated it more than anything. He wanted to talk to Jonas about Even, wanted to talk to him about what it had felt like to kiss him earlier, to not shy away from his touch, to kind of enjoy how tall he was, how warm and soft and so affectionate. So easy to let his guard down, so much like what Isak had forgotten how to be. He definitely hadn’t hated kissing him.

But he couldn’t say any of that because he had never had the guts to tell his best friend about how he didn’t feel the way everyone around him seemed to do. He had kind of missed the right moment back when he had started to realize that he wasn’t as eager to lose his v card as Jonas had been when he had started seeing Eva. When he had started to realize that he couldn’t relate to him, that things were different for him. He had spent all his time being afraid and feeling ashamed rather than talking about it. And when he had finally started to find answers, he had been overwhelmed with the reoccurring thought that maybe he wasn’t interested in anyone else, because he wanted Jonas. Which had closed the lid on the idea of talking to him about it completely, even before he had ruined everything and kissed him that night. 

So here he was, not sure what he felt for Jonas but needing to talk to him about it to figure it out. Which was impossible. He couldn’t ask Jonas for advice on this one.

He watched him put the bandaid on his finger in slow motion, like his mind was still not really back to normal. Usually it didn’t take Jonas long to sober up, but he would probably have to sleep this one off. 

“But are you happy?” Jonas asked again as he turned around, and Isak considered it for a moment. 

“With Even? Yes.”

He would have said that anyway, given that the whole point of Even being here was to convince Jonas that they were madly in love. But it didn’t feel like a lie. Yes, he was happy about having met Even. He was confusing and a lot to handle, a lot to consider and to sort through, but he was also the first thing that made Isak feel like he was moving on in a long time. Like while he was losing so much, there was also something new, something exciting, no matter how unsure he still was of it all.

He didn’t know what to do about Even or how he felt about him. But at least he didn’t feel like everything else did these days. There was definitely something Isak could connect to, something that had caught his interest, and he was going to hold on to it. He wasn’t going to push him away. It was a conscious decision he had to make, but at the same time it was so much easier than Isak had expected it to be. 

He knew he could trust Even to not go too far. That he could sleep next to him or sit in his lap or share the hot tub with him without having to think about what Even might want to do to him. Because it didn’t matter. He knew that if he put an end to this, Even would let him. He knew he was safe with him, and he hadn’t known how much he needed this feeling right now until he had first felt it with him.


	27. Isak POV Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is super short, but it's Isak's POV of the night where Even told him he's back together with Sonja and then went out to get smashed (which Isak doesn't know). Again, it's more an internal monologue.

It was the first time that Isak was alone in the flat. He had felt so comfortable there for the last few days that he had really started to think of it as home. But the second Even was gone, it lost that meaning to him. Now, he felt colder even than he had at the cabin when the heat had broken down. He felt Even’s absence in a weirdly intense way that he hadn’t anticipated even though he had watched it develop every step of the way. 

He had acknowledged how he felt around Even, and how much he wanted to keep feeling that way. Every time that realization had made it through to him, he had nodded and simply stored it away somewhere, had made himself have it without analyzing it because he was no good at that anyway. Now that he was laying on Even’s bed without him being there to share his body heat, it hit him all at once and he felt stupid for not noticing it sooner. 

But Even was back with Sonja now. It didn’t matter what Isak had thought was happening between them. What he had thought about constantly during the last few days. 

He didn’t think that he had read it all wrong. Even was probably interested, had probably thought about them too. But he should have known that he wasn’t something Even couldn’t come back from. Even needed his options. Or so he seemed to tell himself. Isak could tell how overwhelmed he got when he had them, how much he hated making decisions, and how he struggled to balance his life. But still he couldn’t seem to stand still. He kept creating all these alternative plans for himself just in case he wouldn’t be happy with plan A. In case it wouldn’t be enough. And right now, Isak was one of these plans. Just one amongst many. 

He had probably missed the right moment again, like he had with Jonas. But it wasn’t like he had known this any sooner. It wasn’t like all this time, he had kept it from Even that he wanted to be close to him, that he wanted to hold his hand and kiss him and try things with him that he hadn’t really thought about before. He would’ve told him, had he known. And now that he did, it was too late again. 

Isak hated the way it was. Maybe, had he not made Even wait forever, he wouldn’t be off dating Sonja now. He should have taken his chance when he had had it. But instead, he hadn’t recognized this feeling for what it was and ruined it with how long it had taken him to figure it out. Or rather, how long it had taken him to feel this way in the first place. He was fairly sure that it wasn’t like his feelings for Even had been there all along and he had just been too stupid to realize that. They simply hadn’t been there at all until they had. 

Until he had woken up in Even’s arms the other night and had known that everything was going to be alright. When his face had felt dry and tender from his tears and his back had hurt with how closely he was clinging to Even on the couch. He still hadn’t let go of him. He had stayed awake for the longest time, silently listening to his own thoughts of comprehension and realization.

He had fallen for Even. And it hadn’t felt anything like what he had expected it to feel from what he had heard other people talk about. No fireworks and desperate hard ons and obsessive texting and sneaking away to make out every chance he got. He wasn’t desperate to swallow Even’s dick. Even didn’t make his heart race in excitement when he thought of him. All he wanted was to be close to him, and it didn’t matter how. He wanted to tell him his secrets and know his, he wanted to keep living with him so they could share their lives, he wanted to be with Even, it was as simple as that. 

And he was done telling himself that it wasn’t real if he didn’t get all crazy about him. He was done waiting for that and feeling like he somehow wasn’t complete without it. He wanted Even, he loved him in a way he had never recognized as love before. But he did now, and somehow it felt like all this time he had been looking for something that had been there all along. He wasn’t incapable of anything. He wasn’t unable to fall in love or to want someone. He wanted Even, all of him, and he wanted it now that it was too fucking late. 

Isak groaned and turned around to lay on his back and stare at the ceiling. He had felt so scared when Even had told him about Mikael after New Years, scared that he was going to start dating him for real, that he had forgotten about Sonja entirely. Fuck Even and his fear of commitment. Why couldn’t Isak be enough? Why did he have to string along all of these extra aversions and distractions he wasn’t even happy with? 

Isak thought he understood him. How his mind worked, how his loneliness and his self consciousness showed itself in different ways than his own did. Even reacted to it loudly with a lot of collateral damage and false impressions. Isak’s own issues made him close down, made him despise everyone around him and become this awfully cynical person he hated being. But in the end, they were quite alike. Which was why Isak couldn’t really hold it against Even. He just hated it. 

He reached for his phone. Maybe he should just text him, tell him to come back. But then what? He would still be dating Sonja, even if Isak got all whiny and told him he needed them to be okay. Needed to know if Even had simply walked out on him because he needed some space tonight or if he had walked out on him because he had done something. Maybe he should have been more supportive of him when he had told him he was back with Sonja. They were only friends in the end. 

Isak didn’t understand it. How Even could have this with him, could be this close to him, and consider it merely a friendship just because they hadn’t gone any further just yet. How he could be with Sonja, whom he was clearly not in love with, but consider it a relationship for the simply fact that she was sleeping with him. 

Maybe he was being unfair right now, maybe Even didn’t actually think that. They hadn’t talked about this after all. He didn’t know. But it sure felt like it. Like they wanted the same thing, but in a different way. There was no denying how they felt about each other, how they had fallen into each other in a way that had been so incredibly easy that it almost scared Isak. How was this not enough for Even? Isak could give him exactly what he wanted, could love him and hold him and be everything he needed, and it still wasn’t enough.

And it wasn’t even all Isak wanted at this point. Maybe he didn’t want to tear off Even’s clothes, get him naked, and fuck him senseless. But he could see himself undressing him, he could see himself touching him and kissing his skin and making him moan and love him in that way, too. He just needed Even to feel the same way about it, he needed them to be okay. For Even to stop running from this because it wasn’t what he was used to and what was expected of him. 

It felt unreal to think that he had really made up with Sonja when Isak knew that they were both aware of what was going on between them. Almost like he was being stupid on purpose. Then again, he had been just as stupid for the longest time. It wasn’t like his acceptance of his feelings had come overnight. 

What it came down to was that Isak missed him. He wanted him to come home and to finally talk to Isak about this, to tell him that he was going to be alright with taking things slow and with figuring it out step by step. That he felt this too, and that he didn’t want to be with anyone else as long as they could have this. 

But it wasn’t going to happen like that.


	28. Isak POV Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally, this is the smutty one shot I've been asked to write. I really really hope that I managed not to offend anyone with this and to keep it true to their characters and sexualities. I dedicate this to PicadoraDK who has done an amazing job betaing this story, thank you so much!!! <3

Isak let his boxers fall to the floor but he still remained in front of the shower curtain for another hesitant moment. He knew that he was taking an awfully long time to undress and that Even was probably done taking an actual shower by now. He could see his silhouette through the thin plastic material. No details, but he had a pretty good idea of how he was facing the wall with the tap on it, waiting, his back to where Isak would join him in a second.

He wanted to. He wasn’t doing this for Even or because he was freezing cold. He wanted to be close to him right now, wanted to touch him and kiss him and run his hands through his wet hair. But he couldn’t deny that he was nervous. Not because he didn’t trust what Even had said, that he would be fine with however little they did, but because he knew what he himself wanted.

Well, maybe not in detail, but he knew that it involved Even’s body pressed against his, naked or not. He just wanted to hold him, wanted to be in his space. But right now, they would be naked for that, and it would be yet another first. Not in a scary or uncertain way, but only in the overwhelming realization that it was happening. That he wanted it to happen.

For a moment, he closed his eyes and only listened to the sound of the water dropping onto the floor to Even’s feet. Then he pulled the shower curtain to the side and climbed into the tub behind Even.  
He knew that he wanted it, but he didn’t know what it was or how to achieve it. So he simply stood there and waited for Even to turn his head over his shoulder and give him his most charming smile. His eyes stayed up at his face and Isak was glad for it. Not because he was embarrassed or because he didn’t want Even to look. But because it enabled him to lock eyes with him and smile back, reassuring himself that this was alright.

He took a step closer and Even moved the shower head to one side while stepping to the other. He was halfway turned now and the spray invited Isak to step underneath it. So he did. The water was steaming hot and felt like relief on his skin. But it felt even better to be in Even’s personal space like this. With no more layers between them, no more things they didn’t talk about. They were on the same page now and Isak had never thought they would end up there.

He lifted his right hand and placed it on Even’s upper arm in a simple act to hold on to him while he closed his eyes as he let the water run over his face and his hair, soaking up the almost painful heat that went through him.

When he opened his eyes again, Even was staring. Isak could tell that he was trying hard not to do the wrong thing, could see how tense he was and how he had his eyes fixed on Isak’s face way too hard. It made Isak smile.

“It’s okay,” he mumbled.

He moved his hand down Even’s arm to reach for his hand and placed their intertwined fingers on his own chest. It made Even look, just like he had anticipated. Slowly, his eyes dropped down to where their hands were and Isak began moving them downwards, over his own ribs, his stomach, and lower. He followed the movement with his eyes and he could tell that Even did the same by the way he took a sharp breath when Isak finally let their hands fall to the their sides again, leaving nothing between them but the view of where their hips where almost close enough to touch. Where Even was filling up quickly, already half hard against his thigh.

Holy fuck he was beautiful. Pale and coming alive under Isak’s curious eyes. Isak could see how he was trembling by the way he sucked in his stomach a bit, and Isak wanted to touch him there, wanted to pull him in closer.

“Will you let me wash your hair?” Even asked.

He looked at him with an intense look that gave away just how unsure he was, and Isak felt oddly fond of him while at the same time he wanted to roll his eyes at him. He was demisexual, not a delicate virgin flower Even had to walk on eggshells with. He wasn’t scared of this, he was just new to it, hadn’t really wanted it before.

“Yeah,” Isak nodded. “You don’t have to be that careful with me, I won’t break or anything. I’ll tell you no.”

“Please do,” Even said. “I don’t wanna fuck this up.” His voice was weak and barely audible over the sound of the water raining down on them.

“You won’t.”

Isak watched as Even nodded to himself, as if to tell himself that too, and then reached for the bottle of shampoo. He used too much of it but Isak didn’t care. He closed his eyes when Even reached his hands out to him in slow motion, still being so damn careful with him, and he sighed at the feeling of his fingers massaging his scalp.

He had never really been close to anyone like this. Sure, he had received the occasional cuddle, but none of his friends were the type to crawl up in bed with him and pet his hair. Except for Even of course. He took his time with him, rubbing the shampoo into his hair and rinsing it out thoroughly, his fingertips scratching his skin in a way that made Isak smile and shudder.

He didn’t realize how he was leaning into Even and into his touch until he could feel Even’s dick brush his thigh. He opened his eyes only to see that he was looking down again, his teeth worrying his lower lip. His skin was a bit red from the hot water, his darkened hair fell into his face. Isak reached out a hand to push it out of his forehead and it made Even look up at him.

“Sorry,” he mumbled but Isak shook his head.

Then he leaned in and kissed him. Even sighed against his lips and kissed him back eagerly, but he still didn’t touch him. Isak didn’t know whether he wanted him to or not. For now he was okay though, and he ran his hands through Even’s wet hair and crossed them behind his neck. He could feel the goosebumps raised on his skin there and dropped one hand to his hip to pull him back into the spray of water to stay warm.

Even moaned when their hips touched again and his hard dick settled at the juncture of Isak’s hip and his thigh. A shot of desire went through Isak at the sound of it, at the realization of how good he was making Even feel, how he enjoyed himself, and his own mouth fell open to let Even’s tongue touch his.

He could feel himself hardening against Even’s thigh and the sensuality of it almost made him dizzy. What was even better though was the way Even moaned again and how he bit Isak’s lip, his kiss turning desperate, his hips making an aborted forwards movement. To make up for the lack of touching his whole body seemed to be wired, arching towards Isak’s, unable to remain still.

Isak liked the idea of Even needing to touch him as badly as Isak needed to be close to him. He shifted a bit and the tip of his hardening dick brushed against Even’s skin as it filled up, catching his thigh just right. It made him gasp into Even’s mouth, but he didn’t move his hips just yet. What he was more interested in was the way Even was growing desperate against him, the way Isak couldn’t keep up with his deep kisses anymore but could only smile against his lips in defeat.

He moved to press their chests together until they were stood front to front, their bodies flushed close together in all the right places.

“You can touch me,” he said, knowing that for whatever reason Even was waiting for permission, and Even’s hands were at his hips in a heartbeat, holding on to him tightly.

“You’re so fucking hot, Isak,” he breathed, his voice sounding wrecked. “I could do this forever. Just be with you like this.”

Isak knew that he would try his very best to do that. That if it were up to him and he denied Even to come, he would do just that until he couldn’t take it anymore. But Isak was into this just as much as he was, and he needed to get off just as badly. They had taken different routes to get here, but they were both hard, both holding back on how badly they wanted to just rub their hips together, and Isak wasn’t about to say no. He was sure of this. He wasn’t talking himself into wanting Even, wasn’t desperately holding on to feelings that weren’t there any longer. He trusted Even, and he wanted this. He hadn’t thought any further than this, but his balls were aching from everything that had happened in the last few hours and there was no way that he could continue having Even close like this without getting some release.

He just hadn’t decided on the how yet. Tentatively, he ground his hips into Even’s when he thought he could feel him pull him in closer by his hips. 

Oh fuck. He hadn’t expected it to feel this good, hadn’t expected it to be so hard to stop once his dick was trapped between their bodies in the best possible way. So he did it again, a tiny movement that had Even fall into motion and grind back against him, mostly for Isak’s pleasure, a movement of his thigh rather than his own erection that felt hot against Isak’s skin.

Then he pushed him away, and for a second Isak was startled. But Even followed him, he merely moved them around so Isak’s back hit the cold tiles and he hissed at the touch. Even adjusted the shower head above them so that the water ran down his back for a second and then stayed directed at both of their chests, and this was better. He looked at him then before he slowly moved in again until their hips met, only now Isak was trapped between him and the wall.

Isak nodded in reassurance and reconnected their lips. He placed his hands on Even’s upper arms while Even leaned one against the wall behind him and used the other to touch his face and run his fingers down to his neck. Isak shivered when he sent ghost touches over his skin, down his collarbone, and his hips moved forward on their own accord.

Apparently Even had waited for him to give his okay, since he met his grinding movement like had anticipated it. Their dicks were touching now, lining up just right, and Isak’s breath hitched at the feeling of being trapped like that, being all Even and Even being all him. He could feel every movement of his, every short thrust against him, and their lips grew sloppy with how occupied they were.

Isak knew that he was getting close. He could feel the water turning colder above him and somehow he was glad for it, for the little bit of reality crashing down on them. It also helped him feel less dizzy, but didn’t make him want to chase the feeling that was growing deep within him any less.

He could get off like this, no problem there, and Even seemed to be holding back on him already, biting his own lip now and slowing down the movement of his hips against Isak’s. But there was something Isak wanted, something that almost made his legs give in with how badly he needed to see it happen.

So he let his hands run down Even’s arm again and found his wandering hand that was now caressing Isak’s hardening nipple in a way that didn’t help to make him last any longer. He took it in his and pressed their joined hands against Even’s chest this time.

“Touch yourself,” he half asked, half demanded, and he could hear Even groan against his mouth. He reacted immediately and dropped his hand down to where he was pressed up against Isak, throbbing hotly and desperate for attention.

“What about you?” he asked before he had even wrapped his hand around himself.

“I wanna see,” Isak repeated, and he was glad to see and feel Even twitch against him at his words in confirmation that he didn’t mind this, that having Isak watch him turned him on just as much.

Isak’s hips shot forward into nothing at the sight of Even’s hand circling around himself, at the way he immediately pushed his hips upwards and into it, the way his head fell forward for a second and onto Isak’s shoulder. But this way Isak couldn’t see, and so he moved his index finger underneath Even’s chin and lifted his head up until their foreheads were pressed together and they were both looking down at where Even was stroking himself slowly.

Isak could tell by looking at his contracting stomach that he was growing close, that he was going slow not because he liked it better that way but because he wanted to last just a little bit longer and another wave of desire shot through him at the thought. He watched the tip of Even’s dick disappearing and resurfacing from his fist, watched the way his foreskin caught on his fingers every now and then how Even pulled it down to get to the head, loved the way he moaned when he moved his thumb over it.

It was too much. Isak moved his hand down between them without even thinking about it, and as he wrapped it around himself, he could see Even fill up just a bit more and squeeze his hand tightly at his base to keep himself from coming.

They both took a moment, but when Isak started to rub his hand over himself, Even followed his rhythm. They weren’t going slow anymore, each watching the other, bucking their hips up into their own hands.

“Are you close?” Even whispered, as if he couldn’t tell by the way Isak was rock hard and leaking and how his rhythm was faltering.

Isak could only nod. He wasn’t close anymore, he was coming. He could feel Even’s knuckles against his and somewhere his mind registered how Even pressed the head of his own dick against Isak’s, how they were touching and it was all hot and sticky between them for a moment. But he kept his eyes closed and focused on Even’s gasps and moans, on the way he was so damn close and it felt more right than anything ever had.

When he opened his eyes again he only just caught the second where Even’s dick swelled up and he stilled the frantic movement of his hand as he came on Isak’s dick, over both their hands, a low moan leaving his lips.

The water was cold now but it didn’t matter. Isak felt hot and lightheaded and he was glad for the cool sensation on his sensitive skin.

“We’re always doing this now,” Even panted, their foreheads still pressed together through all of this so that it was easy for Isak to kiss him in reply.

“Showering together? Or this?” he made a pointed gesture down to where the water washed their mess off their hands and they were softening against one another.

“Both,” Even replied. “No need to move after all.”

Isak smiled against his lips as he kissed him again. He knew they were still moving. Somewhere better and somewhere they could both call their home. But that didn’t mean they weren’t going to do repeat this as often as they could. Fuck, Isak couldn’t wait to see what else they could do. He had no idea where this was going, but he knew that he wanted it, and he still couldn’t quite believe how perfect it was that Even wanted the same.


End file.
